Rip-Off!!

Screenshot_882 The joint I ordered from the official gov’t cannabis site finally arrived! It took almost 2 weeks….and it ended up being this piddly tiny little thing, smaller than my little finger, and with taxes and shipping it costs a whopping 16 $ for just the one! I got ripped-off! I feel so cheated and it came in this big long tube(seen here) too and made me think I was getting this Big Fatty…..and then when you see the small dinky little thing inside….almost half of it filter…(kind of “fancy” though as I’ve never had a joint with a filter before but even so, it’s like getting a bag of chips and it’s half full of air). Disappointment didn’t even begin to describe how I felt. It was like when I was a kid and I sent away for those Sea Monkeys at the back of a comic book and eagerly awaited their arrival only to find they didn’t work and all I got was a bunch of cloudy water.

Never again. I’m still sticking with my regular supplier. I should have known anything from the gov’t would be over-priced, a rip-off, half-assed and take forever. They started off ripping off the Native people and now they rip-off everyone else, too, and now with legalized weed they have just simply found yet another way to cheat us, rip us off and over-charge us somehow. I’m so mad and now I hate this country even more than I already did before and should send them a nasty scathing complaint letter. Maybe I should even send a shit bomb to Parliament Hill?

The only good thing was that whatever rolling paper they used was slow-burning so at least I got to slowly enjoy it. Originally I was going to save it for an emergency, but I’m never too good at saving things; whenever I get something new, esp. a treat, whether it’s a donut, a new magazine, a joint, or whatever, I can rarely contain my excitement and enthusiasm and I end up eating/reading/using/doing it right away; I can’t wait and I can’t save it, and besides, it was a bad day and I needed to de-stress.There’s just something extra relaxing about laying back and taking long slow drags off a joint and blowing out the smoke and just enjoying the moment, like a little temporary escape from the chaos of life. I had such a bad day as well I really needed an escape. When I came inside the 24 YR old quipped, as the smell of weed wafted past, Is Snoop Dogg in the house?

When the guys were out they forgot the yogurt for the 15 YR old(again!) and ever since her eating disorder I still have to meticuously make sure she gets enough to eat and all the right nutrients at the right times and the right amounts and monitor her intake  to try and prevent a relapse, and they went out again and I told them to be back at 6 pm for dinner and of course they never bothered and didn’t return until hours later,disregarding me yet again, and they also got me the wrong wrap too so I never had lunch, and then the 17 YR old was really mouthy, insulting,name-calling disrespectful, nasty, defiant and talking back and being a bitch(I’m being abused by my kids, too!!) when I told her to do something and she refused and basically bragged I have no authrotity over her and I can’t make her do anything and of course my hubby agreed and backed her up and then he starts ripping into me that  never shut up and keep going on and on about everything all the time, and repeating myself even though no one ever listens or hears me and I have no voice or say and I’m never heard. Maybe if they actually took the time to listen  what I have to say(and do what they’re told!) the first time I wouldn’t have to.

I also had the thought cross my mind, being just so fed up with my family, my life, being so unhappy for so long and not seeing any hope or improvement or any end to it, Why wait until Buddy dies (he is my best friend, my joy, and my lifeline and without him I have nothing left to live for, to keep me going) to kill myself? Why not just do it now? What am I waiting for? but then I figured, Then I lose and they win. That’s what they want.

Ganja Liberation Day!!

Screenshot_701 After being illegal for the past 95 years (other than medical marijuana being legal for 15 years, like what I have for the past 3 years now)  weed is now finally legal here in Canada! It has now finally, at long last, been legalized for recreational use. Even before this country was already one of the highest consumers of weed (we’re a nation of potheads, ha,ha) only it was underground so now the real only difference is that people will be more open about it and not so secretive, no longer having to hide from the police, but can now do it openly and not have to hide anymore. My hubby and the girls look down on me for my medical marijuana use though, even though it’s all but eliminated my migraines, that were so bad I’d generally have them pretty much daily, and lasting weeks on end, with my longest lasting for 33 days straight. Weed has been a lifesaver for me and there’s no way I’d ever go back tot he suffering and torture I had with my migraines like I had before.

My family acts like I’m some sort of junkie though, like some kind of crack addict or something, even though I don’t even take my prescribed daily dose, which is 2 gm, because I can’t afford it; I don’t have the $$$$$ to be able to take it that often or to buy that much, so I ration it and make do with less taking a much lower, less frequent amount, but I have been prescribed 2 gm daily, spread out twice a day, the equal of 2 joints daily. Then the question remains: what is the difference though, between an addiction and a habit or routine? How can you tell if one is addicted or if it’s just a part of your daily routine, such as with any other daily prescribed medication you take, or even vitamins; you take them every day, and you depend on them and need them, in order to stay healthy and yet no one accuses you of being an addict or a junkie, yet once that medication is marijuana everyone suddenly gets all judgemental…

I’m also utterly lost and confused that for the past 2 years or so all 5 of the girls have all been shunning, blacklisting and ignoring the Edmonton Boys (the oldest, who just turned 29 yesterday, and the 20 year old) and yet when I ask no one will tell me why or give me an answer. They’re their brothers and yet they’ve shut them out of their lives completely and don’t even talk to them…..but why? There must be a reason, but when I ask they won’t tell me saying they don’t remember, it doesn’t matter, or when I ask one of them they’ll tell me to go ask the other and vice-versa, so no one’s telling me anything, and the only hint might be is the 17 YR old said they use and sell drugs so we don’t associate with them and they’re “beneath” us,  and the 23 YR old said they put up a SnapChat video of them snorting Ketamine, which is a horse tranquilizer and is used in anesthesia during surgery… and then he said the oldest’s been selling drugs since he was in highschool and then chided me for how could you not have noticed or known? and when I said I had no idea he goes, That’s because you didn’t ask…. except I do ask…..but nobody ever tells me anything! He criticized me for “not noticing” but if nothing looks suspicious why would I and if they’re good at hiding, keeping secrets,sneaking around, and covering for one another how would I notice or have any idea that anything was wrong? I’m not a mind reader, afterall! Excuse me for trusting my kids when I never thought there was any reason not to.

Until now that is.

So then there’s also this: what’s true and what’s not. The kids also have a history of causing drama, of causing trouble, of making up stories, holding grudges, making big things out of little things, playing mind-games with me, playing on my worries,setting eachother up,lying….is any of that even true, about the drugs I mean, and is that why they’ve shut them out of their lives, or was it just over some stupid little disagreement or something and they’re holding a grudge? My mother wonders if maybe they’re gay or something but even if so that’s still no reason to dis-own them and cut them out of their lives and social circle, so I wonder what it could be? Did someone do something so bad ( I can’t imagine what, like stealing or something maybe?) that got them banished, or was it all just a stupid misunderstanding of some sort, or an over-reaction, a dumb grudge, did they have a fight, take “sides” over some issue that divides them, or what? All the 15 YR old would say is it’s sibling stuff.

It bothers me though how they’ve just cut them out of their lives like that, and not even telling me why; I wish they’d just make up and make peace and end their feud, whatever caused it. The 23 YR old said I need to work on my relationships and that’s true as due to my Asperger’s, bipolar,and social phobia I know I don’t relate to, connect with, bond with, socialize well, etc. with people easily, well, and can appear distant but I do still care and it makes me sad to see that some of my kids are feuding and shunning others.It hurts me as well that they always keep stuff from me, even important stuff, even though I am the mother and I do have the right to know what my kids are up to and esp. if anyone is struggling in any way and needs help, like with the 15 and 20 year olds when they went thru their mental health crisis; the other kids knew but no one told us, delaying treatment. Their UsVSThem mentality can be very harmful.

Free The Ganja!

Rastaman In less than a month cannabis will be legalized here in Canada for recreational use, not just for medical use( like I have) as it is now. On 17 October, actually, is the day, although the gov’t announced for the first 6 months it can only legally be purchased from special gov’t shops online, no actual dispensaries that you walk-in. They currently do have such places now that run illegally and are always getting busted and shut down by the police and are then always quick to re-open again. As for me and others that have legal medical prescriptions from doctors we currently get ours online from sanctioned gov’t approved and controlled suppliers. My concern is that it’s so limited. I mean, how are people that don’t have credit cards, for example, supposed to attain it? Maybe it’s so it’s harder for kids to purchase it, although I’m sure they’ll still have the street corner dealers that don’t charge tax, for example, and I had my first credit card ( American Express) when I was 16….. and, of course, they can always steal their parent’s credit cards and use their number, or just have an older, legal-age friend order it for them, just like for generations under-agers have had older people sneak booze for them. There’s always a way.

Another issue is that even when it does become legal for people over 18 to sell, purchase and use weed, the gov’t has still put strict limitations on the types of advertising they can and cannot do. It has to be very plain and unappealing and not indicate at all what the product is or what it does and no fancy attractive labelling, packaging or advertising either and, unlike alcohol(which is also federally regulated and controlled and only sold in special gov’t run stores although now some grocery stores are starting to sell it) they won’t be able to run ads on TV, for example. Alcohol is way more harmful than weed yet the rules are more stricter for weed than they are for alcohol and I hate it that the Fascist Big Brother Police State always has to meddle and control and over-regulate everything. In the spring dispensaries will be able to open to the public, but they’ll need a special license and will be strictly monitored by the gov’t. and it will also be strictly restricted where it can be smoked and some rentals are forbidding it altogether in rental units, even though it will be legal!  I’m glad it will finally be legal, but is this really freedom?

Another beef of mine is with the MeToo movement and others like it. I think it’s going way too far. I support it in the theory woman who have been abused ( and I am one of them, I was molested by a relative from age 4-12) should be able to come forward and be supported(when I told my mother her response was a curt, Why didn’t you stop him?……really? I WAS 4 YEARS OLD!!!! what did you expect me to DO?) and have justice and for it to stop, but what I don’t agree with is how now so many guys are being accused of sexual assault and either everyone’s a pervert, they’re all coming out of the woodwork now and it’s all just being exposed now, or some of it is just lies made up to ruin a person’s reputation, destroy their career and life; how it’s so easy now for a woman to bring down and ruin a man with a mere accusation of sexual assault, and woman are so overly-sensitive to it nowadays a man can’t even flirt or compliment a woman anymore without fear of being accused of sexual harrassment. Like ALL  Political Correctness it has just gone too far. Now they even dig far into a guy’s past to bring up dirt on him now trying to discredit him , even though he might have changed since then and not even be the same person,assuming the accusation is even true, and it’s so ridiculous that pretty soon they’ll even be saying something like, He kissed a classmate in Kindergarten in the schoolyard! That’s sexual assault!

As well, I got a letter in the mail saying I’m due for a Pap Smear again( to check for cervical cancer). I can’t believe it’s been 3 years already!At least between that and the pelvic ultrasound if I do have either uterine, ovarian, or cervical cancer(which would explain my symptoms…..) it should show up…. Time flies by so fast when you’re an adult,too,and the older you get the faster time goes by; a year just whizzes right by and feels like a month but I remember when I was a kid how slowly time seemed to move and a week seemed to take forever and the summer seemed to last forever (and it was wonderful) but I think it’s just that your perception has changed; as a kid you’re not preoccupied with time, schedule, deadlines, commitments, worries, stress, etc. like you are as an adult, and so you’re not as busy and your mind isn’t as addled with the worries and stresses of life so you can just peacefully and quietly sail thru life at a more leisurely pace.

The 15 and 17 YR olds are also even more mouthy, talking-back, nasty, and disrespectful than they usually are to me and so I figure it’s either:

1.They’re on Aunt Flow and extra bitchy.

2.They’re bored and have nothing to do so they decided to f*ck with me.

3.They’re just pissed-off about something and it’s displaced anger; they just decided to take it out on me.

4. I did or said something they don’t like and they’re teenagers so that’s pretty much all the time.

My guess? Maybe they’re mad they got banned from the Dollar Store  being accused of shoplifting, or maybe someone finally called them out for their constantly causing drama, starting rumours, gossiping, talking behind people’s backs,talking “smack” about people, etc. and generally causing trouble with their big mouths, like teenage girls always do, yet at the same time it’s an unacceptable behaviour and people get hurt, and it causes anger, division, conflict, misunderstanding, and unnecessary strife and it needs to be confronted, addressed, discussed, and stopped. I think whatever the reason, they just took it out on me(they even hid my iPod and made me think it was lost).

Teenagers. Now I can see why some animals eat their young. I wonder if I can put them up on e-Bay?

I seem to be the “punching bag”  in this family when people get mad I’m the one that always gets the brunt of their anger, sort of like when a guy has a bad day at the office he comes home and yells at his wife and kids and kicks the dog. I’m the dog that always gets kicked. I also had another bad panic attack last night again too that Buddy has cancer and he’s dying. I was hysterical and sobbing and inconsolable. I wonder though as well if at least part of the emotional breakdown has to do with my bipolar perhaps or maybe even the hormonal changes of menopause, or, perhaps the manic phase of my bipolar is now coming to an end and the depressive phase is coming crashing in on me?

 

Two Words.

Screenshot_18 I overheard the kids playing this game where they had to try and describe each family member using only 2 words and then they had to try and guess who it was. The 2 words they used to describe me were weed and sleeping. (I would have said hippos and sunflowers but whatever) and for my mother they said angry and old lady. I figure I got off pretty easy though; I was practically cringing and on edge waiting, wondering what horrible description they would probably come up with for me but it wasn’t so bad. My mother also told me once marijuana becomes legal for everyone in October that it’s probably not a good idea for me to try and grow my own since I can’t even grow sunflowers and that comment and realization made me feel like such a failure. I wonder, is there anything I can do right?

As well, my hubby is so set on moving and so convinced we will and every time I tell him it’s not likely as we can’t afford it and my mother said we’re only going to sell if we can get more selling this house than we pay for the next one, as well as to cover moving costs which doesn’t seem too likely and he replies that the story keeps on changing depending who he talks to; that she tells me one story and tells him another, so I talked to her and to him explaining the situation, trying to get it all straight and she told me and then later repeated to him(in front of me) so it’s all clear and he can understand that no, we can’t afford it, and no, she’s not taking out any more loans, and yes, she is still in debt, and is still paying off a loan she pays 200$ a month to, and we did used to have $$$$$ before but we don’t now and we’re only going to sell this house and move if we can downsize and save $$$$$ NOT if it’s going to cost more $$$$$, esp. $$$$ that we don’t have. For some reason he seems to have a problem understanding this. He either doesn’t seem to realize, or refuses to accept(and is in denial) how bad our financial situation really is.

We also had a good storm during the night that woke me up at 2:30 with the loud thunder and lightening.Now I know why I had that massive headache. Poor Buddy was freaking out and he was trembling and shaking and whining, the poor dog. I like a good thunderstorm at night when I’m in bed though, all curled up under the covers.

Legalize it!

LegalizeWeed It’s official! The gov’t announced it: recreational weed will be legalized on 17 October! (It’s already legal for medical purposes, such as what I have and use it for). The date is significant too, at least for us, as it’s the day right in-between 2 of the kids’ birthdays; the oldest’s and the fifth child’s! Wasn’t that just so thoughtful and considerate of them to do it on that day? It was originally supposed to be on 1 July but you know everything with the gov’t always takes longer. Peter Tosh would be so pleased: it’ll be legalized! I can just imagine on 17 October this huge haze of smoke wafting over the entire country in unison!  😀

Screenshot_809 They said on the news as well this country will only be the second country in the world to legalize it(after the Netherlands) along with several U.S states. Usually we’re one of the last to do or get anything and always lag behind other countries in progress and availability of goods and services so it’s a surprise that this time we’re actually one of the first. Soon you will be able to go to dispensaries anywhere and buy it(and in Newfoundland they will even be selling it in the grocery store, so you can pick it up at the same time along with your bread and milk), although they will still be controlled and regulated by the gov’t(and only by certain approved gov’t issued growers and suppliers) because Big Brother always has to interfere with, oversee and control everything in our lives, Nanny State that it is. Free the ganja!

As well, yesterday my hubby had to go to Toronto for work( he’s already started his new job!) and he was gone all day and I never even saw him all day and it was a nice break for me and much less stress with him not here, other than the 11 YR old who had this major blind rage screaming and melting down(even threatening to kill everyone!) being told he had to help the other kids clean(since it is their mess , all their toys and crap all over the place) in preparation for moving(he’s been so pampered and spoiled by my mother he doesn’t think he should have to do any work) and the other kids call it his Autistic  Freak-outs, and one thing I actually will miss about the country(even though I’m glad to be moving back to a city again) when we move is the nice country smell in the summer; the smell of wildflowers, clover, and milkweed. It always reminds me of the cottage when I was a kid and brings back happy childhood memories.

I also think the neighbours next door must have a kennel, or more likely, a puppy mill, knowing them, as every time anyone goes near their driveway area you can hear all kinds of dogs barking like crazy and it sounds like there’s so many, like at least a couple of dozen of them and they sound like they’re all different sized dogs,too, common in a puppy mill,various breeds, and equally suspicious is even though I often hear all the barking(and the 23 YR old said he’s heard it as well so I know I’m not hallucinating or imagining it) I’ve never actually seen any of the dogs, never seen any of them running out in the yard or being taken out for a walk; it’s like they’re all being hidden away inside…. I wonder…

SayWhat It’s one of those things that makes you go……hmmmmmm….

 

420.

420 HAPPY 420! Today is the day to celebrate one of God’s greatest gifts, creations, and blessings: weed! It’s my fave. herb and plant. I didn’t discover it until I was 48; let’s just say I was a late bloomer. I had always thought it was for bad people, but then when it was suggested to me it will alleviate my killer migraines I decided to try it as I was desperate and nothing else worked; even my migraine medication was no longer preventing them anymore….and it worked wonders. In the past 3 years I’ve only had like 2 or 3 of them, when it used to be pretty much a daily occurrance and the longest one I’ve had was 33 days straight. It was brutal and in the process I also found that weed helps other pain as well, and also helps with my depression, and lifts my spirits, opens my mind, allows me to go deep into my spiritual self and access a part of my inner consciousness I normally don’t have access to.

So today I will celebrate accordingly. I will light one up, sitting out on the porch in the backyard, enjoying a Big Fatty. I have a bit of dried weed left I’ve saved up to roll into a glorious joint just for today(and I still have the cannabis oil) and I will get lit and spark up along with millions of others, celebrating the love of ganja.

As well, the 16 YR old was able to find out the puppies have arrived: 3 girls and 1 boy but one of the girls was stillborn. Buddy’s officially a dad! Patti still never  posted any photos of them though, so do they really even exist, or what? Something about this whole thing just seems “off”…. I want to see what they look like though ( and “pirate” a picture for this blog) so hopefully she’ll have photos up soon….

My Smart Idea.

Reactine I am now in the worst stage of my cold, you know, the part where your nose runs like a faucet and you have to sleep with a wad of toilet paper shoved up your nostrils. I have been taking Dayquil every 4 hours for relief of the congestion and runny nose even though my mother and Patti brag, as if they are somehow superior to me for not having to medicate for their colds, that they don’t take anything for their colds, they just suffer thru it, but I have small sinuses and narrow nasal passages so I get really stuffed up and can’t breathe, so I have to take something to relieve it, but it only works for 2 hours or so…..so, I had the bright idea Why not try Reactine instead, like I do for my allergies? esp. since it lasts for 24 HRS so you only have to take 1 pill once a day, and it relieves the same symptoms as a cold: sneezing, runny nose, stuffiness…. so I did, and it works wonders and lasts longer! My nose is so clear now I can actually breathe!  It’s like some miracle and from now on I know what I’m going to be taking every time I have a cold! No more cold meds, just Reactine! Weird too, I can’t even find any Contac C in any of the stores anywhere around here anymore, so has it been banned in this country for some reason or are they out of business now, or something?

My friend in France also posted a cute hippo video on my Facebook wall only he spelled it as hyppo which I thought was really cute, and tomorrow my cousins leave on a 2 month cruise to Australia the lucky buggers, and my hubby thinks in just 2 weeks he may not have a job; they’re calling everyone in for a “Big Interview” and there’s talk about relocating it all to India and everyone will be out of a job….oh, shit, if he is let go what do we do about $$$$? How do we pay the bills, which we already struggle to pay, plus my medications are covered under his employer drug plan, and we don’t have the $$$$ to pay, and all the meds I take it would cost hundreds a month and I need my meds…..oh, my God, what are we going to do?(the kids can kiss all their lessons and activities goodbye now,too) The company isn’t having anyone work remotely( from home) anymore now either like he does; he said we’d have to move closer to Toronto so he can commute if he can even be relocated elsewhere in the same company somewhere but there’s NO WAY we can even afford anything near there where the minimum cost of homes start around 500K, and that’s in the towns outside of the GTA…. I know God has always provided our needs and taken care of us before and I have no doubt He will again now but this really scares me…..

I also wonder as well when I woke up this morning if I might have been unconscious and woken up out of unconsciousness as I suddenly just woke up startled and disoriented and I had come out of a deeper place, not like a normal sleep; it felt like I had been in “deeper” and I felt like I had the best sleep ever,too, like how when you wake up out of an anesthetic,and I kept waking up during the night like I usually do, every hour or so and I remember the last time when I looked at the clock and could feel myself drifting off I could see and feel the familiar sensations of going into another dimension and saying to myself, I’m going in…. I got my weed in the mail as well; I order it online from the licensed medical producer and it’s delivered in the mail and I have to sign for it, and when I opened the door the mail lady said, This must be for you…. so I guess she somehow knew what it was, even though it comes in discreet plain packaging(like porn) and has no distinguishing labelling or return address, and I must have looked spacey,out of it,sickly, dishevelled, or something, like a pothead( ha ha) or maybe because I’m bald and she thought I have cancer or something?  😀