First Snowfall.

Screenshot_867 We got our first snowfall! We got a dusting as you can see here and it was really coming down heavy,too, big fluffy flakes, not just light flurries, and it was a heavy packing snow, but in October? Buddy wasn’t too happy to see it,either, and when he stepped out in it for a walk he recoiled in horror, lifted up a paw and looked up at me with a stunned look as if he was thinking, What the f*ck, man? What is this? Where the hell did this come from? and he didn’t even want to go for a full walk; he just quickly did his thing and then turned around and pulled me to go back inside! The snow actually even stayed on the ground overnight into the morning but then it got milder and rained and washed it all away.

Good.

I also did Confession yesterday in church, asking forgiveness for the sins I’ve been accused of committing years ago even though I don’t remember ever actually doing any of it, and even question whether or not it even ever actually occurred, but if it did I feel really guilty, horrible, and badly, and need forgiveness, from God, from the accuser, and from myself, and the priest said that it’s only a sin and in need of forgiveness if I did it on purpose and was aware of it and did it willfully;  that you have to have intent in order for it to actually be a sin you need to be forgiven for, and if I didn’t even know, didn’t realize, and thought I did my best no sin was committed, and with my Asperger’s and bipolar it’s also not my fault; that I can’t help being what I am and it’s not fair for others(such as my family does) to hate me and blame me for things I can’t control, and like in the justic system with someone who committed a crime while insane God doesn’t hold you accountable unless you knew what you were doing and you were fully aware it was a sin but you did it anyway so that makes me feel better and I know God loves me and can see my heart and knows my intentions and that despite my repeated failures I  try, and I do the best with what I have and I do mean well; they just somehow always seem to come out wrong, get taken the wrong way,misunderstood,twisted around,  offend, annoy, push people away, appear rude or inconsiderate, etc. but that’s never my intention.

My hubby and the 17 YR old played a prank on me as well: the kids were late coming home from church in the morning yesterday( they don’t like going with me; I go in the evening, so they go in the morning) and I was getting worried so I called my hubby to see if he picked them up; if they were with him, and the 17 YR old answered the phone and had somehow altered her voice so it sounded like someone else and she said she just found the phone on the street; it was lost and she picked it up and asked who I was and don’t I want my phone back, asking for info,etc… but I suspected all along it was them and they were tricking me like they always do, and then she says do I want the phone or does she drop it off at the police so I just said to drop it off at the police and then I hung up. I thought that was that….

until….

They come home together awhile later and my hubby bursts thru the door looking somewhat panic-stricken and asks about his “missing phone” and I’m horrified and tell him what happened and I thought they were just pranking me but to call the number someone has it; they found it, so he “calls” and pretends to be talking to someone on the other end….and I’m freaking out thinking it’s actually real, all the while trying to explain to him why I didn’t believe it and hung up, thinking they were pranking me like they always do I didn’t believe it was real, that he actually did lose his phone so I guess this time the prank’s on him….. and then they all start laughing and he says the prank’s on me because it all was just a joke and he pulls out his phone to show me!  I seriously don’t know why they delight in always messing with me like that, and then they wonder why I’m crazy and losing my mind.

Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?

Tuesday.

Screen Shot 01-16-18 at 06.01 PM Yesterday the 14 YR old had her now monthly visit at the clinic. It went well and they said she’s in remission(from the eating disorder) and now 98% to her ideal weight! Isn’t that amazing? She’s doing so well!! She’s been in treatment for 10 months now, since last March. They also are starting to wean her off one of the medications and she had blood work done (which she didn’t like at all, she’s like my hubby that way) and an EEG to make sure there are no side-effects from the meds. We go back next month and they said we’ve basically graduated but they want to wait awhile before discharging her completely to see how she responds going off the meds plus we’re waiting to get a family doctor she can be followed up by and who can also prescribe meds as needed. I applied awhile ago but it takes months, sometimes even longer, I remember when I applied for mine it took around a year before I finally got my referral!

I was surprised that we even made the appointment on time,actually, and in fact, we just made it, as due to the snow there were 2 accidents on the highway and so we had to get off the highway twice and take the long and winding road, which made our trip even longer and slowed us down. Once we got back onto the highway for about 25 minutes or so it was eerie and weird too as we were the only car on the road and I really wondered if maybe we weren’t supposed to be there, like if the police had it shut down and evacuated for some safety issue only we didn’t get the message and there we were….rolling along, totally oblivious…but then later on more cars showed up and I felt better but it was just so weird being the only car on the highway.

I also finally did a shit on Tuesday as well after being horribly constipated and not going for 3 days, and before that I was shitting out hard little marbles, pellets, and my abdomenal pain was just getting so bad but I gritted my teeth and pushed thru the pain at the clinic and we finally did make it ok and once we got back I took 2 stool softeners and I finally did a shit….hallelujah….and it was glorious!

Bundled Up.

Screen Shot 01-08-18 at 02.08 PM Here I am, all bundled up for winter. I look like I’m going out on an Arctic expedition. Thankfully the frigid Arctic cold spell we’ve been having for the past couple of weeks has passed and this week it’s actually going to be mild, even above 0 C, like today, for example, it got to  a balmy 2 C and on Thursday they say it’s even going up to 9 C and rain! (hey, I can get out my shorts and flip-flops!) We also got a shit-load of snow yesterday but it was also the nice fluffy kind, with the big fat flakes that turned into packing snow once it hit the ground, but it was a bugger to shovel, and as I shovelled out Buddy a pathway in the backyard to go pee (it was finally mild enough to take him out for a walk once again except they hadn’t plowed the sidewalk and there was nowhere to walk) I thought I was going to have a heart-attack, but at least the snow is pretty and I’d still much rather have the snow and have it warmer than freeze in the cold temps. Of course what I really want is to be on a beach in the Caribbean… sure beats the – 40 C temps we’ve been having…

Screen Shot 01-08-18 at 02.14 PM I also took this photo in the morning(before it melted) of the freshly fallen snow, revealing the beauty of winter. I posted it on my hubby’s brother’s Facebook as well joking Look what we got and you missed out on!  Do you regret not having this in Hawaii?  One of my happiest winter memories as a kid is going ice skating with my friend D and also tobogganning and I can still clearly picture myself playing out in my yard in Toronto in grade 6 wearing my navy blue parka with the fur hood,my white angora hat and mitts,  my then-fashionable Roadrunner jeans and tan Cougar boots and what a happy time in my life it was, and yet how blissfully unaware I was that in just a few more mere months, just after that summer, that my happy life would soon end and life as I knew it would be over and the best part of my life would end. I would go on to have some happy moments but The Old Me would cease to exist and my life would never be the same. I was months away from losing myself and I had no idea; no idea what was in store for me and my life ahead, how 12 years of happiness would abruptly end and be followed by trauma and crisis, heartache, misfortune and misery,abuse, rejection, bullying, victimization,and disappointment, one after the other, time and time again, until I just couldn’t take it anymore and I finally broke.

I also still have “Aunt Flow”, which I’ve had now for 11 days alternating some days a dark brown flow, other days a bright red, it’s so screwed up l have the abdomenal pain, I wonder if maybe I have endometriosis or something and need a D&C and need to just get it all scraped out inside but what I really want is a hysterectomy and just be done with this shit for good. I’m too old for this. I think I had another seizure in my sleep as well as I bit my tongue during my sleep and now the entire outside right side of it is swollen, hurts, is sore,and has teeth dents along it. I had a dream as well I was away and it was implied that I had either died and was revived or I had been in a coma for awhile and when I came back I found out my 5 month old grandson(I don’t even have any grandchildren yet) had died of SIDS; it was weird. The dentist also keeps calling me for an app’t for a check-up or cleaning or whatever but I haven’t got time for that now with all my other app’t’s with the cardiologist and also trying to figure out what’s causing my bleeding, abdomenal pain, seizures, etc..I have too many other things going on to worry about right now, my teeth aren’t a priority. They’re ugly and crooked anyway and I can’t ever afford to have them fixed.

F*ckin’ COLD!!

Screen Shot 12-14-17 at 07.47 AM It’s f*ckin’ COLD out! It’s so frigid cold you can’t feel your face or anything else! When Buddy went out for his morning walk he didn’t even want to go pee; he just stood there stubbornly in refusal, trembling and shaking, and he was limping along and then collapsed as his feet were just so frozen cold. He eventually did go pee and then I scooped him up under my arm and carried him back inside so he wouldn’t have to walk on the cold snow any longer. When he got inside he quickly burrowed deep under his warm “nest” of blankets and hibernated and I tossed my heated blanket on top of him as well to quickly defrost him and warm him up, my poor boy. I said it must easily have been the coldest day of the year so far and my hubby said no, January or February of this year must have been colder, but no, I even heard on the news it is the coldest day of the entire year so far, even colder than any day this past January or February, so I win. I wish I could hibernate until spring, on a beach in the Caribbean! I’m done with this cold winter shit already.

As well, when I was in the kitchen preparing a meal I all of a sudden felt faint, like I was going to pass out, only this time at least I had a “warning” like I usually get; I had that creepy weird restless feeling plus I started to see the flashing lights warning me I have mere seconds to quickly sit down before I pass out and go down hard, so I sat down for a few minutes until it passed and then resumed my activities but it just all of a sudden came out of nowhere suddenly without any warning leading up to it; I didn’t feel sick or dizzy or anything, and then it was fine although now the abdomenal pain is back again and my stomach feels uneasy. That’s one of my biggest concerns lately if I’m out someone alone, like, say, at church, or even worse; on the way walking to church or back by myself; what if I faint again and no one’s there to help me, or even worse; they rob me or something while I’m passed-out laying there on the ground, or even on the road and I get run over by a car? I was fortunate last time it happened in the kitchen and people were home but next time I might not be so lucky…

 

Winter Wonderland.

Screen Shot 12-12-17 at 06.30 PM It snowed last night! I could hardly wait to go out and walk in the snow but Buddy….not so much. When he went out for his early morning walk and saw it he just stood there, frozen and stiff, unmoving,immobile, refusing to budge, as if the poor dog was thinking What the f*ck just happened? This wasn’t here yesterday! What the hell? He hates snow and he didn’t even want to pee but pulled me right back inside so I ended up taking him out onto the road(in-between cars) to go pee quickly as it was the only spot that was plowed clear and him being a low-rider, the snow was deeper than he was tall! Then later on I shovelled him a little pathway he can use. At least now it puts me in the Christmas spirit though and looks like the Christmas season at long last finally.

When the 10 year old was asked what he wants for Christmas he also replied, Pizza from Pizza Hut, and put some $$$$ into the bank for my future. I swear, that kid’s even smarter than I thought! I always knew he was a genius, but what 10 year old thinks that far ahead and asks for something like that? My abdomenal pain’s really bad today as well and I kept getting woken up during the night with a bad cough,too, and next week my hubby and some of the kids are going away on a road trip for part of Christmas Break which also gives me a week of peace and quiet and a break as well.

Crappy New Year!

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I heard a song on the radio I could have sworn said have a crappy New Year! but then realized it must have been have a Happy New Year but it was so funny I re-named it and so now my greeting for 2018 will be, jokingly, Have a Crappy New Year! Knowing me and my life I probably will,too.

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The 16 YR old was also trying to wrap one of Buddy’s Christmas gifts ( a squeaky ball) right in front of him which I warned her ahead of time would be a bad idea as he’d sniff it out and sure enough he did and he went for it, snatching it out of her hands and when she tried to get it back he was having none of it and he growled over it protectively, knowing it was his and he wasn’t giving it back, no way, no how…touch it and die…

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One of my Jewish friends put up photos of his Christmas tree on Facebook as well and when I replied, What is that, a Hanukkah bush? he laughed and goes, Jews like trees too!

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I heard this car ad on TV and they said how it’s the perfect Christmas gift as it already comes assembled and I was thinking, What the f*ck,man? Imagine having to assemble a car? and I thought trying to assemble IKEA furniture was bad enough… and I’ll still never forget that time when I was about 20 when my mother and I spent an entire weekend trying to assemble a bookcase and it ended up upside-down and backwards.

HippoXMasTree We finally got the snow we never got last time so it’s finally starting to look like Christmas,we’re to get 10-20 cm,  and I heard on the radio that Wal-Mart sells “marijuana” Christmas trees; artificial trees that resemble the cannabis plant. That’s just so hilarious and so perfect for me. I’m going to have to check it out and see if they really do next time I’m in Wal-Mart. It will be the perfect decor for my room!

HippoXMas My mother saw her doctor as well and gave everyone in the office and at the lab baked goodies for the holidays because she’s always trying to buy people’s affection, to get them to like her, to gain favour, to be their fave. patient and such, and it was funny too how she’d labelled them so no one here at home would eat any, Do not eat! For lab Mon” and I thought she was doing the Jamaican thing, “for the lab, ‘Mon” but she meant “for the lab on Monday” but it cracked me up just the same. My hubby and I also pre-ordered tickets online for the new Star Wars  movie on Friday as we’ll be in Kingston anyway for my CT scan to see if I fractured my skull or have a slow brain bleed from when I fainted and fell and hit my head and I guess it’ll be our anniversary date which is the next day. I can’t believe it’s been 29 years. I’ve wasted more than half my life away.