Ok, here it is, my secret shame: I have 2 “toxic” relatives. They make my life a living hell, they demean,belittle, disregard,degrade,and devalue me. I am treated like a piece of dirt, talked about behind my back, even “plotted” against, undermined, sabotaged,over-ruled, dismissed,ignored,mistreated, they get together and “gang up” on me,etc.. so you get the idea. Even when I TRY to reach out to them, to forgive and move past, they rebuff, reject,and “attack” me.The cycle keeps repeating itself over and over and over again. They are always critical, insulting, and hurtful.I think my very existance annoys them! They make me feel worthless, unwanted,unloved, demoralized,meaningless,discarded, unimportant, last in life, dejected, beaten-down,defeated, and the like, only negative emotions and hurt.I don’t like the way they make me feel about myself.I don’t believe in therapy,however, and am just left to my own devices to try and deal with it.They, for their part, refuse to see their part in it, and blame me; somehow everything’s always MY fault.They tear me down and break my spirit yet somehow I’M at fault.
They are people the Scientologists refer to as “Suppressive Persons”; negative people who cause extreme stress, anguish, grief and overall discomfort and emotional harm to those around them. They are the kind of people who can make life unbearable. One of my “toxic” family members has got to be one of the most hateful,spiteful, unforgiving, grudge-holding, self-serving,mean-spirited, nasty,and hurtful people I know! To be closely related to her is unimaginable.She is a hard person to live with and a difficult person to try to love.Unfortunately, you can’t “choose” family…
One of them I have such an aversion to now as a result of years of torment and being a “thorn in my side” and the “bane of my existance” is I can’t stand the sight or sound of her; I hate EVERYTHING about her; her smug ,smirking face, her nose, her squinty eyes, her annoying laugh, her grating voice, her snotty attitude, her sense of entitlement, etc.. you name it.Everything about her just rubs me the wrong way! I feel badly I feel this way, and I try SO hard to be forgiving and to reach out and try and try again but it never gets me anywhere; I am only pushed farther away,rejected, and nothing ever changes. I have come to the decision that they are simply “toxic” relatives and the best thing for my emotional well–being,healthy state of mind,self-esteem,stress level,and emotional health is to simply distance myself from them..you can only do so much.Some people just don’t change and sometimes it’s best to just let go and move on.Not everything can be fixed.
I remember once my son saying that just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean that you get along. This makes perfect sense actually, and makes me think of this exact situation. I guess some people just clash and don’t get along, and there will always be resentment, anger, issues, hurt, rivalries,unfairness,and the relationship serves no useful purpose for anybody and the best thing is just to stay away from eachother, or in extreme cases, no longer have anything to do with eachother EVER again; break free of an unhealthy situation for good and forever and everyone will be better off.No looking back,just washing my hands of it and just starting over with the hurt of the past behind you…no more feeling unwanted,unwelcome, and worthless in my own life.No more feelings of hopelessness, despair, being trampled on, pushed aside, and picked on.
I struggle as a Christian with all these negative feelings, hard feelings, anger, hurt, and the “uncharitable” way I feel towards these people.I bring this up at Confession time and time again.I struggle with these weaknesses and conflicts. Afterall, aren’t Christians supposed to be loving and getting along well with others and not have negative feelings towards them? I feel badly I feel the way the do even though at the same time I also realize it’s justifiable considering the hurtful way they have treated me over the years. All I can do is pray, leave it with God, do the best I can under the circumstances,and hold on, knowing someday soon they will be gone; I won’t have to live with them,and like this, forever or for much longer…one day I will be free.