Screen Shot 11-06-17 at 08.14 AM My hubby got quite  a surprise when we went to pour himself a bowl of cereal: there was a live mouse in the cereal box, as you can see here if you look closely. I know it’s hard to see in the photo but you’re looking down, into the cereal box from the top, and the mouse is the dark thing in the top upper left corner.You can see his pointy nose and head sticking out. He announced his find to me like this: We have to get mouse traps again! and when I asked How do you know? he showed me! When it gets cold for the winter the field mice start to come indoors to keep warm and we get them in our kitchen cupboards and find them, or evidence of them( such as chew marks or their little shitties) usually nibbling on our cereal boxes or Pop Tarts in our house every winter. In the summer it’s ants. The pests tend to be seasonal but the kids are all-year long.

The 14 YR old also said that she has a baby bat in her room, and when my mother and I were watching the news and when the redneck sports came on and she groaned, Oh, not this again! and told me to Just turn it off and put the time back on! and the 14 YR old heard and said, But I thought you (said) you liked sports? but in actual reality she doesn’t any more than I do; we both think it’s a meaningless waste of time and low-class and we mute it when it comes on the news; she just tells my hubby what he wants to hear when he said she doesn’t mind it and she didn’t deny it even though she actually hates it and the 2 of them always stick together and back eachother up,no matter what, like a couple of villians always scheming, plotting and teaming up together all the time.

Funny as well: the eating disorders clinic tells us how we have to increase fats in the 14 YR old’s diet such as by adding butter and sour cream even if I have to sneak it in and hide it in food,making her paranoid now and she hates, so when she went to eat out at a restaurant and a waitress asked (I presume for the potato) if they wanted butter or sour cream with that she was horrified and she goes, What, are they trying to force it onto everyone now? and she said the story of my little toy zebra makes her cry as well which I found touching and reveals her tender side; it’s about how when I was in Kindergarden I lost my little toy zebra in the snow one day walking to school and every day I would keep looking for it on the way to school, hoping I would find it and even once spring came, after the snow had melted I still kept looking, hoping that one day I would still find it but I never did. I still remember it though. It’s weird some things you never forget.

Our scale is broken so there’s no way to know for sure but by the way I look and feel now I would guess I have gained back 10 pounds probably of the over-50 pounds I’d lost over the past few months without trying either way. The only difference was having the colon polyp removed. I just hope that the rest of the weight doesn’t also come back though as it’s nice being, well, I wouldn’t say thin again, but not fat anymore,either, and I’d like to stay this way, yet at the same time once I gained back a bit of the weight I could actually feel different, it felt more like me, like my I had almost lost my cover, my shell, my protective layer, my insulation, and once a bit of it came back I felt like I was back in my own “skin” again so to speak. I looked and felt more like myself.



Cancer, Or Kidney Stones?

Screen Shot 09-08-17 at 02.36 PM So, based on my symptoms and the location it’s narrowed down to most likely either bladder cancer or kidney stones that’s most likely causing my symptoms, and I did research and both of them have pretty much identical symptoms, incl. blood in the urine, pain in the abdomen, lower back ,and flank, urinary frequency and urgency, and foul-smelling urine, so it could be either one, except it’s the drastic unintentional 50 pound weight loss that has me stumped, as kidney stones wouldn’t have the extreme weight loss, but the cancer would so it’s that one factor that’s causing me to lean more towards the cancer being more likely, although either one is possible,or maybe even cancer somewhere else, or something else entirely, but the upcoming CT scan will tell us for sure where and what the problem is. I feel like a detective trying to solve a bunch of clues! I’ll just be glad to finally have some answers and get it looked after to end the pain! If it is cancer though I’ll have surgery to remove it but not chemo as I know what it does to you and how sick it makes you and I’d rather not be sick, and just enjoy what time I do have left.

The pain is getting worse now as well and is now up to a level 7 out of 10 on the pain scale whereas before it was between a 6 and a 6 1/2, yet even so it still took my hubby 2 days to finally pick up my pain pills at the pharmacy, and if it turns out to actually be bladder cancer it’s likely in an advanced stage as that’s when it’s usually diagnosed as the symptoms are so vague and are so similar to other things that it’s not usually found until it’s progressed and advanced and spread to other organs, such as the lungs, liver, bones, etc. and that might also explain my persistant cough I’ve had for the past few months,too, if it’s spread to my lungs… it wouldn’t be too surprising to learn I have cancer though as it would explain why I’m so run-down tired and drained all the time,and people get cancer all the time, it’s not that uncommon or unusual, so why not me? My hubby and mother think it’s just stress why I’ve lost so much weight….but 50 pounds?…isn’t that a bit extreme? I’m also leaning more towards the bladder rather than the kidneys because as well as the pain I also often feel twinges and spasms in the bladder area…

Screen Shot 09-08-17 at 07.46 PM

I also went to the hospital and picked up my contrast dye that I have to drink down 2 HRS before my CT scan next week and it’s almost 500 ml! The thing is huge and to make it even worse is it’s disgusting berry flavour and I absolutely hate berries! I’ll probably end up barfing it all up, and I can’t eat or drink anything past Midnight either, just like before surgery, so that revolting crap will be the only thing I can have when I get up! Why can’t they at least make it a good flavour, like chocolate or orange, or something? Uggghhhhh!!!  Buddy seems extra worried about me lately as well and all day yesterday and today, for example, he was snuggling with me all day, always being close-by, even more than normal, like he senses something’s wrong, so maybe I really am dying soon?

My hubby also walked in while I was having a bath, and his idea of a “compliment” was this: Where did the 50 pounds go? and I took it to mean that he couldn’t tell, that I still look fat, and then he explained, Your thighs used to touch the sides of the tub and they don’t anymore…. and I was like, WHAT did you just say? You’d better stop talking now…. he really sucks at trying to give compliments….WTF? My thighs used to touch the side of the tub? OMG, seriously? I was mortified. Just don’t say anything else…

Fiona Update.

Screen Shot 07-28-17 at 12.26 PM Remember Fiona the baby hippo born premature at the Cincinatti Zoo(I don’t know if I spelled that right; I’m never sure how to spell Cincinatti; that’s a hard one; how many “n’s” or “t’s” are in that exactly?) back in January at only 29 pounds, when she should have been around 100 pounds and they didn’t know if she would even live? Well, here we are now, 6 months later, and I’m happy to update you that Fiona is doing very well! She has gained so much weight that she is now over 400 pounds, healthy, strong, caught up weight-wise,and is going to make it! Yay, Fiona! You go, girl!! Isn’t she such a beauty though? Just so precious. I have been following her story ever since, following her on Facebook and even praying for her…..yes, I even pray for animals,too…..anyone got a problem with that? God loves all His creatures, and it says in the Bible that not even one sparrow falls to the ground without His knowing.

Fiona is still mainly being bottle fed milk(and she goes thru something crazy like 40 litres a day!) at this stage as hippos aren’t normally weaned until 8 months although she does have some fruits and veggies slowly being introduced into her diet, like how you would with a human baby. She has also been reintroduced under supervision to her biological hippo parents ( she had been hand-raised by zoo caregivers since her premature birth as she needed intensive round-the-clock, one-on-one care,and there was also the fear that her own mother might have rejected her for being a “runt”) and they have integrated well and swim around and frolic together in the community pool, with her mother Bibi acting protectively towards her which is also a good sign. I just love a good story with a happy ending.

So Fiona gained close to 400 pounds over 6 months and I checked my weight and I’ve lost 7 more pounds, now for a total of 49 pounds over 5 months, from the end of February to the end of July, and the best thing is I’m not even trying to lose weight; I’m not even dieting! I couldn’t lose this much weight even if I tried, even on diets I’ve never been able to lose this much, so I don’t question why……I just enjoy it! I call it my Stress Diet. All my “jiggly” parts are either shrunken down much smaller now or have disappeared, incl. flatter stomach, hardly any “bingo wings”,no double-chin, less flabby bits, rolls, “love handles”, “saddle bags”, etc… but the sad thing is though that I’ve also lost my big buffalo butt and I sort of liked my big ass and now it’s sort of flat and looks like it deflated…. maybe that’s why it also hurts alot more now whenever I sit for too long; I haven’t got all the padding there I used to!

I also discovered that looking at sunflowers is even more fascinating after you’ve had weed, and it was really hot( 34 C humidex) but after I’ve had weed for some reason I don’t “feel” the heat as much and am not as “sensitive” to it, so maybe my body temperature cools down or something, making me more “heat resistant”, but it’s the strangest thing, and then after a few hours once it wore off I was back to hot and sweaty again! I guess that’s why it’s so popular in Jamaica and other hot tropical places,too, so you’re not bothered as much by the heat! 🙂

I also got an e-mail from the medical marijuana supplier informing me of a new product and it sounds awesome: cannabis oil chewy gummies! You know, like those vitamins! The form I take it now is an oil taken with a dropper but this sounds like so much fun, like candy for potheads! My mother said kids would think it’s gummie bears and eat them but I’m sure that they have the child-proof lids on the bottle just like my cannabis oil does…duuuhhh….I think that would go without saying since it’s a drug and would be safe-guarded like any other medication…I also think the 14 YR old’s anti-depressant might be starting to work already (they said it takes 2 weeks but I noticed mine starting in just a few days, and my theory is the more severe the depression the sooner you notice the change) and I can just sense something different in her. She seems to have this light, this spark, that wasn’t there before. I mean it used to be there when she was her old self, before the depression and eating disorder took hold of her, but I haven’t seen it in the past 2-3 years…..I think the darkness just might be starting to clear…..oh, I sure hope so….

Pussy Willows.

Screen Shot 04-09-17 at 08.07 PM I saw buds on a tree and it reminded me of pussy willows. I have always loved pussy willows, ever since I was a kid. I can remember always having them around the house when I was growing up, in a vase, and I remember carrying a bundle of them home from the florist or the grocer, or wherever we got them from, and how they were always a big part of my childhood and I have such fond memories of them and even now when I see them I think of happy childhood memories and it makes me nostalgic. Spring is the time for pussy willows and I’m hoping if I have the chance somehow that I can find some somewhere and put them in a vase in the house , perhaps on the piano or the dining room table, or maybe on the coffee table in the living room or even in my room….they bring me back to my childhood, to happier times…

As well, it was a glorious 20 C yesterday and I spent 6 HRS outside and I laid out in the sun to start on my tan and now my face is really red, I look like a lobster it’s so sunburned, and I also dyed my buzz-cut a platinum blonde, punk-rock style, like Billy Idol! I love it, but no one even noticed, or at least they never said anything, but at least they didn’t say anything insulting or mean either though,and I’d rather they say nothing at all than to be mean like they usually are. I also lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks and without even trying, and it averages out to 5 pounds a week, and even losing 30 pounds I’m still fat just not as fat, and I wonder if maybe I might even have some sort of cancer or something to explain this unexplained weight loss, but whatever it is I needed it and I’m grateful for it!

I also had to fill out 3 medical forms online that were e-mailed to me to re-new my medical marijuana license only I had no idea how to do it on the computer(I’m old-school; I fill out forms and mail them back), esp. as they also required my signature and my hubby was always too busy to help me and the kids refused to help me and just taunted and ridiculed me and jeered, Is it for your drugs? We don’t condone drug use! and figure it out yourself! etc. being little assholes not helping me and several days went by and I have to get them filled in and sent off and then finally my hubby was able to help me; there’s no way I could have ever figured all that out on my own, it was so complicated and I’m no good at all that technical stuff, and I struggle with everything,and basically life is hard when you’re stupid.

Every time I look at Buddy I am overcome with love and gratitude as well and I can’t believe I’m so lucky to have him and he’s like an angel sent from Heaven, and when God sent him to me He sent me my best friend, someone to love me and for me to love, and brought joy, happiness,and light in my life,and nothing and no one makes me as happy as he does. #ILoveMyDog

First Place!

Screen Shot 04-02-17 at 02.07 PM 001 The 15 YR old’s cheerleading squad(seen here) came in first place in their division at the Nationals competition over the weekend! There were easily at least 50 squads competing,too, and now the next competition is also near Toronto again and it’s in May, the last one of the season. This one they came from all over the province, so I assume the next one is from all over the country, and the entire team all got hoodies for the event and the 15 YR old is one of the “flyers”, that is, one of the ones on top, that they lift up high on top of the pyramid, because she’s so light and tiny and just the right size!

As well, my hubby is doubting and  downplaying my 20 pound weight loss, saying I must have weighed myself on an uneven surface, saying if anyone weighed themselves putting the scale on the carpet it would appear as if they lost weight, but I know that I did because I can see it and feel it, and he’s always tearing me down and trying to take away my joy; it’s what he does, and whenever I try to do something to make me feel better about myself he always has to try and ruin it, but I won’t give him that power, he’s not going to bring me down, and my friend B said he reminds her of her abusive ex-husband who discouraged her from losing weight or trying to be attractive and didn’t let her wear make-up and my hubby doesn’t like it when I wear make-up,either, even though I only do once a week when I go to church and am all dressed up. I don’t have much that makes me feel good about myself and when I do he’s so determined to take it away  from me but I won’t let him.

I also told my hubby I have to get my nails re-done before they grow out completely as it’s been 5 weeks and he just rolled his eyes and said I don’t need to, and snarked it’s First World problems and dismissed it as not important as just something for me so it doesn’t matter but even something small and insignificant like having my nails done does wonders for me and makes me feel good about myself (I can never be pretty but I can at least have nice nails) and when I have NO self-esteem I need all I can get to try and feel pretty and he shouldn’t just dismiss it like that. I really regret settling for him and short-changing myself, and I know that there’s a lid for every pot(that there’s someone out there for everyone) but I really do wonder if my lid somehow got lost or thrown out…

I also brought the garden gnomes out of winter hibernation, and it was so warm out yesterday ( 14 C!) Buddy and I were outside in the backyard, and the reader in church yesterday had this amazing Irish accent and I could just listen to him talk all day, and the 15 YR old(who is a fashion diva) loves everything Chanel,too, so when I put on my Chanel # 5 perfume I asked her if she wanted any and she said no, but at least I tried; I can’t make them respond or force them to like me or bond; all I can do is make the effort and try, even though it pretty well almost always goes  unrequitted,and I convinced my hubby to at least take me to a nail salon here in town if he won’t wait for me to get it done when we’re in Kingston after the app’t, and he said he had time yesterday… we went and checked out both of them…..just my luck….they were both closed Sunday. Of course. It’s always such a big hassle for him to find the time to take me out anywhere too even though I hardly even go out anywhere(pretty much just church once a week and some medical appt’s), yet he has no problem taking my mother around everywhere, so it’s not that he doesn’t have the time; he doesn’t have the time for me.

20 Pounds.

Screen Shot 04-01-17 at 09.56 AM I’ve noticed when I get out of the bath that I look and feel thinner, like there’s less of me, less flab, less jiggles and rolls, flatter stomach,smaller boobs, narrower hips…..just less so I suspected I might have lost some weight so I weighed myself on the scale, something I haven’t done in awhile as with the 13 YR old and her eating disorder we were told to hide the scale where she won’t have easy access to it as she was obsessively checking her weight several times a week. I did and I was surprised and shocked ( but happy!) to see  I’ve lost 20 pounds!  I needed to lose weight and can certainly use it but I was surprised as I haven’t even been dieting! I am now a skinny hippo!

I figure it must be my stress diet  as I’ve been under so much emotional stress, anxiety, and worry lately about the 13 YR old that I haven’t got much appetite lately and it’s been hard for me to eat and I have to force myself to eat and often find I skip meals and only end up with 2 meals a day, but also a combination as with my diuretic I would have lost about 5 pounds, plus about a month or so ago I stopped one of my anti-depressents as it had caused me to gain so much weight, like over 35 pounds, (don’t worry, I’m still taking  the other one) so maybe now I’m off it the weight is coming back off? It might also explain why I’ve been feeling so yucky lately; rapid weight loss, and I find it kind of ironic as well:I’m helping the 13 YR old recover from her eating disorder ( which also gives me purpose and my life meaning, helping her, and shows that she does still need me,too) and now I’m  the one losing weight!

I notice as well the 13 YR old eats much better when her sisters sit down and eat with her instead of with just my hubby or I (or, as the kids call us, The Oldies)  as she has a special bond with them and they’ve always been close and I got insight  what may have been the “trigger” for her eating disorder and self-harm starting 2 YRS ago: when the 20 YR old left for university! She was really close to that sister,too, and maybe when she moved out she took it really hard,and maybe she’s feeling  abandoned with her gone and in the fall the 17 YR old will also be off to university and in a couple more YRS so will the soon-to-be 16 YR old…..and then all her sisters will be gone and she’ll be stuck here all alone with just The Oldies and her little brother. Maybe she just feels all alone with everyone growing up and moving out and leaving her behind? Maybe she’s only always identified herself as part of a sibling group and  feels vulnerable on her own without her own identity and separate life? Just a thought….

The 13 YR old was also playing her new Zelda game as well and her character kept getting killed by an enemy that appears to be unbeatable and I told her everyone has a weakness, even the strongest enemy, you just have to find it and hit it. My biggest weakness is my kids, if they’re threatened, in danger, or of anything happened to them, yet when my family is endangered it also empowers me,too, as the fierce protective mother bear comes out, who will stop at nothing to protect her kids so my weakness actually makes me stronger. I also had my weed on pizza day and it worked out really well since weed enhances flavour and taste so pizza tasted even better than it normally does, and it made it into a whole new experience, and the 10 YR old loves pizza enough as it is; he was honestly even making moaning sex noises of pleasure eating his! It sounded pornographic!

Less Of Me.

Scale I weighed myself and I lost more weight again and I’ve lost 27 pounds in the past 6 months without even dieting, without even trying! I have no idea why but I’m grateful for it whatever the reason; I’m always glad to lose weight regardless! I’ve lost a bit due to walking Buddy 4-5 times a day over the past few weeks but not 27 pounds and I thought it may have been due to my meds except I’ve been on them for over 2 YRS now and I’ve only been losing the weight for the past 6 months. Maybe I have some still yet undiagnosed disease like cancer or diabetes or something? All my skirts and pants are so loose now they keep falling down but I even tell by looking that I’m much thinner so I’m less of a fat hippo now than I was before and to be able to lose weight without having to starve myself is great, esp. since now I’m in my 40’s and dieting no longer works for me anyway!

As well, we had snow flurries! I was out walking Buddy and it felt heavier than rain and then when I noticed it hitting his back it was white! I was also wearing my Rasta hoodie and hat I got in the Caribbean and a guy walking by said to me, “I like your colours!” and I hit the back of my head hard on the corner of a wall and am so tired yet I have no way of telling if it’s because of that ( and I have a head injury) or if it’s just me still fighting off my infection,  and so far I haven’t heard anything from Buddy’s owner about taking him back yet and I visited Patti and I let her know that we’d  “love to keep him forever if we could” just so she knows we’re not in any hurry to return him and maybe she’ll let her son know he’s happy here and will advocate for us and let him know and we can end up keeping him for good and I just love him with my whole heart! I ‘ve never been this happy in so long!

The 7 YR old also told the 11 YR old, “Face the wrath of my butt!” and he was being a brat so I told him off and then my mother gathered him up in her arms coddling him and said to him( about me), “Just ignore HER!” as always undermining my discipline with the kids and interfering, over-stepping boundaries with my kids and not minding her own business, and she got mad when I deleted a recorded TV show as it was a Hallowe’en (Satan’s Day) episode as I don’t  allow anything occult in this house and she shrieked I can’t control what other people do, etc. and I told her that I’m the only one that cares about the spiritual welfare of this family and I’m going to protect and defend it and I’m not letting the demons in an inch, a crack, or letting the door open for them to enter, and nothing occult is allowed in our home no matter what.  The 13 YR old can cook as well but the 15 YR old still  has no clue, and 4 of the kids had to sell poppies with Cadets but I refuse to wear one as it supports the military and war which I don’t. I only support peace.