Today’s Musing.
Shattered.
I’m shattered. Once again my family is being cruel to me. I had a problem with sending mail(I used the wrong envelope; the kind with the clear front, and put it in facing the wrong way and didn’t realize it until I’d already sealed it and then couldn’t get it open again) and I was mad at myself for always struggling with everything all the time and life being such a challenge for me with my Asperger’s and my mother yelled, “Stop acting so stupid!” and I explained for the millionth time I have a hard time functioning and she sneered,”Well then it’s a good thing that you don’t HAVE to!” and I told her I wish I COULD and that my greatest wish is to move out and live on my own except with my limits I couldn’t function independently or survive on my own( I don’t understand everyday life skills such as paying bills, taxes, banking, bus routes,etc.) and she also went on how she hates it that I “always repeat myself” even when they tell me to stop when it’s an Asperger’s thing as well and I can’t help it and I don’t like it either and I wish I COULD just cut it out of myself but I can’t. Making me feel even worse about myself than I already do.Then she says that “Lots of other people have it alot worse!”(so much for validation and support!) and I told her,”Lots of other people have it alot BETTER,too!” I have had ALOT of shit, hardship, abuse, trauma,trials,and misfortunes in my life and I have the right to feel the way I do.
As well, the 18 YR old continues to be mouthy, talk back, be disrespectful, and insult me as always. He calls me vile vulgar names like “cunt” and “whore” on a regular basis, mocks and ridicules me, makes fun of my religious beliefs, told my hubby,”She should act her age!” and today REALLY tore into me: when I was speaking he taunted,”Caw,caw!” heckling me like I sound like a crow and when I defended myself he attacked me sneering that I’m “stupid”, “useless”, a “failure”, a “bad mother”, my “kids all hate me”, and I “DESERVED it when my enemy tried to destroy me.” That was the last straw and the worst thing that anyone could have EVER said to me; when my enemy came after me(and we had to move to flee the danger) it destroyed me emotionally and psychologically so badly that I’ve never been the same since and I lost a part of myself that I’ll never get back and I’ll never be the same again. NO ONE deserves what we went thru; NO ONE ,and saying that is as bad as telling me that I deserved for my kids to die. It’s that bad. I agree I AM stupid, a failure, a bad mother, etc. but I DID NOT deserve what my enemy did to me. I was so shattered he would say such a thing I cried like I never have before.It felt like my heart was just ripping out of my chest. What’s wrong with him to say such a thing? What have I ever done to him to deserve him to treat me like this? Why does he hate me so much? Why is he so heartless and cruel?
Both my mother and I want him out.NOW. He’ll be 19 this YR and he’s aimless and has no plans and no contributions; he’s not in school or working and contributes nothing to this family; all he does is play online games all day. We want him to pursue post-secondary education but he has no interests. We want him to get a job but there’s nothing here in this hick-ass town. He lives here rent-free and he treats me like this and I’ve had enough. I’m NOT putting up with this abuse any more.It’s time he gets a job and moves out on his own. Who is HE to call me or anyone else useless? I’ve had 11 kids, raised and homeschooled them,and what has HE done? I refuse to do this anymore and I refuse to be treated like this in my own home and esp. by a freeloader like him. I don’t need this, I really don’t. My life sucks enough as it is and I don’t need him always reminding me of how much of a failure I am, driving me even closer to suicide. I’m already seriously thinking of doing it as it is and now I’m even closer. Why not? What have I got to live for,anyway? I hate my family(and they hate me) and my life and there’s no reason I should just keep on with this day after day after day with no hope of improvement. Every night I pray God takes me in my sleep and every morning I wake up mad I’m still alive. I can’t even begin to describe how miserably unhappy I am and how much I hate and regret my life, and having no support(only blame ,criticism and ridicule) only makes it worse.
I’m shattered and there’s no way to put the pieces back together again.
Today’s Chuckle.
Breaking Amish Brave New World # 2.
In the second episode of “Breaking Amish Brave New World” Abe and Rebecca packed for the road trip to Florida and Abe’s brother Andrew showed up and they were mad as Rebecca doesn’t like him( they said he started a rumour that she’d slept with him and told everyone and in the last series there were whispers that he was the father of her daughter as well although in this episode he referred to her as his “niece”) and Abe and Rebecca were mad and fought with eachother over it,with her angry as well that he’s always supporting his family financially and she ordered him out of the house but he snuck back in and she said she’ll call the police if he comes back again, but Andrew said he just wants to reconcile and for them to be brothers again. Abe said he has to show him and his wife respect, esp. in their own home but then he just left. Abe’s mother also said the bishop came earlier very upset and shunned her for going up to NYC to go after Abe(in the previous series) to bring him home and they shunned her and ordered her to not talk to him or let him into her home as long as he’s married to Rebecca as she’s divorced; he’s not even allowed to visit his own mother and she doesn’t agree as he’s still her son and she loves him.
Before they left Abe and Rebecca also said goodbye to their “Englisch” friends, incl. a guy named Mike who hates Jeremiah as at their wedding his fiancee slept with Jeremiah(but it’s better he finds out then BEFORE he marries her and he’s better off without a slut like that,anyway!) and he said he’ll put him in the hospital if he ever sees him again,with Rebecca saying he’s into some bad things and was in the military but as friends with both him and Jeremiah she feels torn and in the middle. Sabrina said Jeremiah got on her nerves as he was watching her pack and that she needs her space but he didn’t see what the big deal really was or what was going on(she had a little break down; I think she’s just a little unbalanced) and Kate said she loves NYC but never felt assimilated or got used to it and hopes in Florida the group can get to know and understand eachother better yet also worries they’ll fight like they did before in NY and it’ll get crazy and Abe isn’t sure if the Florida trip will bring him and Rebecca closer together or further apart as they left in the RV in the snow with Rebecca commenting she hopes they’ll be closer as they follow their dreams.
As they headed off in the RV Abe and Rebecca picked up Sabrina and Jeremiah and then got Kate and drove thru Maryland with Sabrina saying she doesn’t have anything left back home and doesn’t know what to expect from the Amish community in Florida and Kate said she wants to show the Amish there that she has nothing against them and that her leaving the community wasn’t anything personal.Their first night in the RV was brutally cold and Abe forgot to bring the extra bedding with Jeremiah adding that Amish “suck at road trips” and it was cold and they forgot that they had to hook up to electric, heat, etc. and Sabrina invited Jeremiah to bunk up with her which he declined as he didn’t want to get “tricked”like before. Abe’s mother and sister also decided to head up to Florida to meet up with him as the mother’s health isn’t good and she’s sick of the Amish rules and always being told what to do and isn’t sure if she even wants to stay Amish or not.
The group headed to Washington where they stopped at monuments and other historical landmarks and showed their sad lack of American history,mentioning as well that Amish consider statues to be idols and objects of worship that are forbidden,and Sabrina said it gets on her nerves when the others talk in Deitsch as she doesn’t understand them and feels left out. They were finally happy as they headed south where it was warm, and where they stopped at a Mexican store and Jeremiah went crazy buying fireworks which are forbidden by the Amish,and they stopped overnight at a campground and had to figure out how to pump the waste out of the RV and who was assigned to do it, finally deciding it was Sabrina, and they joked around and heckled her about it reducing her to tears,getting her upset as she’s sensitive and she got a neighbour man to help her pump it out.They liked Georgia although they remarked that it looked “haunted” but were glad it was finally warm at long last, admired the cute town,and went to a cemetery with grand tombstones where Kate compared that Amish cemeteries have humble graves and Jeremiah said his parents’ property actually has a cemetery on it but it’s simple and plain and Sabrina added that it doesn’t matter if the graves are fancy or not as everyone dies and we all have a soul and that death is more important than life.
On impulse Rebecca and Sabrina also went to a psychic(the others stayed behind) even though the church disagrees; Jeremiah saying you aren’t to predict the future, Kate saying it’s the dark arts,wrong,and the occult(which it IS; I agree), and Rebecca said everything the psychic said was true and it made her cry and she felt exposed; the first YR of her marriage is hard with her and Abe struggling and Sabrina was told she’s a lost spirit and that she can’t be happy with anything until she’s happy with herself and she thought that she’s a witch and that it’s occult and it’s inviting the devil into your life(which is true!) and she felt deceived. Abe’s mother and sister also packed and left for Florida to find Abe and the others continued on their journey.
Daily Truth.
Crack Is Whack!
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is now embroiled in a new scandal: there’s a video of him supposedly smoking crack with a couple of drug dealers and a few newspaper reporters have seen it but haven’t been able to verify it. There have been whispers as well that those in his inner circle believe it is real and that it’s a well kept secret that he IS an alcoholic and does take drugs, yet on the other hand his enemies have also been on a non-stop campaign right from the very beginning to smear and destroy him and this may just be more of the same. They use everything they can to try to discredit and attack him, in the hopes of bringing him down. He is the best mayor the city has ever had and it’s made him alot of enemies that will stop at nothing to get rid of him.If it IS true then I suppose he’ll have no choice but to resign(since crack IS a form of cocaine, which is illegal) but we also know that photos CAN be photoshopped and people’s faces can be superimposed onto images and videos can be “doctored” and altered quite easily with today’s modern technology to be made to look convincing.
I’d think if he WAS smoking crack that he wouldn’t be stupid enough to do it with drug dealers(who aren’t exactly the most trustworthy people) that would be witnesses and be able to snitch on him or film him; being the high-profile public figure that he is if he uses drugs he’d be more discreet about it and do it in private; in the privacy of his bathroom in his own home and wouldn’t be so careless to expose himself publically like that,and (no offence) wouldn’t a man of his large size also end up having a heart attack if he was smoking crack? It just doesn’t seem very likely or logical that he’d be doing it or be so reckless about it if he was….
I also think that people’s personal lives are their own business and unless it affects their ability to do their jobs it should have nothing to do with it, so even if he IS an alcoholic or has an addiction problem he shouldn’t lose his job over it, unless, of course, it starts to affect his job performance; if he starts to show up for work late, or misses meetings, is unable to make decisions or keeps delegating everything, etc. but other than that as long as he’s still able to do his job well it should have no bearing on it. I feel badly for the poor guy; people are always after him, there’s always some attack ,some scandal, some lawsuit, people are always picking on him and after him for something. They just never leave him alone or give the guy a break. He’s done alot of great things for the city and kept his campaign promises and is doing what the people want. He’s cutting taxes,debt, and wasteful spending and holding the gov’t accountable and others in the City Council want him gone. He has few friends and countless enemies that are relentless and out to get him. Personally I like the guy and I hope he’s innocent and that he sues them for slander. It would also be a nice touch if he takes a drug test to prove them wrong.
This story has gone viral that even the American CNN news has picked it up,and funny,too: their website’s comments have so many saying how Canada sucks, incl. one that said, ” If I had to live in Canada I’d smoke crack,too!” and they were saying how “No one cares about Canada,anyway!” and how much it sucks, etc. and I was cracking up laughing because it’s TRUE! As for Ford, I don’t know WHAT to think; I’ve always been one of his strongest defenders(and I still am), but I saw the image from the video and even though I want to think he’s innocent it sure does LOOK like him and I remember the recent story where he was kicked out of a charity ball for being drunk and in the photo he was all sweaty and glassy-eyed and DID look drunk…..so now I’m not so sure….but I still DO like what he’s done as mayor,regardless,and it still doesn’t take “away” from all the GOOD that he’s done even if it is true, and I hope he’s just being set up,and it hasn’t been proven to be authentic yet,either,and I hope he doesn’t lose his job either way because he’s what the city needs(despite all the scandals) and he’s doing a good job(which is what really matters, and not his private life) and after all he’s done it would be a shame if his enemies finally succeed in getting rid of him and if he’s remembered as the “Crackhead Mayor” instead of by all the good he’s done..
…and besides, we all have our secrets , hidden “dark” sides, and part of our lives that we keep hidden from the world and don’t want people to know,right?
