The Mink Hat.

screen-shot-02-13-17-at-08-37-am  In church on Sunday I saw a woman with a mink hat and right away it triggered a flashback of a memory of long-ago that I had forgotten about, or so I’d thought, a memory of Babushka, my grandmother, and her mink hats. I remember when I was a kid back in the 1970’s my grandmother, who I called Babushka, had a few mink hats; I think she had 3 but I can’t be exact, but I know more than 2. I remember them being the “Pill-box” style which was popular at the time and I remember her letting me try them on, along with her jewellery, and I remember that she also had a mink coat,too, and a mink cape which she let me try on as well, and I’d parade around in front of the mirror and I’d feel so grand and so sophisticated, like a princess. Seeing that lady in church wearing the mink hat in that same light blonde colour brought me right back to my childhood, standing there trying on Babushka‘s mink hats, pretending to be a Grand Dame, while inventing stories in my head about my whirlwind, fabulous, extravagant, opulent life, dancing with handsome princes and dining with the Queen.

Babushka was a woman ahead of her time,too; she had not only a job before most women worked outside of the home, but she had a career; she was a buyer for a department store and even was responsible for a few pages in the catalogue, the women’s fashions,and regularly went to France, Switzerland,and Italy to get a heads-up in the fashion world, and she even drove a car before it was common for women to drive, she was able to make her own clothes and even had a a mannequin of her measurements like the 15 YR old now has as well and designs and makes her own clothes and designs( I wonder where  that came from? Babushka….are you able to see this?”) sewing, knitting and crocheting, and she even laid down carpet and built the deck out back, skills learned from growing up with 5 brothers! She would have been 105 YRS old now, but she died when she was 93. I still miss her and when I die I want it to be her that meets me.

We still don’t know who sent the 17 YR old the anonymous flowers on Valentine’s Day,either, and the thought occured to me, ” How do we even know that a boy sent it?” maybe  it’s possible it’s from a girl, and she doesn’t want us to know! Is she possibly gay but afraid to tell us? I mean, the possibility has crossed my mind on occassion that the probability is there that out of 11 kids that the odds are that one of them may very well likely turn out to be gay…and for Valentine’s Day dinner she did go out to dinner with 2 female friends and she really dressed up fancy, like it was a date….even if she(or any of the kids) is gay it still won’t change anything,though,and I won’t feel any differently about her, or think “less” of her, or disown her, or anything like that,and one thing I’ve learned in life is that life’s too short to not be happy, and I just want them(the kids) to be happy, to find love, and to be themselves.

The kids also grumble about Buddy about me, “Why does he love her so much?” and I told them, “How about because he’s my dog  and I love him,and I’m nice to him?” and I had this realization as well that each day I post a blog entry it could be my last if I die that night in my sleep and I never get the chance to do any more posts,and so it got me thinking, “What will my very last words end up being?” I just hope it ends up  being something nice though, like about love, peace, or about hippos, about something I care about and love,and that it doesn’t end up rude or,tragic, or too sad.Whatever it is, it will immortalize me forever.I wonder what my last words will end up being? Here’s today final thought I leave you with sums up my life experiences perfectly:

Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion. – Arthur Koestler

The Bomb.

screen-shot-02-14-17-at-04-48-pm First of all, here is a cute hippo I found yesterday for Valentine’s Day. The 17 YR old also got flowers(incl. long stem red roses!) sent anonymously( she knew who they were from but she wouldn’t tell us) and all she would say was that they were “from a Nigerian prince.” HA…..yeah….right.She also told me if a parcel arrives for “Doug” that it would be for her. Doug? I’d probably rather not know.  How romantic and sweet though! I’ve only ever gotten flowers myself a few times(from my hubby) and never when I was a teen, but she’s a pretty girl so this will just be the first of many,and the first of many admirers,and male suitors. They’ll be lining up for her.She’s so lucky and is already starting to live the life I could only ever dream about. I still can’t figure out though how a couple of “uggos” like us ended up with such a pretty kid.

screen-shot-02-14-17-at-12-32-pm My Charmed Aroma bath bomb also came,seen here fizzing in the tub. When I’d said, “The bomb I ordered arrived!” the 9 YR old goes, “What? Are you going to blow up the house?” and when I’d mentioned the other day about the “bomb I’d ordered still hadn’t arrived yet the 17 YR old turned around, with a shocked, horrified look on her face and gasped, “Whaaat?” I got the peach mango one and it smells soooooooooo incredibly  yummy it scented up the entire bathroom and it released a cascade of aromatic oils and perfumes I soaked in the tub as long as I could, basking in it, until I got all wrinkly and pruned and the water turned cold; it was the most luxurious bath I ever had! It was beyond wonderful and if I were rich I’d treat myself to one every day! My mother was horrified that it only lasted for one bath for the cost, though, that it all dissolves away in a matter of seconds( it was the size of a tennis ball) and can only be used once and not saved and re-used, but it was glorious and I just felt so pampered.Oh, what a wonderful feeling! It was pure bliss!!

screen-shot-02-14-17-at-12-33-pm Here is the mystery surprise ring that I got inside it. It has an opal on it,and is appraised at 150$.It’s nice, but I enjoyed the bath bomb so much and it made me feel and smell so good I think I maybe even like it more than the ring!  The 22 YR old’s GF also got accepted at a local college here for the fall so she’ll be moving here so she and the 22 YR old can be together(isn’t that sweet?) and yesterday it felt like bugs were crawling and jumping around in my hair,too, and it was really creepy and I kept scratching, and I thought maybe I had fleas from Buddy but then realized it was also awhile after I’d had my weed so hopefully it wasn’t real and I was just hallucinating….Holy Mother of God, I was just so grossed-out.

I think I may also know what cause my sore neck,too: when I have seizures during the night! It was just stiff and sore for the one day and then ok for a couple of days and then  it was back again another day, right from the morning when I woke up and I also vaguely remember having a seizure, or rather, coming out of one, during the night overnight, and the stiffening and twisting of my neck during a seizure could most definitely explain neck stiffness and pain(although I do also have arthritis in a couple of my vertebrae,too so it could also be that), as well as why I always feel so exhausted, run-down, listless, fatigued,and have no energy; if I’m regularly having seizures during my sleep my sleep would always be interrupted so I wouldn’t be getting a good sleep and I’d be tired all the time, plus seizures themselves are very exhausting, so I think that could be it. I also had a “vision” of a sort of me laying in a hospital bed with burns all over my body, that I was in another fire, and another one that I have some sort of problem with my heart as well, which is another reason I’m always so tired and out of breath, have fluid retention and swelling, and feel so weak and like I’m fading away. Shit.

Valentina.

screen-shot-02-12-17-at-02-30-pm-001 I got this cute hippo from my hubby for Valentine’s Day. I called her Valentina. (yes, I do give all my stuffed toy hippos names, ok?) but it wasn’t as romantic as you might think or may have been hoping. In fact we were at the drug store picking up my prescription  and because we had to wait I was looking at the Valentine’s Day stuff aisle and saw this adorable pink hippo with hearts so I picked it up, hollered over to my hubby, “Here! This is my Valentine’s Day gift!” and tossed him the hippo……and that was it. So much for romance. HA!

screen-shot-02-13-17-at-04-49-pm I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day anyway as before I hated it as it used to be a painful reminder of what I didn’t have : love and romance and probably never would….and now it’s still a sad reminder of what I don’t have, plus the loss of an illusion,too; that I never did get that “fairytale” love, romance,and marriage that I’d always wanted, hoped for,and dreamed of, and that my desire to have a family was a dream that turned into a nightmare.Instead, I ended up in an unhappy, loveless marriage, and still longing and dreaming for a romance that never materialized, and likely never will, and today is just like rubbing salt into the wound.

The doctor’s office also called and said my biopsy came back normal; NO skin cancer, and I’m actually a bit disappointed (only I’d be disappointed to NOT have cancer!) because I was hoping that if  I did at least it would explain why I’m always so drop-dead tired, run-down, have no energy and feel like I’m fading away and getting weaker and weaker each day. At least if I had cancer I would have had an answer; now I still don’t know why! Most of the kids used to be nicer to me when they were younger,too(I just had a couple of “bad seeds”) but as they got older and saw how my mother and hubby treated me they copied them and saw that’s just how I’m supposed to be treated( inferior, disrespectfully, condescending, dismissively, abusively, etc.) and they just grew up imitating it.

My mother mentioned as well how this YR 3 of the kids have “Milestone” birthdays; ages 16, 18,and 21, and when I reminded her that no one cared about my milestone 50TH this YR  but when she turned 50 at least she got a limo ride she huffed, “That was back when you used to care about me!” and I told her, “That was also before you started over-stepping boundaries with my kids!” She really just doesn’t see why we don’t gel along and why I hate her when she doesn’t know her place with my kids and is always over-ruling, under-mining,and sabotaging me and with the disciplining my kids and has turned them against me, always criticizes and belittles me and puts me down, has always rejected me, blames me for everything and blames everything on me, always takes my hubby’s “side” against mine in everything and they gang-up on me ….yet she doesn’t understand why I have issues with her  and why we don’t get along anymore.

Oh, also that,and the time she told me that she never loved me, and “the reason I love so-and-so- so much is because she’s “nothing like you!” and yeah, stuff like that.

My Obituary.

screen-shot-02-11-17-at-08-39-am I saw a death notice for the step-mother of a guy from our old church in the paper the other day and it made me think about my own obituary one day and what it might say, and what I’d want it to say. Knowing my family it would probably say something mean.I’d want it to announce the cause of my death because I know when I read the death notices I always wonder how they died so this way everybody would know, and it would say the usual things, of course, such as my age, and mention my hubby and my kids, and I would like it to mention that my family and my faith were important to me, and that I enjoyed travelling, and in memorium instead of flowers for donations to be made to the Turgwe Hippo Trust, although I still do want my 2 fave. flowers, lilacs and sunflowers.I guess that’s it; I don’t really know what else there is to say; I’m not a very interesting person and I have a pretty boring life and haven’t really done much or accomplished anything. It’s kind of sad,really. Not only is my life depressing, so will my death notice be,too.

We had a huge snowstorm yesterday,too, it snowed all day, we must have got at least 30 cm and with the blizzard there were only 35 people at church( yes, I still went to church in a blizzard, the only reason I won’t go is if I’m really sick, like if I have the Flu or if I just had surgery) and for Valentine’s Day they had married couples re-new their vows at the end of Mass,too, and I didn’t have to do it as I was there alone but it made me feel uncomfortable and awkward seeing all the other happy couples as it was a stinging reminder of the loving, happy marriage that I don’t have, and probably never will ,and I wouldn’t want to re-new it, and,in fact, regret even doing it the first time!

The 13 YR old also said they (the kids) “hate Jesus” because I “forced it on them” (going to church, with religion) but I raised them in it, there’s a difference, and being right with God and their eternal salvation matters and is important! I also didn’t want to neglect their religious upbringing like mine was when I was growing up. They also go to the morning Mass and I go to the evening one as it’s less of a rush and they always complain and wait last minute to get dressed and go out the door literally 2 minutes before it starts and it’s always such a stress and I wonder if they even really actually go, or if they just hang out at Tim Horton’s or someplace for the HR and wait there and just say they go to church(like one of my friends used to do when we were kids; she’d tell her mother she went to church but really she’d come over and hang out at my house) and then come back? The way the 13 and 15 YR olds(and sometimes the 17 YR old joins them,too) treat me also remind me of those “girl gangs” in school of mean girls that think it’s “cool” to be mean to me and bully me, and it feels like I’m almost re-living Jr. High all over again and it just breaks my heart the way they treat me.I used to think that at least having my own kids I could make my own people that would love me but even they don’t and ended up hating me,too.

Patti also always brags on Facebook and in real life about what a “perfect” mother she is, perfect little housewife she is, how immaculately clean her house is, how perfect her kids are etc. and it really grates on my nerves and gets really annoying! She’s just such a show-off and braggart, and she’s always critical of everyone else,too, and how they don’t measure up to her high standards and it’s getting really tiresome.It makes me feel even worse than I already do too about what a failure I am, having kids that hate me and that are so disobedient and disrespectful and that have turned away from God and towards the world, esp. when I tried so hard to raise them godly. If only she knew. I’d be so embarrassed.

 

National Hippo Appreciation Day.

Hooray Today is National Hippo Appreciation Day! I, of course, appreciate hippos EVERY day, not just on this one day, but it’s nice to know that these magnificent animals have their own day for *everyone* to appreciate them! The 12 YR old used to love hippos like I do as well but not so much anymore( she doesn’t like ANY of the things that she used to and I think that’s just sad) and it saddens me as it was one of our shared and common interests. I still love them though. Always will!

Love a hippo today!

Unloved C’est moi.

Yesterday for Valentine’s Day I got a funny card from my hubby and a box of chocolates. It’s also basically International Everybody Gets Laid Day and he rubbed up against me and was dry-humping me( it reminded me of when the dog humps my leg!) and I told him, “Let’s go for it and go ALL the way!” but he refused, saying I’d probably get prego, even though it’s extremely unlikely at MY age(49) plus I’m just finishing “Aunt Flow” so it’s still “safe”…..I felt so rejected and used.He doesn’t care as long as he got HIS “jollies”; he got what HE wanted and he didn’t care about ME! I can’t even be sexy or attractive even when I *TRY* and I can’t even get laid on Valentine’s Day! Even he’s not attracted to me! I figure it’s because I look like a big fat hippo and he doesn’t want to see me naked, but I guess I really can’t blame him; I wouldn’t want to see that,either, and it would be like f*cking a hippo, and as much as I like hippos I still wouldn’t want to f*ck one.

HippoVDay#2 Here’s a cute hippo Valentine from me to me.

Valentine’s Day.

HippoVDay Today is Valentine’s Day. Do you know the origin of it? It’s named in honour of the real St. Valentine, a Bishop in ancient Rome who was martyred; the Emperor Claudius II had outlawed marriage as he wanted as many single men as possible for his army, but St. Valentine believed in love and wanted to preserve it so he still performed marriages in secret and when the Emperor found out he was beheaded.

I never liked Valentine’s Day. It’s always been a stinging reminder of the love and romance that I never had; how I never received valentines, how no guys were ever interested in me, how in highschool when roses were sent from the boys to the girls I would always hope every YR I’d get some but I never did….and how my bitch two-faced user “friend” would smirk and brag, “*I* got SIX! How many did YOU get?” knowing very well I never got any….until that one YR that I anonymously sent one to myself and had the card read, “From your Secret Admirer” so I wouldn’t look like such a loser, and she was soooo jealous and went around to all the boys, asking them who sent it. Even now I’m married I’ll still be lucky if I even just get a card….

Cupid(new) THIS is what *I* think of Valentine’s Day!

13Feb2016 As well, it’s soooo bone-chilling COLD that Buddy refused to go pee outside; even when I took him out 5 times(and froze my ass off!) he’d just lay there, shivering and crying but refused to go…he held it for a mind-boggling 21 HRS until he FINALLY went as he just wasn’t able to hold it any longer! It was so cold it felt like – 40 C! I’ve also been having my recurring dream I move back to our old Toronto house(I lived in from age 12 to 17) for the past 3 nights in a row and I wonder what it means, if it’s symbolic of anything or trying to “tell” me anything?

My hubby also asked why I bother watching the Toronto news as it’s “Not MY city”…but it’ll ALWAYS be my city…he just doesn’t “get” it, and I wish I could move back, and he scoffed as well that, “No one cares about YOUR opinion!” and that MY opinion doesn’t matter so I told him that HE’S a redneck and I don’t care about HIS opinion,either,and HIS opinion doesn’t matter, so we’re “even!”

The Elsa Dress.

ElsaDress(new) Here is the “Elsa” style dress from “Frozen” that the 11 YR old made in her sewing class. It was a big project and she did a great job! Isn’t it beautiful? I am so proud of her. It’s really nice. She made it in her size and I just gasped when I saw it; it’s like a princess! She’s sewed so many nice things and has such talent. I think sewing( as well as cooking) is a skill that every girl should know. It’s also going down to – 40 C so I’m going to be a frozen turd and the 13 YR old says all I do is lay on the couch with Buddy and listen to music, and while I was in the livingroom I saw a Conan O’Brien thing my hubby and the 17 and 20 YR olds were watching where he kept making  fun of and putting down his associate producer Jordan and I thought it was mean and felt really badly for the guy; I know what it feels like to be bullied and it looked to me like workplace harrassment and isn’t that illegal? Plus, it’s wrong to film the abuse for entertainment purposes to have people laugh at the bullying at his expense. What’s wrong with people?

ValentineHippo I also got this cute pink singing hippo from my hubby for Valentine’s Day which was a nice surprise and Buddy went wild, wanting to tear it apart and gut it as he likes to do with stuffed toys, esp. if they make sounds but I told him hands off it or else he’s dead meat and then I put it way up high out of his reach, and there’s all this hype about “50 Shades of Grey” book and movie and personally I think it’s nothing but pornographic filth and smut and they couldn’t PAY me to read it or see it and when the 17 YR old was reading excepts aloud off the computer( much to my horror and disgust) it was so poorly written too ( they even said lame things like “Holy cow!” now, I don’t read porn but I somehow don’t think they’d use expressions like “Holy cow!”) it sounded like an 8th grader wrote it! It was so graphic, vulgar,and vile just hearing the few lines he read aloud it made me throw up in my mouth a little. Some people are just so perverted.

My mother had the gall to say that *I* always put HER down as well when SHE’S the one that’s always criticizing, demoralizing, blaming, provoking, goading, turning everything around onto, turning the kids against, insulting, undermining, and putting ME down…yet when I stand up for myself and fight back I’M putting HER down? SHE’S the bully, and I can eventually see myself committing suicide and that will likely end up being the cause of my death( esp. as I have attempted it 3 times before) and also because I have more reasons to and few not to.