The Security System.

SecuritySystem The guy came to fix our security system. Apparantly ever since we got our new Internet and phone the wires got “crossed” somehow and the Internet and security system were on the same line and competing for it, interfering with eachother and the guy had to come and switch it and put them on different lines, so now the Internet has it’s own line. That would explain why lately the Internet’s been acting up going really slow, slow loading, unable to find any sites, disconnecting, and so on. It seems when the security system was running checks it would cut off the Internet, and as for the alarm itself it was able to receive signals in but not send them out so if we pressed the panic button,for example, or one of the alarms was tripped from our house the monitoring station wouldn’t receive it and call for help(not good) AND the control panel also kept beeping signalling there was a remote system failure as it kept trying to locate the tracer of the alarm on our utility trailer that my hubby has for our home business, which he’s had in for repair for the past 2 weeks. Of course he never told ME any of this( that the security system was malfunctioning) as he said I’d freak out… if we’d actually HAD an emergency we’d have had a false sense of security ,too, thinking the alarm was activated and help would be on the way…and it wouldn’t be. Even after it got fixed the alarm went off and the monitoring station called us but wasn’t able to reach us and almost sent the police over thinking it was an emergency. Shit.

As well, I saw my new family doctor and this visit was just so he could get to know me, my medical history, background and family’s medical history. I also asked him for a referral to a psychiatrist as I want to be formally assessed for Bi polar disorder( which I’m pretty sure I have) so if so it can be treated and in doing so he started asking  why, and about all my past and all my traumas, struggles in life, limitations,and emotional damage,and it all just came flooding out about my lifetime of abuse, molestation, victimization, bullying,rejection, repressed pain, thoughts of suicide, why I’m depressed…everything…and once it started it just wouldn’t stop….and it was so unexpected….. and then I just felt so ashamed. I was shaking, sobbing and crying in front of this complete stranger.I just broke down. I don’t know what came over me. It just came out. He was shocked and  alarmed at my fragile emotional state( to say the least) and said he will refer me and wants to see me again himself in 2 weeks to follow up. He also asked if I was thinking of killing myself on the way home(and asked how I would do it; which methods I’ve planned out) and said if I ever feel like that again to go straight to the ER and also gave me a distress number to call. He looked concerned, sad, and like he felt sorry for me. He said I really DO have alot going on, lots to deal with,and when he asked how my family supports me in it and I told him how they berate, belittle, blame and dismiss me he said my home situation “isn’t good” as well. Now I feel so embarrassed though and scared to see him again. I feel like such a dork and so vulnerable and exposed now and I don’t know what came over me and now I’m emotionally drained.

While I was waiting in the office they also had this white trash show playing on the TV as well, something I’d never heard of called “The Test” and these losers were on there taking DNA tests to see who the father of their kids were,and another who’s son drank alcohol at age 3 and smoked marijuana at age 6 and is now a raging addict as an adult and then her and her  adult daughter started punching and hitting eachother right on stage…..real rednecks. I’ve never seen anything like it. I had to turn away it was so revolting. You’d think in a doctor’s office they’d have a medical show on,though, something like “Dr. Oz” or something…..but it IS a redneck town here…..sheesh.


Chihuahua Love.

ChiBlog1 Snuggle up!

ChiBlog2 This one looks just like my Chibby did.

ChiBlog3 The pampered pup! Ahhh…..this is the life!

ChiBlog4 Black beauty.

ChiBlog5 The sweetest picture I have ever seen. Aren’t they just beautiful?

ChiBlog6 My Yuri looked just like this.

ChiBlog7 The face of love.

How I wish I could get another Chihuahua again. So many happy memories of a happy time in my life. I want one to love again.Every day I keep hoping and praying that my hubby and mother will change their mind and let me get one but they never do.It’s like this emptiness that can never be refilled. This one small thing would bring a bit of happiness into my dull life and give me some purpose but they deny me even that. Chihuahuas are small but they love BIG!

Aunt Flow.

AuntFlow I hate Aunt Flow. It came again and 3 days early again, too, just as it has 3 to 4 days early for the past several months. My last doctor told me when it starts to do that( to change patterns) that it means menopause isn’t too far off and I sure HOPE so! Hopefully it is as it’s also been shorter in duration as well; lasting 4-5 days instead of the usual 7 days but it’s still just as heavy; I soak thru( even being plugged up) and bleed like a stuck pig. I remember how I was “late” starting it as well; I was 13 1/2 and the last of my friends to get it. I was a skinny, scrawny underdeveloped little kid. I was so embarrassed and even thought I was missing my “woman parts”. I was so concerned that I even wrote to an advice columnist in the paper and she replied not to worry; that everyone develops in their own time; some sooner, and others later. I felt like a freak and even “faked” it to my friends once pretending that I had it; I  put red paint on a pad and told them I finally got it. A few months later I finally did. Now I don’t need it anymore I’m done having kids. It was a necessary annoyance before but now I’m too old for this shit. I don’t need the bloating, the cramps, the back pain, the headaches, the swelling, the leaking, the PMS, etc. I just want to cut my uterus out myself. I think my 10 YR old will have hers start before the 12 YR old as well as she’s already starting to develop( and wears deoderant) but the 12 YR old isn’t and she’s still flat. I’ve had the stupid thing for 34 YRS now and I’m DONE! It can STOP now, thankyouverymuch.

As well, we drained the fetid “swamp” water off the pool cover but it tore and exploded and the water all went into the pool water( drained down lower for the winter and will be filled higher up later for summer)down below so now it’s all filthy and black and even with vacuuming and scooping with the net I don’t know HOW we’re EVER going to get it clean and we can’t just drain it all out and refill it all as it’ll cost 900$ or so which we can’t afford, and I found out the lady with the Dachshund that walks by that I talk to(I saw her yesterday) her name is “Patti” so now I don’t have to refer to her as “The Lady With The Weiner Dog” anymore, the kids went for a bike ride but I don’t as I’m not a good rider; I’m wobbly, and I forgot to take my hearing aids out when I had a bath(I forgot they were in) because I’m stupid like that but I don’t THINK they got wet and seem ok….

The 12 and 14 YR olds also babysat a friend’s 2 kids, the 10 YR old said she was going to “blow up a hippo” and I said “Blow UP a HIPPO? How COULD you?” but she actually meant inflate….I thought she meant as in explode, my hubby said at work some asshole filed a complaint as the “error” message they got was only in English and not in French so now the company has to waste thousands of $$$$$ to make one in French as well  as that’s the law; everything has to be in BOTH official languages (I said if I was them I just would have said, “This isn’t Quebec, so who GIVES a shit!!”) because this stupid country regulates everything, is petty and wastes $$$$ on the stupidest littlest things, and when I told the kids I don’t want them to be rednecks and that I expect more from them the 15 YR old said, “We live in THIS town, what do you expect?” and I told him that’s still no excuse; you still don’t have to be like everyone else and don’t have to follow the crowd and be like sheep that mindlessly follow the herd!