My Blog.

HippoBlogging My mother and my hubby hate my blog. They hate it that I blog; they think that I post too much “personal” stuff and that I make them “look bad” but in actual fact I’m just saying what goes on in my life, seeing things from my perspective, letting off steam, updating family members who don’t live near us to see what we’re all up to, and as a sort of “therapy”, to “vent”, and as sort of as a “progress” report so I can look back and see how “far” I’ve come and as memories of the kids and the funny things that they say and do as well. There are many reasons that I blog.

It all started off one day several YRS ago( I believe 5 or 6 YRS ago) when it was storming and I was bored and had nothing to do one summer day so I started up a blog and then it became this online diary/ journal thing where I could write down my thoughts, fears, experiences, life, and bare my soul, where I could share the mundane and the bizarre. It became my own forum where I could say what I wanted without being censored( although my mother and hubby still try) and something that was just mine, and soon I got into it, posting pretty much daily, thoughtfully planning out topics of posts  and photos and it became a sense of “pride” that I put alot of time, thought, effort,and work into.

I also have always enjoyed writing and have always done it as far back as I can remember and this is a way I can continue doing it as well, and my own creative outlet, expression, etc. and I have learned alot of technical stuff along the way and continue to do so and I really enjoy blogging and have been surprised the number of people that have read it esp. considering I stared off only telling 7 people about it, although I don’t do it to “collect” readers or to reach a certain number; I do it because I enjoy it and people can read it if they want. Now and then I get comments,too, some encouraging and some not so nice, but I just try and consider where it comes from and ignore the haters and blogging for me has become a pleasant experience and I will continue to do so regardless what my family thinks, and if they don’t like it, they don’t have to read it, and if they don’t like what I write about them then maybe they should treat me nicer and then I wouldn’t HAVE anything “bad” to SAY, would I?

Tiny Nuggets.

GoldNuggets I don’t have much for you today( sorry) just a few little “nuggets”, so here goes:

– On a blog I read she’s 47 ( like me) and just found out she’s expecting baby # 14. I think I’d die if I had another baby, esp. if it turned out like the 6 YR old. He put me off even considering having any more kids.

– Whenever the kids are sick I have this obsessive fear that when I wake up in the morning I’ll find them dead like I always did with my gerbils when I was a kid. It’s just this irrational worry and fear I have that I can just never shake. It started when they were babies and I was terrified of SIDS( “Crib Death”) and I never got past it.

– I removed the photo the 14 YR old’s friend had put up on the mantel with our kids’ photos(inserting herself into our family) and the next time she comes over if she notices it’s missing and asks why I’ll simply tell her, ” Because you stole from us and in OUR family we don’t steal.” and that’s all I’m going to say about it. My mother doesn’t think I should remove her picture but we all deal with her stealing in our own way and that’s how *I’ve* decided to handle it. She also tries to excuse her stealing as “she’s NOT ‘perfect’ like YOU!” (what she always says whenever I don’t agree with something or am critical) and “EVERYONE makes mistakes!” except I’m NOT perfect and I never said I WAS and this is a BIG mistake; it’s not like it was just some little thing; stealing is breaking one of the Ten Commandments, and 2 things I absolutely WON’T tolerate are lying and stealing(those are deal breakers),and I’m sick of her and my hubby always condoning and  justifying sin and trying to excuse when people do bad things.

– The LDS( “Mormon”) missionaries came by and left a little card in our mailbox which said “I’m a Mormon” on it and the 10 YR old thought it said “I’m a moron!”

– My mother taunts me because I’m the only one in the house that closes the door when I’m in the bathroom so I guess I’m the only one with any decorum, and besides, a little privacy would be nice,but I’m tired of always being picked on all the time for every little thing , for everything I do and say , for every single personality trait I have, and for  good manners and culture I have that the rest of my loser family lacks, as if I’M the one in the wrong.

– My gastroscopy is later today and I’ll write a post on it(and any results I get) tomorrow!

This And That.

ThisAndThat– I heard on the American radio ads that they ARE allowed to actually SAY “Merry Christmas” and “Christmas” and aren’t censored by the Politically Correct police like we are here; here they’re not allowed to say it for fear it might “offend” people; we can only say “Happy Holidays” or “Seasons Greetings.” Big Brother is watching you!

– The 10 YR old rushed to my bedroom door early in the morning worrying something was wrong hearing me yell “What?” (my radio went off channel) and I heard her calling outside my door and I rushed over as well, worrying that SHE was sick! We BOTH love and care about eachother! She’s my only ally in this family.

– My mother’s been extra lazy since she got back from her trip(it’s like she still thinks she’s on vacation) and doesn’t do her share of the work anymore and I’m picking up the slack and all she does is lay in bed all day and nap and she claims she’s “sick” and says she’s “declining” and, like me, she’s “ready to die.”

– My hubby snaps at me every time I ask him something,”Why do you always question me all the time?”…hmmm, how about because he betrayed me and lies all the time and I don’t trust him or believe him anymore?

-I heard on the news former PM Mulroney(who I met once) was one of few that wanted to place sanctions on South Africa in the 80’s to end the oppressive Apartheid regime and to free Nelson Mandela from prison, and even went against his own allies, incl. British PM Thatcher( who I dubbed “The Iron Maiden” and “The Dragon Lady”) so I guess he isn’t as bad as I thought; I have to give him credit and even he did something good!

– The cheap necklace my mother brought back for me from the Caribbean broke already( I only got to wear it once!) as I was doing up the clasp it just broke ; it snapped and all the beads “exploded” and scattered everywhere.Doesn’t it figure?

– I saw a former classmate of mine from my grade 10 math class on the news! They were interviewing him and I know it was him because he has both a very unusual first and last name! He’s now a psychologist with a PhD! It’s always very interesting to see how my old classmates and friends turned out  and what they’re up to now,and it’s good to see the nice ones succeed(even if I didn’t), esp. when  it seems that it’s so many of the mean, bitchy ones are the ones that succeed; the ones that don’t deserve it.

– We can’t find any of the foil-wrapped chocolates that hang on the Christmas tree this YR! Before they only ever sold them at Walmart but now even they don’t have them anymore! My friend in the UK says they sell them *everywhere* there( more of us not having things here that people can find easily elsewhere) and she’d gladly send me some but it’s too late now; they wouldn’t arrive in time as when we send cards to Europe you have to mail them in November to get them there on time as the postal service here is so bad; it sucks just like everything else in this country! Canada sucks!

-I got a wedgie in church yesterday!

– I wonder if I might even have a tumour or something in my abdomen as it always feels “full” like when you’re constipated( except I’m not) or like when you’re prego and you can feel the baby pushing up on your stomach and it’s feet are stuck under your ribs, and when I was poking around I DID feel something hard in there just above my bellybutton; it felt hard like a tennis ball or  like the top of prego uterus rising up above the bellybutton about 5-6 months along. I felt faint in church again yesterday during the kneeling part of Mass and I wonder if it’s a tumour pushing up and on my vagus nerve when I kneel or sit, dropping my BP and heart rate, making me feel faint? I’m so fat anyway though you can’t tell just  by looking if I have a tumour or not!

Round-Up.

RoundUp ROUND-UP  FROM THE PAST WEEK:

– The 6 YR old overheard me mentioning my Asperger’s and he thought it was ass burgers! He thought it was a swear word! It was so funny!

– My mother’s friend’s angiogram didn’t go so well afterall; she left a message on the answering machine telling her that she just had heart by-pass surgery! Holy shit! I told her that she should call her back but she didn’t, not wanting to pay the long-distance phone bill. Some friend.

– The 10 and 11 YR olds said they want a Chihuahua,too, just like I do, and the 10 YR old suggested that we “trade” the 18 YR old; that we get rid of him, that he moves out and that we get a Chihuahua in his place instead but my mother refuses and said no more pets until she’s dead, anyway, so once again as always I have no say.

– It’s cold again and feels like winter and was 3 C overnight and now my poor flowers are dying from the cold! My friend who lives in Bancroft said she even had SNOW!!

– The 10 YR old found a robin’s egg.

– The 13 soon-to-be 14 YR old’s having a party later today for her upcoming birthday: laser-tag and a BBQ. The 17 YR old also made her 5 birthday cards yet didn’t even make ME 1 card for MY birthday or for Mother’s Day.

– Our oldest told me,”Not everyone in the family hates you; I love you!” which was nice to hear,and where he lives they have a water advisory due to a problem with the water station and it’s expected to go on for 2-3 days with 1.3 MILLION people without water.

– My BP is high again (140/120) and the headaches have returned( for the past week so far) after the meds controlling it for a few months but now it’s back up again so my doc either has to adjust the meds or add something else and the neurologist also said the odd curvature of my neck vertebrae as seen on the MRI indicates arthritis as well, which would explain my near-constant stiffness and soreness .Ughhhh.

– Someone kept knocking on our door and wouldn’t leave, and even now, 10 YRS after our enemy terrorized us I STILL freeze in terror every time someone knocks on our door that we aren’t expecting; fearful that they’ve come after us again and found us. The damage they have done to me will last forever. I will always be looking over my shoulder and living in fear. It will never go away.

– My mother and I were sitting at the table and the 18 YR old walks in and greets her by name but completely ignored me, still treating me cruelly,and my mother defended me the other day,too when he’d said I “deserved” what my enemy did to me(which was going too far and crossed the line) by telling him it was “completely uncalled for” and reminded him that he “was just a little kid and didn’t know what happened”. I was shocked and surprised as usually she’s the first to “throw me under the bus” but this time she actually stood up for me,although it was so traumatic it devastated the entire family and no one deserves what we went thru!

-I saw a fox taking a shit in a golf course, with both the fox and the golfers oblivious to eachother and it was so funny.

– With the 18 YR old not acting civil and can’t even treat me with basic human dignity, respect or decency I no longer have anything to say to him anymore and just try to avoid him now and I miss him (but what else can I do?) but in all honestly I feel like I “lost” him YRS ago already.

– My mother huffed that she “dedicated her whole  life to me financially and otherwise” and has ‘always supported me” and when I told her she’s never been supportive of me(instead of validation, support and sympathy all I got was criticism and blame, and comments like,”Other people have it much worse!” “You should be grateful!” “Stop complaining!” etc.)  she snarked,”What am I supposed to say, agree your life sucks?” and doesn’t know WHY I DON’T like her! She has GOT to be kidding! Then she says she “spent her entire life helping others” (acting like she’s some sort of “martyr”) when she was a nurse and it was her JOB and she got PAID for it! She’s delusional, and I always felt unwanted, unloved,and abandoned, and I practically raised myself and was farmed off to daycare since I was just 6 weeks old and hardly ever even saw her!