Angry.

Screenshot_469 This is what the scrape on my knee looks like from when I fell up the stairs. Angry, nasty-looking thing, huh?I think it must be getting infected( despite cleaning and disinfecting it and keep ing a Band-Aid over it several times a day) as it looks angry, red, and oozing, and it hurts quite alot actually, esp. considering it’s just a scrape, but it’s actually very sore and quite tender, even not having to touch it,and when I turn in bed at night or when my pants even just rub against it, it really hurts. It looks like a a few good layers got torn off. With my virus or whatever reason I’m so run-down tired lately as well it feels like I’m fading away and I alternate between feeling sweaty and chilled.When I sit down it also feels like I’m sitting on something,too and it hurts a bit, almost like there’s something inside, pressing on either my tail-bone or arse….it’s so weird….maybe that’s why my lower back hurts so much lately? I wonder if I might even have a prolapsed uterus or something?

In Mass yesterday as well I felt like I might pass out a couple of times, and as  people were talking around me I could hear the voices swirling around in my head like I do just before I faint and it was a  close one and  as I stood in line for Communion I literally had to talk myself into keeping it together as well when I could feel a panic attack rising. I had to keep repeating over and over in my head, Just keep walking, just keep following the lady in front of you. No one can tell. Just breathe. I had to keep talking myself thru it. There was this one old guy too that kept staring at me I presume because of my hair and I felt like going up to him and saying Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to stare; that it’s rude?

It was also a freezing 5 C when I got up and for Buddy’s walk he had to wear a sweater and I had to wear a knit hat, esp. with hardly any hair, and my hubby was spying at my computer  again and he goes, Oh, you’re going to Jamaica? as I had vacation info up on my screen, and I told him, No, I wish, but I can still dream!  I told the 11 YR old as well Americans are nice people, they just have a shitty President,  and he said, What about all the shootings? and I told him, Those are the bad ones, and there’s bad people everywhere you go; the good ones are the ones trying to get rid of the guns!

Screenshot_471 I also noticed that the stalk of one of my sunflowers in the vase on the coffee table was bent and it was falling over; my guess is that one of kids was fooling around and broke it, and it was starting to die and it can no longer absorb water, so I just cut it and all the others down shorter and now it looks like this (seen in the photo here) which turned out nice, so instead of getting me mad which was probably their likely intention, it worked out nice, so ha, ha! The lyrics in that song from The Cure also remind me of my BFF: You make me feel young again, you make you feel whole again, you make you feel fun again, you make me feel home again .Whenever she and I get together it makes me feel like we’re kids again, just like old times, when I was the Old Me, the one that was happy, the one that I lost and wish I could get back again.

My mother also walked into the rec-room and spying all the boxes packed and piled up on the shelves she asked, What’s all this? and I told her how my hubby’s so sure that we’re moving, he’s got it in his head and convinced himself that we are so he’s packing stuff already, but we’ll never be able to de-clutter,anyway; in our house clutter is LIFE, even though we likely won’t because we can’t afford it and it seems now even the 15 YR old has regisned herself to that fact and even said as much the other day, woefully admitting, We’ll probably never move….yup, probably not.

Screenshot_473

All packed and nowhere to go.

Before I Die…..

Screen Shot 09-11-17 at 07.08 PM I was thinking; if it turns out that I actually do have cancer or I’ve been poisoned and I’ve only got a few months left to live, here are my dying wishes, my Bucket List, or last things I want to accomplish,and do, before I die:

-Go back to the Toronto zoo and see the hippo again

-Get high as f*ck

– Get my brains f*cked out

Go to Jamaica and see the Bob Marley Museum

Fly in a CF-18 fighter jet and scream across the sky

-See the ocean one more time

-See my old house in Toronto one more time

-Get a French manicure again

-Plant sunflowers in my garden

-Get those tie-dye socks

 

I had a dream last night where an impression was made on me, Trouble is coming, making me wonder exactly what kind of trouble was implied; medical, legal, stress-wise, emotional, financial…..what? I had another dream as well that my cousin B is going to die shortly after me and so is Buddy ( likely of a broken heart after losing me) and that she’s the one who brings him to me. In reality though she does have a twisted bowel and is getting a CT scan a week after I get mine, so who knows…. I also forgot about the 14 YR old’s snack last night and I wasn’t even on weed either; I was just busy doing my blog and talking to the 22 YR old and it slipped my mind and I lost track of time and then I went up to bed….then later on I woke up in the middle of the night and realized, Oh, my God! I forgot about her snack! and I felt so badly but luckily she remembered and had a piece of cake that she, the 16 YR old,and the 22 YR old’s GF made, and she remembered her night-time pills on her own,too!

We still can’t find alot of the curriculum we need for this year’s homeschooling,either,and I’m convinced one of the kids  either hid it somewhere or threw it out in the garbage so they wouldn’t have to do it, so we’re trying to order an answer key to the grade 8 language arts and my hubby said he couldn’t find it anywhere online except unless you buy the entire set for 2000$ and he asked me where I got it from originally and I told him and I went on the site and in under a minute I found it…..and for less than 10$,too! I don’t know why he didn’t just ask me to begin with! It would have saved him alot of time and trouble….

Hurricane Irma also devastated 95 % of St. Martin where I’ve also been a couple of times and hit Turks and Caicos, which I’ve been a few times,too, hard as well, and now hit Florida where I’ve also been a couple of times…..geez….it seems that pretty well everywhere I’ve been to ends up having some sort of disaster, and my friend in Tampa the last time I heard from him he said the power was out where he was and I haven’t even heard from my friend in Sarasota, and even friends in West Virginia, Tennessee,and Alabama said they’re being hammered by the storm and have lights flickering and  power out,too! It’s a real bad motherf*cker! The Bible did warn though of increased natural disasters and unusual weather patterns in the Last Days  though….

Yesterday was also the 16th anniversary of 9/11, or the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in NYC and every year the Americans always make such a big deal of it; they really over-do it and make such a big thing over it, acting like they’re the only ones that ever get terrorist attacks and it was the worst thing ever and how dare they get attacked sort of thing, etc… when really it happens all the time all over the world and is a regular occurrance in countries in Europe, Africa,and the Middle East, but it happens one time like this USA and they act like they’re “special”, and it’s no wonder with all their Imperialist war-mongering they do all over the world, too, invading  and bombing other countries and such, pissing everyone off, what do they expect? They’re made alot of enemies…

War Games.

Screen Shot 08-14-17 at 07.21 PM We live near an airforce base so it’s common to see various aircraft flying above overhead frequently, several times a day, esp. as it nears the end of the month, I suspect as the pilots scramble to get in the required number of hours of flying time in for the month, and we commonly see big cargo planes, government jets, rescue helicopters, and the CF-18 fighter jets. The CF-18’s we usually see about twice a month,and those things are soooo loud as they go screaming across the sky that I can even still hear them when I’m in the deep end of the pool, 9 feet underwater!

For the past 4 days or so, however, I’ve been seeing the CF-18’s flying by overhead every day, and yesterday it was even twice, and they always go by in twos; first one will zip past and within mere seconds the second one will come screeching by. It made me wonder: is there perhaps something seriously going on behind closed doors perhaps about USA and it’s threat with war on North Korea and that’s why the fighter jets here have suddenly become more active lately? USA is this country’s closest ally, so maybe the military here has also been put on “notice” just in case and they’re doing extra practice and training, preparing in case they do have to end up going over there to aid the Americans? Oh, God, I hope not, but you never know, and this country is notorious for kissing America’s ass, and this sudden flurry of activity with the military jets just makes me wonder what’s going on…..holy shit….

I also like China’s approach to the situation with North Korea. China is their ally, but they warned them that if they attack USA first then they’re on their own and China’s not going to help them, but if they’re attacked first then they will help them, which I think is fair and reasonable; don’t help the oppressor and aggressor, but stand up for and defend the one being bullied. I notice too how the attack in Virginia( where the deranged f*cker drove his car into a crowd of protesters at a white supremacist rally, killing one and injuring several more) wasn’t ever labelled terrorism, even though it clearly was a terrorist act, as terrorism is basically defined as committing an act of violence and killing innocent people on behalf of a political or ideological cause or agenda, and white supremacy, neo-Nazism qualifies as a political cause, but because the guy wasn’t a Muslim, or brown, or a foreigner, they didn’t call it terrorism, even though it still was, but terrorists can come from anywhere,and extremists and radicals come from all races, religions, colours, countries, etc… incl. home-grown white Americans!

As well, I have a feeling my old friends J and F are dead now; it’s been years since I’ve seen them or heard from them but lately for the past few days I keep having dreams about them and visiting them in my dreams, just like I often do with other people that have died, such as my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, it’s like the “veil” between this world and the next is “thinner” when your brain is in that dimension, the deep sleep cycle, and that’s when they can contact you and you can meet them on the same “frequency”, so it makes me wonder if perhaps they really are dead now…..or maybe I was just simply dreaming about them….but why all of a sudden, and so frequently? I got the impression that they were in Heaven and I was talking with them and they were telling me that they were waiting for me and that it won’t be too long now and they’ll see me soon…

I also got my pills from the pharmacy and the 16 YR old cruelly snarled about me that I get my hands on any drugs that I can, even though all my medications are legally and medically prescribed, and for things like migraines. high BP, depression, ulcers…common stuff….and none of them are opioids, painkillers, sleep aids, tranquilizers, sedatives, habit-forming or addictive in any way, but I guess in her eyes if you take any medication at all you’re some kind of junkie drug addict or something and she’ll look down on you with contempt and disgust. Hopefully when she gets older she’ll be in perfect health and won’t have any medical issues or need any medication at all since she thinks so poorly of those of us that do. That are flawed. That are old. That are falling apart. That are not in the best of health. That are human.

Trump.

Screen Shot 06-07-17 at 08.01 PM I’m no fan of Donald Trump but I still think what Kathy Griffin did with her “beheaded” Trump for a so-called “joke” went too far, was inappropriate, crossed a line and was uncalled for. It was just wrong, no matter who does it to whom, just as it was also equally inappropriate when people did similar images of Obama being noosed, for example.  It reminded me of her imitating an ISIS terrorist holding up the severed head of their victims and there are just some things that aren’t funny and that you just don’t joke about. Now she’s lost alot of her bookings and complains she’s the victim and is being bullied because her “joke” backfired and people were offended, but she has to realize that there are consequences for her actions, which affect her reputation and her career.

As for Trump, he actually did something good though too that I like by pulling out of the Paris Accord on climate change which I think is all just a bunch of hooey and a waste of time and $$$$$ anyway all that enviro indoctrination and crap and the $$$$ wasted on that propaganda can be much better spent on social programs that could go a long way to alleviate human suffering, such as into health, education, alleviating poverty, homelessness, helping shelters, refugees, etc. People seem to care more about the environment than about the actual people who live on the Earth, and environmentalism has almost become like the New World Religion and I’m glad actually that someone finally has the courage to stand up to all this tree hugging Earth worshipping garbage. I don’t even think climate change is a real thing,either, but merely a scare tactic the enviro freaks use; I think it’s just a part of the Earth’s natural cycle it goes thru changing climates over time.

As well, the top of my left foot’s all peeling I originally thought was just from my suntan from Cuba but now it’s spreading and really itchy and even sore but not like a usual sunburn,and it’s all red and infected all around it,too, so now I’m starting to think that maybe it’s actually something quite different, like some sort of infection or something, so I’m going to keep an eye on it,  and the 14 YR old was talking mean about another family member as well and I confronted her about it asking her why she’s always so mean to them and what did they ever do to make her hate them so much and she replied that they did something I don’t know about and don’t need to know about….so now I’m left all wondering and curious……what did they do…or what does she think they might have done….no one ever tells me anything and no one will ever talk or discuss it,and when I asked the 15 YR old just dismissed it as me being paranoid, but I know what I see and what I hear, and it bothers me that maybe she’s just abandoned them because they have problems(when they really need support the most) and also I never knew what was going on with her or with the 19 YR old before either……and look how that turned out….

Skype.

Screen Shot 03-18-17 at 07.39 PM I’m now on Skype! I had been instant messaging the kids on Google Chat but they have since left and headed over to Skype so I decided to go there too in order to be able to continue to send them messages. It took me awhile though as I thought you could  only do it by web-cam, and I don’t want people to see my ugly mug (which is why I prefer to socialize online, that way I don’t get so nervous with my anxiety and social phobia as I don’t have to actually talk; I can write, which I am more comfortable at,and they don’t have to actually see what I look like!) but then someone told me you also have the option of NOT using the live-action and can just send messages without them actually seeing you, so I decided to look into it.

Of course I got zero  co-operation from my family, who made it glaringly clear that they don’t want me as a contact and don’t want me on Skype,as they tried their hardest to discourage me, wouldn’t help me, and once I did figure it out and get it all set up on my own regardless they still wouldn’t tell me what theirs and eachother’s screen-names were so that I could send them contact requests,and them and my hubby also started making excuses that  oh, no one even uses Skype anymore….when I know for a fact that they do, communicating with siblings who have moved away and out of town and over-seas friends…yeah…nice try,assholes. As it turns out, the 9 YR old knew their screen-names so he told me and I sent the requests a few days ago and still no response or reply( I think they’re purposely ignoring me) and no one has accepted my request for me to add them…..so here I have this new account…..and no contacts…..and yet another way my toxic family excludes me and makes me feel like I’m nothing.

As well, I’m pretty sure I had another seizure in my sleep overnight last night as I woke up with a sore mouth at first I thought must be a tooth but then as I awoke more I realized was the inside of my cheek on the left side, that I must have been biting down on it during my sleep, something I’d only do during a seizure, and all last evening I felt really “creepy” and gross,too, just not “right”, sort of like when your BP plunges down really low, so something must have “shifted”, leading up to it and sort of like a warning.Even today I still feel nauseated and like I’m always going to faint. I just wish I knew what it was, and what was causing it.Hopefully the EEG will have some answers…..

The 17 YR old had a nice trip in Virginia over March Break with Cadets,too, and they passed thru Syracuse NY on the way there and she said the whole city looked like a ghetto, and she went on a battleship, to the Smithsonian, an airforce museum, etc. and bought alot of coins and a really cool jellyfish encased in glass, and said for souvenirs she had to get something distinctly American and I gasped in horror, You mean you got a GUN? ( How would she ever bring that thru customs??) but it was just a commemorative Trump coin. She doesn’t like him; she thinks he’s a buffoon, but it will be a collector’s item someday.

She also said that alot of the Cadet squadrons weren’t able to go on the trip if they had Indian, Arab, or Muslim cadets as they wouldn’t let them cross the border into USA! That’s just Fascist and downright discrimination and a hate crime, not letting someone in your country because of their race or religion! It reminds me of Hitler trying to rid Europe of the Jews! New World Order! He’s a dictator!! Talk not only about racism, hate,exclusion,and discrimination, but white privilege!  That kind of shit just makes me so mad!!

What I Got From My Parents.

Screen Shot 03-12-17 at 09.13 AM 001 I was trying to decipher what I got more from my mother or from my father and I figure maybe it’s about equal; half and half. From my mother I inherited her anxiety and worrying nature, her homely looks, and now I’m in middle-age I also unfortunately also now inherited her droopy, saggy face complete with double chin and jowls like a bull dog, and fat physique,after being thin for most of my life, until I hit 40, and now I am destined to be a fat, round, not-so little old lady. I didn’t used to really look too much like her when I was younger but now that I’m older I can really see the resemblance and I hate it because it reminds me of her and I want to be nothing like her.

From my father, I inherited his big forehead and long face, my blue eyes, and most of my personality traits, all of which my mother hates because it reminds her of him. It’s interesting though that I’m so much like him considering I haven’t seen him(or been influenced by him) since I was 2 YRS old( and heard nothing but negative bitter stuff about him all my life from my toxic mother) proving how much genetics plays a part. I am outspoken like he was, I challenge authority like he did, I stand up against injustice like he did, I’m connected to Europe like he was, I have his bad temper and impatience, I won’t hesitate to tell people off like he did, I’m opinionated like he was,and I’m political like he was.

I am also my own self as well, that I just developed on my own, different than both of my parents. Like being religious, for example. Neither of them were but I have always been spiritual and had a close relationship with God my entire life, even when I was a kid, and I can even remember begging my mother for us to go to church but I only got to go when my Babushka took me. I am also a free-spirit, have never gone along with the crowd, done my own thing, had my own style, and have sort of this old hippie soul.I also have always loved writing ,art,and music, all things, tastes, and traits I developed on my own, without any influence from my parents.

As well, the 17 YR old crossed the border ok (and she wasn’t detained thinking she was a terrorist or refugee or something) and on her way to Virginia stopped off in Pennsylvania at the Hershey chocolate factory ( when I was in Belgium I went to a small family-owned chocolatier) and tomorrow it’ll be 2 weeks late for “Aunt Flow” and I’m hoping it’s done for good and won’t come at all anymore, that I’m in menopause now, and in church yesterday I suddenly felt really hot and sweaty,too, so maybe it’s hot flashes? With my luck though probably not, it’ll probably come when I have to get my EEG and be a real gusher being so late and immobilize me with killer cramps….it always comes at the worst possible time!

There was this kid in church too that kept shrieking, kicking, and banging the kneeling bench and everyone kept turning around and glaring at him and I wonder if he was maybe autistic or just a brat that doesn’t know how to behave, and it reminded me of when we used to take our 2 severely handicapped kids to church YRS ago when they were little, and they’d make their weird noises, flap their hands,rock, and hit themselves and people would stare and it was so embarrassing. My hubby also gave me a cell phone to call him when church ended to pick me up as he didn’t want to have to wait for me, not even for a few minutes, and it was too cold to walk with a wind-chill of -25 C except I couldn’t figure out how to use the stupid thing and I tried dialing 6 times or so and during Mass someone called on his phone too but I just ignored it and pretended I didn’t notice and hoped no one knew it was coming from my purse, and I don’t know how to even turn it off, either! He’s not a good husband,either: he said he’d rather have me sitting out there freezing waiting for him to come pick me up, or have me even walk in the freezing cold than to have him have to wait for me,even though he’d be waiting in the van and can turn the heat on! A good husband would actually care about his wife and not want her to freeze to death or to have to wait out in the freezing cold.A good husband cares more about his wife than about himself.

Also: one of my fave. Bible verses:

Behold thou to me, and have thou mercy on me; for I am one alone and poor. -Psalm 25: 16

Exhausted.

screen-shot-02-04-17-at-08-23-am I was actually surprised when my ultrasound came back normal and I didn’t have any indications of uterine or ovarian cancer because for months, for at least since the summer I always feel so run-down, exhausted, dropping-dead, weak,fatigued,run over, wiped-out, listless, deflated, worn out, and dog-dead tired all the time, from the morning when I wake up until the moment I go to sleep at night. I even wake up tired. My eyes feel stinging I feel so tired.I get out of breath going up a flight of stairs. I have so little energy I can only handle one project or task a day without getting completely and totally wiped out! I could have either decided to bath my dog  today, for example, or shovel the snow, or cut my hair, but not more than just one of them a day, and the others would have to be done on other days because doing more than one thing a day just utterly and totally fatigues me and I ‘m just so tired and I have to rest.

feel like a deflated balloon.…. a hippo balloon…..naturally.

What else other than cancer would cause such extreme fatigue? I’ve had Epstein-Barr Virus when I was a teen, and I was very fatigued with that, but now I’m even more tired,yet I often have trouble falling asleep and I lay there,awake, for HRS, and I’ve pretty well always been depressed for the majority of my life ever since I was 13 (and  taking medications) and it’s not the fatigue of depression or of the mood stabilizers, either, so I wonder what it is? Why am I always so tired and exhausted that I can hardly even function?Is it possible I DO still cancer somewhere that they’ve  possibly missed?

As well, today one of the kids turns 19 and I’m happy and grateful that he has esp. since he’s the one who’s had many close-calls and we nearly lost him so many  times, but it wasn’t his time yet and God still has other plans for him, of which I an so thankful, and one of my cousins now has neurological damage and an immune disorder caused by getting the Flu vaccine which is why we never get it as everyone we know that has always gets really sick, sicker than if you have the Flu, some even ended up in the ICU, so we just take our chances with the Flu, which we still only ever get every 5 YRS or so,anyway.

While high on weed 90 minutes also went by and I was surprised and thought it had only been 5 minutes as time seemed to slow down and it didn’t feel like that much time had gone by, like how you feel coming out of anesthesia,time feels like it’s gone by quickly, and I went “inside” my head, and  then I got over-emotional watching the 9 YR old playing a video game every time the cute character Kirby got the shit kicked out of him or stabbed,etc.and I would cringe and cover my eyes,etc, not wanting to see , feeling “sorry” for him! and I filled in one of those online surveys while high too so it will be very interesting to see what I said and how it turned out!

As you also may or may not be aware of, I have alot of American friends and you might be interested to know, that, statistically, only a very few of them  actually support and approve of their new Prez Trump, but the vast majority of them  don’t, and, in fact, are ashamed ,embarrassed, and appalled by him.Just a small sample of American politics for you. Just in case you might be interested. You’re welcome.I aim to please.(just so long as you don’t piss me off) HA.