Das Ist Sehr Kalt!

Screen Shot 11-10-17 at 08.34 AM OMG, it’s just so cold! This morning it was – 10 C with a wind-chill of – 19 C! The wind was sooo bad it was the kind that freezes your face off, reminding me of that song, I Can’t Feel My Face. Buddy would have none of it, when I took him out for his walk he quickly did what he had to do and then yanked on the lead pulling me quickly back inside into the house! I didn’t want to get out of my nice, warm, cozy bed. Winter hasn’t even started yet and already I’m dreading it and can’t wait for it to be over,and I fear it’s going to be a really bad one this year,too, with frigid cold temps and lots of snow as it was mild with not much snow last year and it always seem to alternate; a mild winter followed by a bad one and summers are the same way; a cooler summer followed by a hot one, and if we have a mild winter we have a not-too-hot summer, and if we have a bad winter we have a scorching summer,and it seems to alternate every second year, so we’re due for one this winter. Uh, oh, look out…

“Aunt Flow” also came, finally, 9 days late,and the abdomenal pain and cramps are really bad, so bad, they’re off the charts, the kind of pain that’s so bad it makes your toes curl and you can barely even stand up. The flow is unusual though; a thick tarry-black colour and consistancy instead of the usual gushing bright red so maybe, hopefully, this will be my last one and I’ll be going into menopause( I will be 51 in just 2 more months,afterall; it should have stopped by now,and my BFF’s stopped when she was 49) and won’t have it anymore, but likely with my luck tomorrow it’ll be back to it’s usual near-hemmoraging…

Whenever I hear a Tom Petty song I also say a prayer for his soul(I still can’t believe he’s gone),I found out by accident, and much to my surprise, that our oven mitts are flammable; it caught on the broiler and  a flame appeared which I quickly blew out but now there’s this big scorch mark on it and stinks so bad, and I heard the 14 YR old whisper(about me) to the 16 YR old, Look at her hair! and then the 2 of them looked at me and she whispered something else to her and they both giggled and then later on she said the same thing to my hubby too and they both laughed, making me feel like I did back in school when the bullies made fun of me, making me feel like a constant  scapegoat, an eternal victim, like I have a permanent target painted on my back, a life-long punching bag, and I can still hear (and feel) the echos of their taunts, insults,and ridicule in my mind as I walk by,too, Ewww, look at how ugly she is! Hey, dog, dog, dog, ugly….Frankenstein-Face…you must be a lez because you’re so ugly…..yet I also still smile in victory thinking about the time a bully told me to Suck me off! and I replied, There’s nothing there to suck! and his friends laughed at him and he got really mad and started calling me, whore, slut,skuz, douche-bag, c*nt…. but I had stood up for myself and put him in his place and it sure felt good. I had thought the bullying would have ended although it didn’t and at least back then I could come home and it was my safe place, my refuge, my sanctuary; I was safe there and they couldn’t hurt me, but now it’s my own family mocking me so I can’t even get away from it.

 

Winter Is Coming.

Screen Shot 11-04-17 at 07.11 PM

It was -2 C overnight and in the morning when I took Buddy out for his first morning walk. The sun wasn’t even up yet and we had frost during the night and it looked so magical sparkling in the moonlight, like someone had sprinkled iridescent powder on the grass. It was beautiful and for a few moments I just stood there in splendid wonder, enjoying the little things in life, capturing the small moments, but then the thought crept into my head, Oh, shit, winter is coming! It really is you know and here it seems to last half the year, from November until March. It was so cold for the walk both Buddy and I had to wear sweaters and I also threw on a wool hat and sheepskin gloves. I also had the little space heater on in my bedroom overnight twice already,too and just recently took the A/C out of my bedroom window. Pretty soon we’re going to have snow and it is November. Winter is coming.

Shit.

Shitshitshitshitshit.

We also have new neighbours that moved in next door yesterday and they’re Oriental which is good as it pretty much guarantees that they won’t be rednecks like most of the people in this burned out town, and it looks like they have a kid around the 10 YR old’s age as well so maybe he’ll have a new friend,too? Maybe he’ll make one of those legendary best friends you remember forever, like I had in grade 5 with T and in grade 6 with N?  My brother-in-law is also having a Christmas party next month at the golf and country club he works at and invited us as well and my hubby, the 23 YR old, 16 YR old,and 14 YR old said they’ll go,and it’s a morning brunch, and normally for me free food it’s like lemme at it!! but I’ts also a Christmas party and I’d also be expected to socialize and with my Social Phobia and Asperger’s that’s one of the things that I hate and dread most and feel the most awkward, nervous, and uncomfortable doing; I don’t “mingle”, socialize, know what to say, how to start a conversation or how to keep it going, what to talk about, how to behave, etc… I prefer just to sit off on my own quietly just observing people from a distance, not actually having to inter-act and talk with them, so I’m not going; the same reason I hardly ever go anywhere other than church and medical appointments; I much prefer to withdraw from society, from people, and just be on my own.

F*ck You, Winter!

Screen Shot 03-12-17 at 09.20 AM So much for an early spring, or for spring next week for that matter…..we’re getting another snowstorm and it’s lasting 2-3 days,and it’s a big one,too, we’re expected to get up to 25 cm of snow! All the snow had melted and it had been mild,and then it got really cold again so we decided to drive up to Kingston last night ahead of time and stay overnight in a motel to beat the blizzard to make sure we’d be there on time this morning ok for my EEG which I waited 4 months to get! We were lucky on the drive up; it hadn’t started to snow yet, it began during the night and then it was really bad! I think everyone in the entire city must have stayed home because there were hardly any cars on the road or even on the highway, and the usual 1 HR drive took almost 2 HRS and we saw 6 cars in the ditch!

I feel jet-lagged though as I didn’t sleep well and only got 2-3 HRS of sleep all night. I can’t sleep without my music and I couldn’t figure out how to work the radio and my hubby left me alone while he left to go play cards and he didn’t come back until 23:00 and then he was able to finally fix the radio so I had some music. He left the laptop but the wifi didn’t work for me,either( big surprise) yet when he returned it worked fine for him (I’m convinced he somehow disabled it so I wasn’t able to access his shit while he was gone) and I couldn’t sleep without my incense either, and I missed not having Buddy snuggled next to me,too, and my hubby kept snoring and I kept having these awful hot-flashes where I was just so hot and sweaty it felt like it was the middle of summer!Ugh!

Screen Shot 03-13-17 at 11.18 AM I wore my Converse high-tops as well as I didn’t want to look stupid wearing boots when there was no snow…but then today I still ended up looking stupid wearing shoes when there was snow(plus my feet were freezing,too!) so I’ll never do that again,  and we stayed at a Howard Johnson’s motel which I never have before (I normally stay at hotels when I travel or go on cruises and just been at motels a few times like when we moved in-between houses, and after the fire as they had the ensuites with kitchen units we needed as we waited for our house to be rebuilt) and I didn’t know what to expect and was afraid I’d find bedbugs, cockroaches, or stains on the sheets or something, but it was ok. Mother Nature tried to sabotage my app’t but I refuse to let her; I’ve fought more formidable enemies than her and won; she doesn’t know who she’s dealing with! We just worked around it and went up the night before.So, HA!

I’d also had my weed a few HRS before(as I didn’t know we were leaving, my hubby just comes up and tells me last minute) and we stopped off at Harvey’s to eat on the way and it was quite complicated trying to figure out how to order all my items and toppings on my cheeseburger with my muddled, foggy mind and I couldn’t figure out how the plug in the tub worked,either, and I was convinced when my hubby left me in the room alone that he’d hired someone to come and murder me, that it was the perfect plan; we go away overnight, in a motel,and he slips away for a few HRS and while I’m there alone an intruder comes in and kills me.Hearing we were staying at a motel the 13 YR old also goes, “Ewww!” and I told her, “It’s not like that! We just don’t want to be driving in the blizzard!” Someone has a dirty mind!

So now you know why this blog post is later than usual. I had to wait until I got back to do it. Even if the wifi had worked I can’t use the dumb laptop anyway; there’s no mouse and it has this touch-pad thing and you have to move it by moving your fingers only it doesn’t go in the direction you want and it keeps going round and round all over the place, in all different directions,and all these pages kept popping up out of nowhere, and I just can’t ever direct it to where I want it to go…..it’s just so frustrating, and besides, I’d have no way to access the photos I have on file on my desktop computer at home or any way to copy them using the laptop so I wouldn’t have any photos..Life is hard when you’re stupid.

F*ck winter!

The 29TH.

 

screen-shot-01-22-17-at-11-22-am I had a dream last night that I’m going to die on the 29th, but the problem is, the 29th of what? The 29th of this month, of January? I know it’s not going to be February (since there won’t even be 29 days in February this YR!)…or which month? Will it even be this YR? It will be interesting,though, to see what happens; if I really do end up dying on the 29th of something. (My guess would be May though as that’s always the bad luck month for us…..)

As well, Cadets did a Triathlon, and instead of the cycling part(due to the winter and snow) they do skiing and the 17 YR old was their official photographer, and 2 plumbers (I dubbed Mario and Luigi) came as well and finished the job with the clogged sink they had to replace the entire pipe as it was 20 YRS old and rotting, and they said it was just a buildup of soap that clogged the washer over time and they flushed that out,too, so now we finally have drainage once again! Yahoo!

The 13 YR old also was telling me about how there’s this 15 YR old she heard about in town that got hit by a car the same time his 14 year old girlfriend had a babyand how her mother was crowing about how proud she was of her! I told her if any of my kids had babies when they were teens I’d be embarrassed,not proud and she just shrugged and said it’s typical here in this redneck town, like what do you expect from white trash? I’d help my kid with the baby and be supportive, but I wouldn’t see being a teen mom as some sort of  goal or accomplishment or something!

I found a little toy pig on the sidewalk as I was walking as well so I scooped it up and put it in my pocket, thinking the 9 YR old will just love it! as he loves pigs like how I love hippos, but he wasn’t as happy as I’d hoped and he tossed it aside and said that I’d robbed it and stolen it….so he named it Bandit. I told him that I didn’t steal it, it was laying there in the street, all abandoned, homeless,and lost,and I picked it up and brought it home, and adopted it to be loved….but he wasn’t having any of it and it made me sad, and also because no matter how hard I try to engage him and bond it just never seems to work and he just keeps  pushing me away. He broke my heart awhile ago too when he yelled, “I hate my life because you’re in it!” I was hoping that small gesture might make him happy, might “endear” him to me, might “buy” me a few “bonus points” with him, so that maybe , just maybe, he’ll like me a bit more.I also think maybe he doesn’t want it because I gave it to him. My mother’s always been buying people to get them to like her and buying the kid’s affection for years, yet nothing works to get them to love me.know that you can’t make people like you,control them, or make them change how they feel about you,and you can’t make them nicer, or make them treat you better; all I can do is my best effort.

It’s going to snow again finally as well, after most of the snow having all melted away( it looks more like the end of March, early spring, than the end of January and the middle of winter!) and it reminded me of my childhood and brings back happy, fond memories of me and all the figure skating I did as a kid and a teen, going to the local arenas, but mostly, and my fave: my school’s yard rink.It was just a block from my house and I would walk there pretty much daily all winter after supper and on weekends, with friends, usually D, or by myself, and I esp. loved it at night, when it was dark and the lights were turned on the rink, even more so if no one else was there and I’d get the entire rink to myself (and the stories I could dream up and imagine in my head!)and the sheer unabashed feeling of pure and utter freedom. I just felt so free……like I could fly. I would glide along, twirl and spin, jump, and leap, sail thru the air, and land gracefully,racing along, with the frigid air nipping at my face and feeling my  cold frozen breath. I felt like I was in a dreamland and anything was possible.. I wish I could get that feeling back.

 

 

Canadian Winters.

screen-shot-12-30-16-at-08-21-am The 22 YR old’s GF is here visiting from California and it’s so funny watching her reactions to the cold winter and snow here in Canada; she’s just so …..cute! When she first arrived last winter as she exited the airport and walked out into the cool winter air she was startled and taken aback seeing her breath and asked, rather alarmed, What is that? I’m not smoking!” and in-between fits of laughter my hubby explained that it’s her breath; that in really cold air you can see your breath. She also just loves the snow and is fascinated by it, sort of like a little kid that sees it for the first time, or how kids are every winter eager to go out and play in the first snow,and how my friend J was when she first moved to this country as she’s never seen snow before.She also went tobogganing(I remember doing all the time when I was a kid) which she said was both “fun  and terrifying” at the same time(she even got to wipe out and go flying off the toboggan and land face-first into a snowbank!), and she was angry when she saw the snow plow going by clearing snow off the roads and she raged, “What the f*ck are they doing? They’re taking all the snow away!” It was hilarious.

It just goes to show that it’s all perspective. Depending on your perspective, like us, seeing snow as a yearly nuisance and pain in the ass that’s hellish to drive in,awful to shovel, dangerous to walk in( icy sidewalks) cold to fall in and general overall object of hate….or like her, seeing beauty in it, and looking at it in appreciation, marvel,and childlike wonder,and even looking forward to a snowfall and NOT dreading it……it all depends on your perspective, on how you see  things.

One of my cousins is also in the hospital with a strained and enlarged heart and he’s just in his late thirties,too, and Patti was chewing me out for being suicidal earlier as well and even said she might  take BUDDY back( and she referred to him as “my Buddy” too!) and her and another friend said I should stop saying how miserable I am living with my toxic family that emotionally abuses me and do something about it, she said to move out and he even said to go to a woman’s shelter and I told them that it’s not so “easy” and not as simple as they think; I said scolding down a depressed and suicidal person and threatening to take away the one thing that they cherish the most isn’t helpful but, in fact, makes it even worse, and ,unlike Patti( who always likes to boast how she left her drunken lout of a husband and walked out and raised 4 kids all on her ownI also have Asperger’s, bipolar, depression,and social phobia and I can’t survive on my own and would need someone to help me.

Ideally I could remarry but since  that’s highly unlikely another opti0n would be to get an apartment and share with a room-mate  and we’d divide the expenses,but I don’t have anyone that I know or could trust enough to live with, or I could get a room somewhere and my  family subsidizes me(and comes around to help me, such as buying groceries, going to the bank, doing taxes, paying bills, etc) yet even if I did go on Disability it’s still only 1800$ a month and rent would be at least 1200$, leaving only 600$ left to pay all the bills and buy food…..I wouldn’t have enough $$$$ and I’m not living in the ghetto,either, where it’s not even safe to go outside at night without fear of getting shot…..I wish I could leave and move out on my own and be self-sufficient, but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go and my family told me before that if I left I’m on my own  and I know I can’t function on my own or live as an independent adult; it’s NOT that easy; I can’t just walk out the door and leave, there are so many factors and variables that complicate it and just seem overwhelming and make it unattainable and out of reach.

The story of my  LIFE.

First Snow!!

screen-shot-11-20-16-at-03-46-pm We got our first snowfall yesterday! Just 2 days before it was a balmy 16 C and I was sitting outside and now between yesterday and today we’re to get between 15-20 cm of snow! It was inevitable though, and it is the third week of November,afterall, so it was bound to happen sooner or later. My hubby had to work and couldn’t pick me up after church yesterday so I had to walk home but it was actually nice walking home in the snow, it was so pretty and it was almost magical; it reflected off the moonlight and was sparkling and looked like white glitter. I was also glad I got to feel the snow falling on my face at least one last time before I die,too(assuming that I actually do die before I turn 50 in January like I’ve always had a feeling I will) but poor Buddy hates it and when I took him out for his walks he just stood there in stunned, numb shock, as if he was thinking, “ What the f*ck just happened?”

screen-shot-11-20-16-at-06-43-pm The kids make fun of my eyebrows as well, because they’re so thin, yet they’re feminine and arched, and at least I don’t have Brezhnev ( a former Russian leader, pictured here) eyebrows, or so big and bushy it looks like I stuck 2 hairy caterpillars on my face! The 9 YR old  insulted me as well, referring to me as “That big fat thing” and the 22 YR old’s on this “mission” to try and “turn” Buddy “away” from me and to get him to love him the most.Buddy is the only one that loves me and he’s even trying to take that away from me. He also snickered when he went to a fancy place to eat that what made him even more excited than actually getting to go there to eat himself was that I didn’t get to go. My family is so “nice” to me,huh?

screen-shot-11-20-16-at-10-17-am I also saw this, Disney’s newest princess, a Polynesian girl named Moana, and this is exactly how I wish  looked, I mean, she’s just sooooo pretty! I wish I looked like that! If I was pretty like that people would treat me alot differently, guys would like me, I’d have alot more opportunities in life, and I’d feel better about myself. My life would have been so different. I also wonder if my hubby might be having an affair as recently he’s given up drinking Pepsi( his fave. drink) and eating chips and does an intense daily fitness routine as well, like he’s trying to improve himself to impress his mistress or something…….I don’t really care if he is, just as long as he still takes care of our family.I think he might be trying to kill me off  for my life insurance $$$$ too.

The Dream.

screen-shot-10-29-16-at-11-44-am I had a dream last night that I had all the dogs that I’ve ever had,over all those YRS, incl. the Beagle, the Samoyed, the Afghan Hound, the 2 Shih-Tzus, the Pugs, and all the Chihuahuas, and of course Buddy the Dachshund. I had them all at the same time, all together in the same place, and I was playing with them on the floor and they were jumping all over me, licking my face, and I played with them all, and fed them all, but it was only Buddy that came in bed with me at night, because out of all my dogs in my lifetime he’s my fave. and the best dog that I’ve ever had! I wonder now too if the location of the dream was supposed to be in Heaven as well, afterall, where else could I possibly see every dog that I’ve ever owned all at once? If so, that might be an indication that there are animals in Heaven afterall! I sure hope so, and although no one really knows for sure (until you actually get there) I would like to think that there is, and being a splendid place filled with beauty, happiness, and love, how could there not be pets and other animals there, right?

I had another dream as well I was in the Philippines and I was in a shop and wanted to buy a fridge magnet ( I collect them from all over the world whenever I go on a trip) only I’d forgotten my credit card, and in real life I casually mentioned how most women gleefully look forward to winter because we don’t have to shave our legs (since we wear tights and no one sees our legs) the 22 YR old was horrified and he gasped, “If they’re single!” and I told him, no, it’s a common thing among pretty well every woman!(in the Northern latitudes, anyway) I also either fell asleep or passed out for 90 minutes outside ( it was a mild 17 C!) on the porch swing in the backyard yesterday…I laid down at 2:30……and woke up at 4 pm! I was woken up at 5:45 am by a thunderstorm,too.

My hubby got this fancy framed mirror for the 15 YR old’s room at some antique-style shop as well and it was some ritzy 200$ mirror and he got it for only a dollar as the guy selling it said it was “cursed”…..holy shit……I sure hope that they’re just trying to trick me and that it’s not really; we don’t need to invite demons into the house(curses are real, too, not just some superstition), and I’m hoping and praying for a miracle for the world for the American election,too; that both Trump and Clinton will either resign or be forced to drop out and someone else (hopefully Sanders?) will become their new Prez…..