Half A Headache.

SunflowerShirtShelfies Yesterday I had half a headache. Well, not really half a headache but rather a full headache but it was oddly only on one half of my head! I don’t ever remember having one like this ever before, where it’s only one one side; I normally have it all over but this one was weird, just on the left side.It wasn’t a migraine or anything; just a headache, but it actually felt like my head had been divided clearly into 2 halves and divided down the middle and sectioned off so that the headache was contained just on the left side and the right side was totally unaffected. It was the weirdest thing and after I took pills it did go away….but then my abdomenal pain was back(and I’m still bleeding a bit,too) so it’s always something. I don’t think I’ve had a pain-free day in I don’t know how long.

I also ordered this custom-made sunflower T-shirt (at the same place I got my hippo shirt for my Christmas gift which has just been shipped out but the mail is still on strike so who knows when it will show up…) for my birthday gift from my hubby. My hubby also went to a meeting at church to register the 11 YR old for Confirmation. I’d filled everything out and he just had to drop it off but he didn’t want to and told me to walk up there instead  and do it even though it was at 7 pm and I don’t feel safe walking alone in the dark and we don’t let the girls walk home alone in the dark(coming home from work, for example) and either he picks them up or the 24 YR old walks up and meets them so why is it any different for me? I still don’t want to get raped or killed either.It’s just not safe for a woman or girl to be out alone at night once it’s dark. I guess he doesn’t care if anything happens to me. 😦

NOTE: I originally had more posted here, a couple of more paragraphs, but I just noticed now they have been deleted,STUFF IS NOW MISSING and when I checked my stats it said it was edited at 1 am and it wasn’t by me.. Some asshole in my shitty family has been monitoring,censoring, and editing and deleting my blog. f*ck you ASSHOLES! No wonder I hate you.If you keep trying to censor me I will just keep putting it back up.You will not silence me.If you don’t want me to post shitty things you do then maybe you should stop doing so many shitty things!!

Here is the missing part:

As well, one of the kids told me that the 19 YR old's BF is posessive and controlling, which are red flags for abuse, incl. warning for predictable future physical abuse: apparantly he isolates her from family and friends, that he's the real reason she didn't come up for Thanksgiving and isn't coming for Christmas, and he won't "let" her be friends with guys, only girls, and even then only 2 at a time and only people that he pre-approves, and every day he goes thru her phone and text messages and "screens"  and monitors them,etc.... I don't know if any of this is actually even true or not; it's just what I've been told,but it's concerning, and all the kids have been caught lying, making shit up, telling stories, causing drama, and telling tall tales, and getting eachother into trouble, so I don't know <em>what</em> to believe anymore,and when I asked the others they said it's <em>not</em> true, and I hope it's not, but if there is any truth to it, it really worries me as it's <strong>NOT</strong> a healthy or safe relationship. I don't know why she'd put up with this kind of crap though, and she's a pretty girl and would have her pick of any guy she'd want and wouldn't have to settle for anything less, so it doesn't make any sense, but it worries me...what if it really is true?... why do they always put me thru so much stress and worry all the time?

Frederick’s.

Screenshot_792 There’s now a new mystery of sorts at our house: every day in the laundry I see a bunch of sexy skimpy lingerie(both bras and pantites, incl. lacy things and even thongs!), really trashy, slutty-looking things, even a shiny metallic-looking silver sparkly thong, things that a stripper , a porn star, or a hooker would wear, only the thing is I don’t know who they belong to and when I asked no one would fess up, no doubt probably embarrassed. There must be close to a dozen of them in total, in all different colours, all lacy and skimpy and inappropriate, esp. considering it must belong to one of the girls, either the 15 or 17 YR old, or at least I hope it’s one of the girls and NOT my hubby’s, the 11 YR old’s or the 24 YR old’s, who are guys! I also hope it’s not my mother’s, as she’s 77 for f*ck’s sake! I don’t even want to think about that!! I just assume they belong to one of the girls but in our crazy family who knows….

I’m an adult, a married woman and I’ve never worn trashy things like that ever in my entire life, not even when I was younger, not even when I was thin and had a decent body; I just don’t think it’s decent or appropriate to look like a slut and wear trashy lingerie, but it’s even worse when it’s just kids and teens wearing it,and why would they even want to,anyway? Who exactly even sees it, and it also makes me worry that they might be doing inappropriate things with it, like sexting rude photos or putting XXX videos up online to perverts or God knows what…. it really baffles and concerns me, and where do they even get it from,anyway? Do they secretly order it online or what? It reminds me of the sleazy stuff they sell at Frederick’s of Hollywood. I remember when I lived in L.A going into the store in Hollywood once, just out of curiosity, and I just laughed and blushed and there was alot of, Oh, my God! I wonder what this is for? Ewwww, that’s so gross! and the like but I’ve never actually bought anything there,and thongs look so uncomfortable,too, like always having a wedgie stuck in your butt-crack!

With bad anxiety like I have makes everything extra hard in life as well and every little deviation, for example, sends me into a panic attack as I always assume the worst and it causes me great worry and distress. An example would be that if the girls leave early for work, for example, I’d fear that maybe they went off to commit suicide or to run away or something, or if someone’s late coming home I worry they got abducted or were in a car accident and I imagine them laying in the middle of the road run over, or if Buddy’s laying down sleeping all stretched out flat and breathing slowly instead of just assuming he’s in a good deep sleep I worry he’s dying,etc. my mind plays all kinds of tricks on me and all kinds of horrible thoughts and scenarios always play thru my head and cause me so much anxiety and stress. That’s the one thing that I look forward to most in Heaven(as well as happiness and love) is peace of mind, that my mind can be at ease and not always consumed with worry, anxiety, and fear, not always on edge and nervous, so bad that I’m almost constantly trembling and shaking,biting my nails, and high strung. I want to just be able to let go and relax. Anxiety and worry have consumed me my whole life, even when I was a kid.

 

The Last.

Screenshot_749 Yesterday might have ended up being the last day, the last time, before I possibly hear life-changing news. My doctor’s office called and said that today my doctor himself is going to call me to discuss my scan results even though it’s only been 2 days and he wasn’t even supposed to get the results until next week, worrying me that they must have found something really bad, rushing the results to my doctor and his office contacting me, this early. Plus, the last time I got a phonecall like this from him regarding scan results I ended up having to get a colonoscopy(imagine a garden hose up your ass) and they found the polyp in my colon that was bleeding profusely….and if the results were just normal, the secretary would have just told me that yesterday when she called.

So now all these thoughts are running thru my head: what exactly did they find? What showed up on the scan with the cyst on my ovary? What did they see? How big has that thing gotten? Do they think it looks like cancer now, or what? Has it spread?  Is that something along the lines of what he’s going to tell me later today and what I have to brace myself for and prepare for; that I might even have cancer or something and he’s calling me to alert me of this concern and sending me off for further testing, such as to a specialist, or for a biopsy or even surgery to remove it? That’s what I’m kind of expecting, esp. with it being so soon, so sudden,and seeming so urgent.

So, then the thought occured to me, that maybe yesterday was my Last Day. My last day of a normal life. My last day before I find out I have cancer. The last day of living my life as it is now. The last day before my life is changed forever. The last day before a life-altering diagnosis. The last day of normal everyday life. The last day before bad news. The last day before yet another crisis to befall our family, the last day I have any semblance of a so-called “normal” life, the last day before I know, before I find out, before everything changes, before shock, fear and uncertaintly creep in, but regardless, nothing else has really changed; even if I do have cancer, for example, it’s always been there; it didn’t just appear when it showed up on the scan; that was just the day it was discovered, but it’s been there for awhile, and I’ve had abdomenal pain and bleeding issues for at least the past year now,anyway, but my doctor refused to refer me to a gyno despite my pleas.

At least once the cause of the pain is found, dealt with and removed hopefully it will finally relieve my pain…and maybe now I’ll finally get that referral! I kept telling him for months and months that something was wrong, with the abdomenal pain, the heavy painful periods and bleeding in-between and he just passed it off as woman things and just part of being a woman and something I just have to live with even though I know something’s wrong and it’s not normal and even now I’ve been in menopause for 4 months I still have the pain, and the bloating, cramping,  bad fluid retention, constipation and diarrhrea, etc. and I even read somewhere that ovarian cancer can be wrongly diagnosed as IBS, esp. since the symptoms can mimic other things, don’t appear until later,and it’s often not diagnosed until the advanced stages…..

Just in case it was my Last Day of “normality” yesterday before my life changes forever and the last time before Big News, at least I was able to fully savour, enjoy and capture the moment. I felt the sun on my face as I was outside walking the dog. I enjoyed eating a chocolate bar, I celebrated Ganja Liberation Day accordingly, loved on my dog, listened to some great music,watched a good TV show, and captured the moment, just in case. My abdomenal and back pain has been worse for the past few days,too, and the best way to describe the abdomenal pain is sometimes it feels really crampy, like bad period cramps or early labour, and other times it’s a gnawing pain, and other times it feels like bad constipation pain or like when you were a kid and had a bad tummyache or when the waistband of your pants was too tight and your stomach hurt. The back pain is like in labour and feels like there’s something hard pressing on it, like when you can feel the baby’s head pressing against the bottom of your spine.

The good news is though that I haven’t had a hallucination in a few weeks…..or at least not that I’m aware of,anyway,and today one of the kids also turns 24! Happy Birthday!

The Vigil.

Screen Shot 05-21-17 at 08.39 AM I almost feel like I was holding a vigil last night: when I got up to pee at 3 am I checked on the 14 YR old like I always do and I saw her sit up in bed and then quickly lie back down when she saw me and then shortly after she was up in the bathroom and then locked the bedroom door behind her, raising my suspicion, fearful that maybe she had taken pills or something, on high alert, so I quickly picked the lock and went in to check on her and she said she was fine( but what else  is she going to say though? It’s not like she’d actually tell me,anyway) so for the rest of the night every half hour I kept going in to check in on her, just to make sure that she was ok, still conscious and responsive and not showing signs of OD like slipping into a coma or seizures, and she was ok, so I guess she really did just go to the bathroom, but with her history and suicide risk I can’t be too  careful and I have to be vigilant. She said it was “annoying” and I’m “obsessed” with her, but I’m just doing my job, taking care of her, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she had taken something and I just went back to sleep and didn’t keep checking and she died; I wouldn’t be able to live with that! How could someone ever have that on their conscience?

Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep, or the night before from checking on Buddy,either( who still yelps in pain a few times a day) so I’m really tired and feel like a prisoner of war being sleep deprived and it seems to be Buddy’s spine giving him trouble again causing the pain, common in Dachshunds, esp. as they age, they get slipped discs and things and I remember his previous owner mentioning it and how they’d said he may need surgery but it cost 3000$ and he said he can’t afford it and was just going to put him down……we can’t afford it either( we can’t even afford veterinary care; we’re like those uninsured people in USA that can’t afford medical treatment, so we just have to wait it out,pray, and hope for the best) but I could never do that; I would never kill my best friend! I couldn’t live with myself.It’s up to God when the time of death occurs, not up to us. I’d just make him comfortable in his last days(palliative care) and love him to the end. It’s not fatal though, although he can end up paralyzed, so I’d have to carry him everywhere but if I have to I will because that’s what love does. The kids and my hubby taunt me that he’s going to die,too, just to get me upset, anxious,panicky,and to play on my fears(and now I’m scared when I come back from my trip he’ll be gone, or even that my hubby had him euthanized or something, esp. since one time when I was out of the country he sold my Pug and never told me and when I got back my dog was gone) but I hope not, I’d just be shattered, he’s the only one that loves me and if he’s gone then I have nothing to come back to. I’d lose my best friend,too. 😦

My hubby and the kids also call me a “druggie” even though I only use my medically prescribed marijuana twice a week for my migraines, so that hardly makes me a “druggie”, but they just like to use everything they can to put me down and degrade me, and at 4 am I got this sudden urge to throw up as well followed by this intense blinding headache only it wasn’t a migraine; it felt different and I wondered if I might even be having a stroke or an aneurysm so I staggered back to bed and then it went away, but I wonder what it was? Maybe it was a sudden spike in BP from stress or something even? Maybe I even have a brain tumour or something, which might also explain my seizures, memory lapses, forgetfulness, and brain “fog?” “Aunt Flow” also came last night, right in time for my trip. Doesn’t it figure? Just my “luck!”

I can’t believe I’ll be in Cuba tomorrow as well!  I wonder if this is the wonderful thing that  is about to happen like I had in that “revelation” awhile back, although I had the impression that it was something much bigger, more life-altering, although it still may be connected in some way, who knows, and I’ll soon be digging my toes in the sand, floating in the azure blue waters, laying under a palm tree and washing sea salt out of my butt crack! This will also bring it up to 36 countries that I’ve been to  and I’ve always wanted to go to Cuba, given it’s fascinating history,too. Viva la revolution!

My Haikus.

screen-shot-11-04-16-at-01-24-pm

The past has caught up

A traitor has sold us out.

My worst fear has come.

 

We are in much danger.

We will never be free from.

The nightmare returns.

 

Enemies are back.

I can’t live thru this again.

Only one way out.

 

They found us again.

I’ll sacrifice to save us.

I will end this soon.

 

I can’t say too much.

I don’t know who’s reading this.

We are under siege.

 

I still protect them.

I stay loyal even so.

I defend to death.

 

Danger surrounds me.

Yet I feel a peaceful calm

God delivers us.

 

I might have to say goodbye.

My time may have come.

But God has a plan.

 

Will they leave us be?

and go back to the shadows?

Does my life end here?

 

Sick with fearful panic.

But God keeps us safe and free.

I leave it with Him.

 

How can this be real?

This is happening again.

I feared it would come.

 

 

Where He Went.

Screen Shot 05-20-16 at 03.53 PM When I woke up the van was gone and so was my hubby…yet he never told me he was going anywhere so of course me, being what I am, was worried and automatically imagined the worst, that there was an emergency of some sort and he had to suddenly leave, that maybe his father had died, or the 18 YR old flipped out and attacked his room-mates or tried to kill himself again or something, or maybe that even my hubby had another breakdown( like he’s had before) and just took off somewhere or something….I was worried but as it turned out he’d just gone off to play cards all day! He thinks my laying out in the sun and tanning is boring but *I* think playing cards is boring and they’re all retired old geezers,too; he’s the only one who still has a job!

As well as taking off without telling me where he was going or even that he was leaving, my hubby also left his wet towel in the hallway AGAIN,too, and left the empty toilet paper roll so when I went pee I didn’t have any toilet paper! Aaaarrrrgggghhh! It just gets me sooooo MAD! I mean, how hard is it to put a new roll of toilet paper on for the next guy,and the towel isn’t going to get washed on the floor; it belongs in the washing machine! It’s hard to say if he really IS that inconsiderate or if he just does these things on purpose just to piss me off…..

When I was walking Buddy he also did this really gross shit and I said, “Oh, Buddy that’s so nasty! What did you EAT?” and I was chattering away to him and a lady walking by told me it was “cute” the way I talk to him, and I thought he’d eaten a garlic clove(which is toxic to dogs) off the kitchen floor someone had dropped and my mother snickered it would serve him right and when I said, “Oh, you’d just LOVE that if he died; you’d love to see me miserable!” she said, “You’re ALWAYS miserable anyway!”… see…. this is exactly the kind of snarky comments I ALWAYS get from her for *EVERYTHING* I say and do and every reply for everything and then I re-phrased it, “You’d be happy to see me *heart-broken*!” and she didn’t deny it, and we had an extra samosa left over from dinner as there was an uneven amount after we divided them all up so I ate it and she snarked, “Of COURSE you did!” and I said, “What’s THAT supposed to mean?” and she goes, “You *always* eat all the left-overs!” and I told her, “But unlike YOU I don’t steal OTHER people’s food!” and then she shut up! I’m just going to cross a line I’ve never crossed before and just go ahead and finally say it(because she sooo deserves it and it’s been a long time coming): she’s a c*nt.