Shuhada Davitt.

Screenshot_846 Irish singer Sinead O’Connor (who has always been one of my faves) has now converted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhada Davitt! When I first heard the news I felt happy and thought to myself, I hope she’s found what she’s looking for and she’s happy. She and I sort of live similar, parallel lives(all except for the part where she’s famous, rich,and talented and I’m not) as we both have shaved heads, both suffer from bipolar and both have toxic abusive families that treat us like shit, and have both struggled with suicide attempts. I was saddened to see though all the hate and just horrible online comments and reaction people have to her conversion though, just really mean awful things, from calling her names, calling her “crazy”, saying she has to go and get fitted for her suicide vest, etc. and the like.

I was happy for her when I heard the news, happy she had found her way along her spiritual journey and people recoil in revulsion, What would she do that for? I just think she was searching for something spiritually, trying to get closer to God and this was the path she chose, so as long as she’s happy, so what?Muslims still worship the same God, so what’s the problem? I think there are many paths to God, not just one truth. Even my mother (who is known for her acid-tongue and cruel, hurtful comments) even said in response, If they don’t have anything nice to say they shouldn’t say anything at all! In any case, I hope it works well for her and that she finds the peace, happiness and connection to God she’s been looking for and just ignores the haters and just considers where it comes from, it just sucks that people always have to be so horrible and mean though. People suck!

As well, now they’re saying we might even get snow tomorrow,  possibly even 5-10 cm, and my friend A (from Ottawa) and his wife and new baby (now almost 4 months old already!) are in Taiwan visiting her family, and it’s funny too how that’s his first baby and he’s just starting out on his journey into parenthood and I’m finishing off mine; we’re at opposite ends of the spectrum, and my mother said the 19 YR old said she might try to come visit for Christmas afterall! Ooooh, I sure hope so and it would be nice for her to visit her siblings again too and for as much of the family to be back together again as possible.

Today is also my hubby’s birthday; he’s 55, and his birthday(and Father’s Day) are always hard days for me to get thru emotionally as well as the kids always fawn all over him and make such a big deal over it(and they even make home-made cards for him too but they refuse to for me, making it very clear that they like him and delight in rubbing it in my face that I’m not liked or a wanted or celebrated person in this family, which hurts) whereas my birthday and Mother’s Day is practically overlooked, and it feels more like a glaring reminder even more so of how much I don’t belong, don’t fit in and am not welcome here in my own home.

I also forgot I had food cooking in the oven until my mother goes, Do I smell French fries? and then I was like, Uh,oh…. I forgot I had them in the oven! and I quickly ran into the kitchen to check on them and they were pretty well done but luckily not burned yet! I’m like an old woman with dementia; I put things on the stove and forget about it and it’s not the first time I’ve done it,either. My mind is just….going…going…gone. I have dreams alot as well I visit Heaven in my sleep and visit relatives who have died and I also have the impression that I’m preparing to go on a journey as well, so I wonder if maybe I’m dying soon? Maybe that’s how it’s preparing me and getting me ready?

Home.

Screenshot_1040 While I was out walking Buddy he’d stopped in front of the house to sniff something in the grass and to pee on the fire hydrant and as we waited I looked up at the house and a wave of emotion came over me and I thought, This is my home. This is where I belong. I don’t want to live somewhere else. I don’t want to move. Even though I’ve never liked the town I do like the house and I’ve settled in here and I really don’t want to leave, esp. the backyard, my bedroom,and the livingroom. Those are my fave. spots in the house, but if we do end up having to still move afterall I hope at least that I love the new house too and enough so that I don’t miss this one too much. I also hope for “extras” such as a clawfoot tub and French doors like I had at our old Toronto house. The photo here I took sitting on the front veranda looking out onto the street, also another place I like to be, sitting in the shade.

Screenshot_1041 The pool’s also clearing up nicely now as well, and I’m surprised so fast! Hopefully maybe it will be ready to use in time for when our relatives come visit on the weekend! We dumped something like 8 jugs of “shock” (liquid chlorine) into it . I also re-dyed my hair platinum blonde again and it’s so short I have to cut it every 1-2 weeks and dye it every 3 weeks and my mother had her MRI yesterday as well to try and find the source of her back pain she had earlier but if it’s something like a virus or nerve pain nothing will show up on the scan and on the weekend it will be 7 weeks since I’ve last had Aunt Flow,too, so I’m hoping that menopause has finally come and I won’t be getting it anymore and last month the cramps were off the chart but I hardly had any flow,and my friend A(from Ottawa) and his wife had their first baby the other day; a girl, and they were in the hospital for 2 days,too, but when I had my last baby I went home after just 4 hours, so I wonder if they’re keeping them in longer now?

A Week At Patti’s.

Buddy

Buddy and I are back from Patti’s and the breeding was a success but it was the longest week of my life even though it wasn’t even a week, just 4 1/2 days! It reminded me of that science trip back in grade 7; it was supposed to be a “reward” for the students with the top marks; a week away but I was cold, hungry, got this horrible stomach flu and was sick and the bullies wouldn’t leave me alone and I couldn’t wait to get home. That’s how it was at Patti’s. We’re still friends but we could never be room-mates and I’ll never stay over at her place ever again. I was cold, hungry, kept getting scolded(it reminded me when I lived with my aunt as a kid for a couple of years) and I was utterly miserable, so much so that when I got to church for Ash Wednesday( there was a church a few blocks away from her place I could walk to) the tears just started flowing; I just felt so safe in the church, so at home, my sanctuary; it just all came out. At first I thought it might have been a break thru but it actually ended up being a breakdown and I had so many anxiety attacks that week. I’m a wreck.

The breeding went well though and Buddy’s wish(to get laid) came true. He is no longer a virgin. The first day Chloe( the female Dachshund, Patti’s dog) would flip her tail side to side and let him sniff her not not mount her, but the second day she’d wiggle her sassy ass at him inviting him, Come tap this booty…here’s a sweet piece of ass….come and get it…here it is big boy… flirting with him and he tried to hump her but could never hit the hole; he was off target and could never quite hit the mark so to speak but then on the third day he nailed it, literally, and they got a “tie”( where they successfully get stuck together for about 10 minutes and can’t be separated) and they achieved this 4 times overall plus a few “mini” ones in-between so she’s most likely going to be pregnant.After the deed was done Buddy would just recline back in my arms with this blissed-out look on his face, as if he was stoned, and then he would sleep the rest of the day, the poor old boy was just simply exhausted, but he was happy.

As for me, it didn’t go so well. First of all, just days before I arrived there was no heat in the bedroom( she has electric heating in each room of the apartment) so I was freezing every night and hardly slept, maybe 3-4 hours a night, plus the neighbours’ noises kept me up, and I could hear them from all sides; above and from both sides, and I was starving too as she hardly had any food and all she had in her fridge was 6 slices of bread, a bit of milk, a tub of margarine,and some frozen veggies. She went shopping on the third day and I gave her some $$$ and she asked Do you like cottage cheese? and I told her I love it….yet when I asked her later if I could have some on Friday( Lenten Fridays now; no meat) she goes, No, I have that with my breakfast and I won’t have enough! It has to last the rest of the month. I don’t have any more $$$ to shop until then. Then I asked if I could have some cheddar cheese instead and she wouldn’t let me have that either, saying she needed that for the salsa dip she was making for her potluck dinner on the weekend. I was sleep deprived, starving, bags under my eyes, and every little thing I did ( or didn’t) do was wrong, as she’s this obsessive perfectionist neat freak and she always kept yelling at me, scolding me and berating me for every little thing I felt like I was at home. I also didn’t have any TV or InterNet for the week as she doesn’t have cable and she does InterNet on her cell phone but the print is too small for me to see and the keys too tiny I don’t have the dexterity to type on that and it would take me 5 minutes just to type out one word, and then she said I could use the wireless keyboard on the TV (she has widescreen TV in every room) except neither of us could figure out how to set it up so I was basically cut off from the rest of the world the entire time.

BuddyAndChloe

Everything had to be “just so” and I couldn’t do this, touch that, sit here, use this or that, and she even wanted me to wipe off the toilet seat and bath tub after every use and I said f*ck that (oh, and she swears even more than I do, every second word was f*ck this-and-that) and she told me to leave my Mukluk boots out in the hallway as she didn’t want them inside but I refused, No way! I paid over 200$ for those boots, I’m not leaving them out i the hallway; someone will steal it! and she says oh, no they won’t….but…I was so desperate for food I called my hubby in a panic and had him drop me off food and blankets( she only had one thin sheet and thin blanket on my bed and didn’t have any extra linens and it was so cold) and he came by when we were out so he just left it in the hallway in front of the door….and my mother said she’d packed me spanakopita and some frozen dinners….but I never got them….they weren’t there….someone had taken them. She only had 2 bath towels as well and I could only use a certain one and had to use the same musty towel for 4 days and it was getting mouldy, stinky, and mildewy and she said it was because I’m dirty even though I have a bath every morning and she said her towel doesn’t smell like that and I told her I use a clean towel for each bath and it’s bacteria and it just needs to be washed. I also did this epic diarrhrea and all day she laid into me how much I stunk up the entire apartment and she said that her shit doesn’t stink like that and she kept putting me down and shaming me for it….she literally thinks her shit doesn’t stink.

She also kept scolding me that I used the “wrong” frying pan, or that I was using the “wrong” spatula with the pan, or the “wrong” stove element, and freaked out when I fried with oil instead of margarine, and she dawdles and takes forever with everything and it was 7 pm and no dinner and she said she has to wash the dishes first, before dinner can be started so I suggested how about I cook the macaroni and beef and she does the dishes, so it saves time and she said no, the dinner  absolutely can’t be started until after the dishes are done and it took her forever and then when I finally did get to make dinner she didn’t like the way I did it so she shoved me aside and took over and she limited how much I could eat. When I washed my dishes after she also would lay into me that I put my knife in the dish rack the “wrong” way. It was always things like that. She also would rip into me to get my feet off the couch, that I wear my socks to bed and that left dust lint particles all over her sheets (??????) and as soon as I got up on the last day she whipped the bedsheets and pillowcases off proclaiming they were filthy and had to be washed before she could ever use them again, which I found to be insulting.

I also wasn’t allowed to sit here, touch this, or go near that, and she was always yelling at me to shut up saying my voice is too loud and she didn’t want the neighbours to hear us talking as she’s convinced they’re spying on her, and one day she went out and when she came back she found both dogs and I curled up together alseep on the couch and she was furious and really wailed on me; I thought she was going to kick me out right then and there, I don’t want dog hair on my couch! She also told me to wash out my used pop cans before recycling….WTF? wash garbage? and she got really mad when I brought Buddy’s poop bags inside and threw them in her garbage….she doesn’t want her garbage to stink…..it’s garbage….it stinks. She also got mad at me for letting Buddy pee too “close” to the apartment, not wanting the neighbours to see, fearing someone will complain and blame her.

It was so bad I had several anxiety attacks and this massive headache on the last day ( probably my BP sky-rocketing due to the stress) and I was literally trembling and shaking and I called home begging my hubby to come get me and he was over and hour late and I just broke down crying, please, just come and get me outta here! Come rescue me! I just wanna go home! I felt like a prisoner of war, hungry, sleep deprived , and demoralized I was a wreck. I didn’t want to mention the stud fee either but my mother insisted and Patti freaked out and she was insanely offended and mad and she ripped into me, I’m not paying you nothing! You got Buddy for free! This is just a favour between friends! ( the standard is the stud dog owner either gets a puppy in exchange or the fee equal to the cost of a puppy once sold) and I told her I’d only want a puppy if, God Forbid, Buddy should die and then I’d want one of his puppies as it would be a part of him, like I’d still have a piece of him with me, and she tries to rip me off with that,too, saying, Ok, ….unless…..I’ve already promised the puppies to my kids or something, then I won’t give you any…OMG!  This is supposed to be my friend and she’s screw me over like this?

I found out she’s racist, too, she said the reason they left Toronto when her kids were young as she wanted them to grow up with and marry their own kind, meaning white people, and huffed that they were practically the only kids that didn’t have brown skin or black hair and she wants her grandchildren to look like her and not have people think they’re adopted or she’s babysitting and then tries to “justify” it by saying animals stick with their own kind; foxes stick with foxes, dogs with dogs, and not with cats, for example, and I told her she’s a RACIST AND THAT WE’RE ALL THE SAME KIND, HUMAN KIND AND THE SAME SPECIES. I told her I want my kids to marry someone they love, it doesn’t matter what colour they are, what religion they are, or where they’re from.

I secretly got “revenge” on her though. I know it’s childish, but it made me feel good. I stuck it to her and her need for cleanliness, orderliness and perfection: she has no idea( and that’s half the fun) but  know and have the secret satisfaction: I licked a spoon and dug out a couple of good heaping spoonfuls of cottage cheese right out of the conatainer and ate it and then just put it back, her none the wiser, and I rubbed my butt back and forth in her pristine tub, smooshing it around back and forth, and I shaved my rude-part with her razor. I also had wanted to rub her toothbrush in my butt-crack too but I couldn’t find it. When I got back home my mother also snickered, I guess it’s really not so bad here afterall, is it? except it still is, just in a different way. It was still a nice break away from my toxic family and the cruel way they treat me, and, in fact,  as soon as I walked in the door it started. They couldn’t even wait to start hassling me. The 10 year old greeted me back with, Oh, no, you’re back! I hope Buddy dies! and in my sleep-deprived state I had taken my pills out and forgot where I put them and I was frantic and panicking thinking I’d left them at her place and the 14 and 16 YR old kept laughing, mocking, and making fun of me, revelling in my distressed state. Yeah, welcome home. Some things will never change. I hate my life. As for Patti, we’re still friends( although not in the same way and my perspective has changed), but I’m never staying over at her place ever again.

The Tank.

Screen Shot 11-29-17 at 08.14 AM Not a good day to wake up to. First of all, when I woke up at 6 am to go pee and wash my face I noticed nothing came out of the hot water tap; it just made a grinding noise, so I used the cold water, but when I went downstairs my hubby informed me that we had no water; that the hot water tank in the basement had been leaking, flooding the basement, and he had to turn off the water but that the repairman was coming later in the day. Ok, except I didn’t have any water, hot or otherwise, for my bath in the morning and it was also wash hair day too, and I just felt to unclean and yucky….ugh…grungy, unkempt….

At night the 14 YR old said she heard a loud rattling, rumbling sound coming from the basement, sort of like how the windows rattle and shake with an earthquake or when a large truck drives by and they shake, and my hubby said he heard a hissing sound, and it ended up to be the hot water tank,and of course when I heard that I imagined the worst( like I always do with my over-active imagination) such as it being built up under pressure and on the verge of exploding, so basically like having a bomb on the verge of exploding in your basement, with the force and capability to bring down your entire house…..but the guy came and was just here shortly; as it turns out it was just a leaky valve which he replaced and all was well again and we had water once again for baths, showers, hair washes, cooking, dishes, etc. It also explains what was leaking before to cause the furnace to short-circuit; I’d just assumed it was water flooding the basement floor from rain. I swear, everything we have is a piece of shit.

Screen Shot 11-29-17 at 04.12 PM

I also woke up first thing in the morning seeing this staring back at me from the top shelf in the fridge: a marinading beef heart. So utterly and completely disgusting I gagged and almost puked. The 23 YR old made it but it was the dog who actually ended up eating most of it, but he licks his ass too so his standards aren’t exactly too high. Patti also stopped by yesterday for a surprise visit too and it was Weed Day so I just sat there politely nodding my head and smiling as she rambled on complaining about all her neighbours now she lives in an apartment and she can hear every sound they make, which she continued to drone on and on about in explicit detail, from the woman upstairs who squeaks her fat ass back and forth sliding around in her bathtub, to others loud clomping footsteps, each one they take, or them noisily moving furniture, or loudly snoring keeping her awake, or something or other that annoyed her, plus all the drama and gossip I haven’t got time for and couldn’t care less about; my mind kept wandering off and I would glance up every now and then at the old musical my mother was watching on TV, White Christmas, anything to distract me as I was watching her mouth move but trying to “mute” the sound, just thinking, Oh, please, just get me out of here. I just wanted to lay down and sleep under my cozy heated blanket and she just wouldn’t stop going on about all these people and I was too polite to say anything. I also think Donna’s already moved out,too, as there’s been zero activity or lights on at her house and I haven’t seen her out with her dogs,either…You know, I’m going to miss having her around.

The Donuts.

 

Pictured here are the coconut cream donuts that I had to cleverly disguise and hide during the night so that they would still be there for breakfast so that no one would find them and eat them during the night or day before and there would be none left for breakfast, like last time. Last time the 23 year old sneakily took one out, located underneath the label where it remained unnoticed,and he’d inserted a white paper towel, all crumpled up, to fill in the spot where the donut had been, so no one would notice it was missing…..pretty sneaky, but he’s not the only one that’s sneaky, and besides, where do you think he learned it from? So, I turned the box upside-down, covered it up with napkins and put it in another box and hid it on the table buried underneath other boxes, hidden but in plain sight, but so that no one would find it, and it worked! We actually had all of the donuts in tact and accounted for in the morning for breakfast! Such is life at our house, having to hide, label, and disguise food so that there will be enough for everyone.

As well, the 14 YR old is feeling better with her virus, thank God, and last night at 1:30 am I was woken up out of my sleep by a loud, clear and audible voice calling my name and it sounded like my mother and it woke me up and I sat upright in bed, responding, Huh? What? What? Is that you? dazed but also startled and a bit afraid, worried someonething was wrong, some sort of emergency or something being woken up suddenly in the middle of the night like that, but no one was there, just Buddy curled up asleep under the covers beside me, the room calm and quiet and pitch black, so I rolled over and went back to sleep but it wasn’t a dream, it was loud and clear and I know I heard it, I know it was real. When I told my mother later she said it must have been an angel,and I remember a similar experience years ago when the 23 year old was a newborn; I was exhausted from getting up during the night to feed him, I felt like a sleep-deprived prisoner of war, and I just wasn’t waking up when he was crying to be fed and I heard a loud, clear, audible voice calling me, saying, Wake up! It’s time! ( to feed him) and sure enough when I woke up I could hear him crying to eat,and I remember it was the same voice! It sounded remarkably like my mother only it wasn’t her(and it couldn’t have been her mother or grandmother watching over us from Heaven either as they both have distinct European accents) as both times she was fast asleep in her own bed. My Guardian Angel, perhaps?

The 16 YR old also had a visit and tour of a post-secondary school in Toronto yesterday and did the Black Friday shopping thing at the mall but I avoid at all costs; I prefer to NOT be trampled in the stampede; the malls and stores are zoos, and I can still remember that time as a kid when I actually did faint at a Boxing Day sale it was so hot and stuffy and crowded and I vowed I would never be stupid enough to do that ever again and I never did. The second-oldest also had her 27th birthday the other day and I just can’t believe that the 2 oldest kids will be 30 soon; God, that just makes me feel so old!

My family hates it as well that I often will withdraw by myself and into myself and go off into my own little world on my own away from everyone and everything but it’s nothing personal; it’s just an Asperger’s thing, and I like being off on my own and having private alone time where I can just remove myself from the world and get lost in my own thoughts and fantasies,and I saw this old photo of Patti as a teen as well and no offence, but she looked like such a bitch back then, like one of those mean bitchy popular girls, like the kind that would have bullied me, and it’s not very likely that I would have been her friend back then, she probably wouldn’t have given me the time of day and I in all likelihood would have avoided her and her crowd.

Act Of Kindness.

Screen Shot 05-15-17 at 07.53 AM I woke up this morning checked into my computer and this is what greeted me: beautiful sunflowers that my friend in Brazil had posted on my Facebook wall, along also with a cute video of a baby hippo….just because…and she had written…Dearest Pogue, have a good week! She knows I’ve really been struggling lately and it really touched me that she was thinking of me and thought to do such a kind and thoughtful gesture. It really made my day and even brought tears to my eyes. People are rarely kind to me and this really means alot.

obrigado, M.

War Crimes.

Screen Shot 04-07-17 at 11.52 AM This is a heart-wrenching photo of dead Syrian children who have been killed in an atrocious gas attack, presumably by their own gov’t, the Assad regime, a crime so horrific and brutal it is a war crime. It’s bad enough to do this to your enemy but to your own people? To babies, children, and other innocents? It is beyond reproach, unforgivable, and crosses a line. The civil war in Syria has been raging on now for something like 7 YRS with half of the population left as refugees and the others either killed in war or living in a war zone. Something needs to be done about this desperate situation, and this most recent chemical attack is the last straw.

If you don’t feel grief, sorrow, intense sadness, if you don’t cry, feel a lump in your throat and tears in your eyes looking at this photo then you are heartless and soul-less. USA decided to bomb a Syrian airbase to hold the Assad regime to account for the recent chemical weapons attack in an attempt to stop it and to show that it is not acceptable in the eyes of the world and will not be allowed to continue. Now normally I would condemn such an attack as aggression and an act of war, yet in this case I do think it’s justified.  Although I generally am a peaceful person of non-violence and against aggression and war, in this case a message had to be sent, and the chemical attacks have to be stopped, and maybe it has to take something like this to get the message across. Something has to be done about Assad. He has to go. It would seem the only way to a peaceful resolution and end to the atrocities and war in Syria is to get rid of the Assad regime….even better…maybe someone can even, you know……get rid of him…..

Normally I am horrified and aghast at USA’s quick actions of war, bombings, and acts of aggression and Imperialism against other countries yet in this case I think it’s justified, just as long as they’re totally sure that it was indeed the Syrian army that did do it, and say, not the rebels or someone else; you have to be pretty damn sure that you find out who actually did commit the crime first, and not put blame on the wrong person, and also consider the possibility that perhaps someone else may have done it and made it appear as if Assad did it…..but if he really is responsible he needs to pay and has to be stopped.He probably did it to flush out rebels in that town but don’t give me any of that shit about “collateral damage”, these are innocent civilians that are getting killed, just regular people trying to live their lives and raise their families as best they can, and their only “crime” is being stuck in a war-torn country.There is no excuse!!

As well, the 17 YR old got 92 % and 95% on her writing essays for the university exams and should hear back if she got accepted into the writing program in about 2 weeks,and while they were in Ottawa she went by our old house too but didn’t really remember it much, other than the big tree that used to be in the yard that’s since been chopped down but she was only around 4 YRS old when we moved, and her friend that moved to USA is on spring break now and he came here to visit her and 2 of their other friends that also came over and I could hear them talking, laughing,being playful,just hanging out and having fun and it made me smile and happy to hear and reminded me of my own teen YRS, carefree and stress-free, and it occurred to me that this is probably the best time of her life, before she becomes an adult, along with all the stresses, worries, financial pressures, and responsibilities that go with it.

The 13 YR old’s also away at a sleepover with her youth group so I hope she’s still eating her meals and not skipping them being we’re not there to supervise her, and my mother’s away this weekend at a hotel in a nearby town to get away as sort of a mini-vacation as well, and it’s going to be a sort of a diabetic coma weekend as she said she’s going to pig-out on all the foods her doctor’s forbidden, such as eating out at the Chinese buffet, Taco Bell, Tim Horton’s, etc… and with her gone for 2 days I get a break,too, away from her and her meddling, criticism,and overall nastiness, so it’s like a break for me,too!