Self-Portrait.

 Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids. I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so mad, that I yelled in his face, You’re so stupid! That’s NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore! I saw my Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head: what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s real, and what I think is real-life is really just my imagination?

 This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were freezing our asses off  (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

 This  is also one of the most beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. 😀

The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly, Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for you, so you’d shut up!!  and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted  there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced, I can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit. I hate being me. 😦

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.

 

The Daily Bruise: Day 5.

 Day 5 of my epic bruise and it’s still a good one, still a nice purple but it looks smaller and now with more yellow-ish parts mixed in with it, a sign of healing. In real life it looks even better; even more a darker purple; it looks worse in real life than the photo shows. Mighty impressive, I must say.My friend W in Ottawa urges me to go to the doctor but who goes to the doctor for a bruise? Nothing more or interesting new to report. All I basically did today was go for a swim, had a nap ( it was another long, hot, hazy day with the humidex near 40 C) and suntanned, soaking up and enjoying these last weeks left of summer. I also cut my hair.

 Here are also some cool hairstyles I like, the usual Buzz-cut and funky ultra-short styles I like and have myself.

Echo.

 I had my echocardiogram and at first I was worried with the weather it would be cancelled( all school buses here were cancelled and in some places even the actual schools were cancelled) or that we wouldn’t be able to open the van as it had been all frozen over with freezing rain/ice and we couldn’t even open the door but luckily it ended up ok. Over the weekend total we got 10 cm snow and 30 mm freezing rain and then yesterday 30 mm of rain(and flooding) and today it’s supposed to snow! I’m so sick of this shit and have had enough.

I’m glad the technician doing the scan( which is basically an ultrasound of the heart) was a woman and not a dude as my left boob was hanging out of the gown for access and we were talking too and Buddy and the puppies were mentioned and she asked if I chose the fee or a puppy for the stud fee, so I am entitled to it and it is the customary thing to do, and she agreed it was “despicable” and “horrible” the way Patti treated me. The scan itself took 30 minutes and results in about a week.

I had these dreams last night as well: one that Buddy gave birth to the pups (I know that’s one of my dreams that’s NOT going to end up happening in real life!) and another where the hospital calls me and tells me I have to come in right away and be admitted, and to pack a bag; something to do with one of my test results, and it’s implied that I need emergency surgery,and in another I wake up in the hospital after being unconscious for  what appeared to be several hours and I had no memory of what happened and it turned out I had some sort of tumour in my head….

 I also saw this funky hairstyle(here and below) and I just love it and had to put it here. It’s a buzz-cut dyed purple with a flower design shaved into it and then an iridescent mousse rubbed into it.

 I would so love to get this, but the problem is being so short(and being cut every 1-2 weeks) the style would quickly grow out as well as the colour and would to always keep being re-done. Speaking of colour, I dyed my buzz-cut blonde as I was sick and tired of looking at all the grey.The 14 YR old’s also been sick for 3 days and I have really bad heartburn and for the past 3-4 days my stomach pain is back again and bad again(and my ears still throb and hurt,too) even though the meds for my ulcer had been working…. I wonder if maybe it’s not my gastric ulcer back again like I assumed and maybe stomach cancer or something? Having had the ulcer doubles my chance of getting stomach cancer…

I realized as well that all of my dreams ended in failure: my dream to move to L.A; we did move there but due to all the crime we couldn’t stay and ended up moving back, and my dream to find my True Love and marry for love…except none of the guys I ever liked liked me back and so I ended up lowering my standards and settling for the only one that showed the slightest interest in me, and look what I ended up with; someone who doesn’t give a shit about me and emotionally and psychologically abuses me, and I always dreamed of having kids too and I did but it wasn’t anything like I’d hoped, thought, or expected; I had no idea it would be nothing but trauma, fear, stress, and worry; that I wouldn’t get any satisfaction; just grief, and that they’d end up hating me.

I also realized that I never should take my mother’s advice. I always used to ask her opinion and seek her advice, for guidance, what should I do, and another opinion, and such but now see what a mistake that was as she always only ever makes things worse and her advice is always the wrong advice and has bad, and even almost deadly consequences, had I not ignored her and followed my own instincts instead. For example, when the 23 YR old was a newborn was always so scrawny he looked like a plucked chicken,slept more than usual, had a weak cry, and I had to always wake him up to feed him and he was hardly peeing and I was worried he wasn’t getting enough to eat(and you can’t measure breastmilk like you can with a bottle) and my mother said not to worry, he’s small and so are his pees but I knew better; he should have been soaking diapers, so I had a nurse come in and check him and she weighed him and he kept losing weight and she said he was starving and dehydrated,not getting enough milk, and I had to supplement with formula and then he started to gain weight. He would have died if I’d listened to her and followed her advice, and then with the now 20 YR old when he was 7 I had this nagging feeling he had leukemia even though he didn’t have the typical symptoms and she brushed it off as I was just being a worried mother….. but it turned out I was right and I decided, against her judgement, to take him to the hospital,where they said he only had a few days left to live…..Oh, my God, he would have died if I hadn’t gone with my gut, and then there’s Patti; against my better judgement I mentioned the stud fee to her like my mother kept pressuring me to do and she went ape-shit on me and I think that was the beginning of the end of our friendship right there. Now I’ve learned to follow my own promptings and ignore her as she only leads me the wrong way.

Bold, Bald, Badass.

 Going….going….gone! My Buzz-cut is back! I missed it and was bored with my hair and the Buzz-cut best describes me and my personality so I shaved my head again. This is how I feel(and best express) the Real Me. This is me. I look and feel like the most myself with the Buzz-cut. So far anyway no one in my family has even mentioned it, so either they never even noticed, or (more likely) they did but they can’t say anything without being mean so in that case it’s better not to say anything at all than to say something mean. Alot of other people over the years have liked it though, just random people I’ve come across in life from airline staff, to those in medical settings, or clerks in stores, or even just strangers in the street that approach me and say how “cool” it is, how many people can’t pull off a Buzz-cut but it “suits” me, and how much they love it and how they wish they had the courage to do it too but they’re not “brave” enough. Patti says the shaved look isn’t a flattering style on me but let’s face it here, when you look like I do, nothing is a flattering style; I’m still ugly no matter what I do, so I might as well just do what I like and as long as I like it that’s really all that matters, anyway. I am bold, bald, bodacious,and badass.

My friend P (from grade 6) also had her birthday and her and her BF are in Montego Bay to celebrate; what I wouldn’t give to be in Jamaica right now myself… and my former sister-in-law ( she was married to one of my hubby’s brothers) is getting married next year also in Montego Bay; she’s snagged herself a rich guy this time around ( my mother calls it “moving up” or “trading up”) and I was at her last wedding so I hope she invited me again, and then I get to go to Jamaica,’mon! The 16 YR old’s cheerleading squad also came in Second place at a competition in Kingston over the weekend, and just to worry and panic me the 14 and 16 YR old’s ran outside with Buddy to take him out for a walk but didn’t tell me and then they purposely left both front doors open so I’d see it and panic thinking he ran away….just to be cruel, just to mess with me, just to watch me freak out in panic….only their cruel “prank” didn’t turn out so well as I looked out the door and I saw them with him, scurrying down the street and then heard the 16 YR old exclaim, Oh, no, she saw us! My family is toxic. I really need to get out of this place.

Hair I Love.

 I’ve always liked short hair, esp. on myself. That’s not to say that I don’t like long hair, but it all depends on your features and the shape of your face and head and with my long horse-face I look better with it short. I have always loved short funky hair, esp. when it’s a Buzz-cut, ultra-short,shaved, faded, spiky, or a Pixie cut. Here are a few examples of hairstyles that I like. Short is easier to care for and best expresses my free spirit personality. My kids taunt it’s ugly lesbian hair but I do it for me, not for them, and I like it and that’s all that matters.

You Are A Shining Star.

 I shaved my head into a Buzz cut again so once again it looks like how it did in this old photo of me here from 12 years ago,only with more grey. I was bored with my hair and wanted a change so I went for it. It’s also the perfect style to express my free spirit which can’t be controlled or contained. The other day I head a lyric in a song as well You are a shining star… and that’s almost how it makes me feel with my head shaved, just free to express my individuality, my uniqueness, my free spirit, my artistic, creative, funky side. I can never be pretty but I can always be funky and unique,and I am different, a shining star that shines in my own special, unique way, standing out and apart from the crowd. Only the 14 YR old noticed, or at least said anything, though, scowling, Why are you bald? although technically bald would be hairless, with no hair at all. I have hair; it’s just shorn. Now I look and feel like myself again,and it’s good for winter,too: no more hat-hair! It’s also my edgy bad-ass look.

We’re also supposed to get our first snow,and I wish I could hibernate all winter and just sleep it away in my nice cozy warm bed, and I’m at odds with the 16 YR old who insists on wearing this way-too-short micro mini skirt that goes halfway up her thighs and makes her look like a hooker, and even more so when she pairs it with that fuzzy fluffy jacket and I think it’s inappropriate; skirts should at least go to the knee and she gets all snotty, mouthy,and bratty to me saying I want her to dress like a Muslim, and I’m crazy,stupid, retarded, and I don’t know what I’m talking about but modesty is important and I don’t want my kids looking like hookers and I’m surprised my hubby lets her go out looking  like that but as usual he never backs me up and I’m all on my own here(although my mother also agrees it’s way too short and not appropriate) and even though I told her she’s not wearing it she still does, because I have no authority and no one ever listens to me, obeys me, or does anything I say and I’m always vetoed, undermined, and over-ruled . I don’t even know why I had kids. I get no enjoyment, fulfillment, pleasure, satisfaction, joy, reward, gain, love, return, or respect, and all I ever get is all the shit, the trouble, the back-talk, the stress, the hassle, the worry, the fear, the abuse, the disrespect, the hate, the insults, the rudeness, the defiance, the disobedience, the blame, the contempt, the short end of the stick. I want a refund.

This Is Me.

I I did  it! I shaved my head again back to my old buzz-cut style that I miss and I’m glad I did it,too. I love my buzz-cut! I find it very liberating with no hair,and it’s also funky, different, off-beat, and my own signature style. I don’t care if anyone else likes it or not; I did it for me,and (so far,anyway) no one in my family has said anything (if they don’t like it they’re oddly keeping their comments to themselves) but I’m prepared if they do to politely respond with a curt, then it’s a good thing I didn’t do it for you! This style embodies best my style and my free-spirit style, it best reflects my personality, my vibe, my mojo, my individuality, my essence, my being-ness, my rebellious streak, my Up Yours! at society’s idea of what feminine beauty has to be…..it is my statement.

This is me.

 

 I don’t care if other people think it’s masculine, shocking, minimalist, “butch”, androgenous, gross, ugly, manly, trans, dyke, skinhead, radical, extreme, weird, unfeminine, unflattering, etc….(Patti said that she likes me better with hair,too, and I told her, I’m still me either way.) Love me as I am or keep walking. This is the real  me, the raw me, the natural me. I will not hide or apologize for who I am .

This is me.

Also: THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE HIGH ON WEED:

• try to unwrap a Starburst
•  Make a taco
•  Order anything online
•  Try to Printscreen anything

As well, I heard this god-awful noise coming from my mother’s room when she was sleeping but it wasn’t her usual snoring, it was quite indescribable and fear and panic shot thru me as I honest-to-God thought it might have been the death-rattle and that she was dying right there in the room next to me so I went over to check and she could sense me standing there looking at her and she woke up and goes, whaaat??? and the 17 YR old ordered this really pretty gown to go to her BFF’s graduation as well and it’s custom made to her measurements and the dressmaker’s making it just for her! My hubby complained at the price but it was actually a really good price (he just has no idea what those kind of things cost!) and she has $$$$$; she has a job,and besides, she’s young, let her enjoy herself!

Jesus.

 My mother said she had a dream that Jesus came back! She said we were all in this underground bunker thing, as if it were the Apocalypse or something and there was this hole in the ceiling and she saw a nun get sucked up into it….and then Jesus came back, coming down thru that exact same hole! Interesting, and I wonder if it actually means anything or symbolizes anything, such as His return is imminent, or perhaps that He’s coming for someone; that someone in our family is going to die soon,perhaps her, or maybe even me, like I’ve always felt it’s soon, esp.. with the way I’ve been so fatigued, run-down wiped-out, feeling faint, and like all energy and life is just being drained out of me for the past few months….I picture dying and going to Heaven like feeling the warm sun on your face,too, esp. after coming out of a long, cold winter and then starting to see hopeful signs of spring ahead and then you know things are looking up and are going to get better and soon life will be brighter….

As well, the 13 YR old heard my reggae music and she scowled, What’s with that weird Jamaican crap? and I replied, “What do you have against Jamaica?”  and then she goes, why do you sound so offended? and I’m bored with my hair lately too and think it looks like crap and I want a change, and I miss my buzz-cut and am thinking of shaving it again.It’s also the ultimate in easy-care, I-don’t-give-a-shit hair and saves $$$ on hair dye and styling products…and no more hat-hair or bed-head!I know I’ll never be pretty but I can always be unique. I know my family will give me grief over it, insult it, say how “ugly” and “gross” it looks, etc. just like they always do, but they always criticize, hate, and mock everything I do or like anyway, and I’m still always ugly no matter what I do, too, so I might as well just do what I like and what makes me happy, and besides, I’m not doing it for them,anyway, nor do I need their “permission.”.Ignore the haters.  I just have to be sure it’s what I want because it takes 2-3 months to grow it back!

If I Were A Heroine In A Romance Novel…

 “The beautiful bald girl  silently emerged from under the tree and walked slowly into the sunlight, it radiated off her tan skin and illuminated her, still wet from the rain, with droplets of rain running down her face and arms, and soaking thru her shirt. She was a vision to behold, and to him she appeared as a goddess, she was stunning and he was captivated by her unusual and rare exotic beauty for he had never seen a creature so fascinating. She was a wonder to behold, and he was spellbound by her, intoxicated and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. The sun glistened on her still wet skin and she was  glorious, breath-taking, as the sun  brightly shone all around her, rays of sunlight beaming off her, as if she were an evening star.

He got closer and when her eyes met his they both just knew. He gathered her into his muscular arms and drew her close, his heart beating wildly as she fell into his arms, as he kissed her hard on the mouth, her warm breath and feeling her body rise making him even more excited. He had never felt like this before and he was enthralled and intrigued. He kissed her deeply and passionately as it begun to rain again and they melted into eachother’s arms, and they pressed their bodies close and began to slow dance in the rain, laughing, and at that moment he knew that this was the girl he was going to  marry….”

I love my Buzz-cut!!

Buzz Off!

 I was bored with my hair, wanted a change,and missed my Buzz-cut…..so I shaved my head again and have my Buzz-cut  back once again now! It’ll be perfect for hat season soon,too, as I won’t have to worry about my hair getting squished or static by hats; I won’t have “hat-hair” and I also don’t have to worry about bed-head,either! My family hates it of course, but they always  hate everything I do anyway (and I didn’t do it for them) so I might as well just do what’s best for  me and what I want. They don’t think that it’s a flattering look for me but let’s face it, when you’re ugly  nothing is a “flattering” look on you, and I’m still going to be ugly no matter *what* I do, it’s not going to make any difference anyway, and I’ll never be pretty but I can always be unique!

The 13 YR old scowled and sneered disapprovingly, “Why did you shave your head?” and goes to the 15 YR old, “Did you see her  hair?” to which she replied with a snicker, “ What hair?” and they sauntered off laughing but I just ignored them  and my mother never even said a thing initially, maybe it’s “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all” although that’s never stopped her before, and only after a long time later did she say, “Are you bald again? I don’t see any hair!” and I told her, “No, not bald; a Buzz-cut, it’s just hard to see because it’s blonde.” I  like it though as it’s funky, easy-care,and I think it makes my long horse-face not look quite as long and if I want change again I can always grow it later.It’s my hair though and as long as I like it and am happy with it, that’s all that matters, and I did it for  me.

As well, the second-oldest hates living in Toronto; she hates the city, the people, the transit, and the smell (???) but I  loved living in the city(I grew up there) and I still miss it every day and every time I go back there I feel “alive” again; I feel transformed, like the “old” me again, and I’m in my element. Here in “Bumble-F*ck” it feels like something inside me has died, but in the city I come out of my “shell” and I thrive, and something odd as well: I went to the stores trying to find this peach body wash I was looking for but couldn’t find it anywhere and then it made me wonder: does it even really  exist or did I just  dream about it and thought it was real? That happens to me alot, and I have trouble being able to tell what’s real and what’s not; if something  really happened or if it was just a dream. Yup, crazy….I know.