Final Post. :(

Screenshot_1057 I’m tired of my blog  being monitored, censored, edited, and deleted by assholes in my shitty family, most likely my hubby, since I know for a fact that he does monitor everyone’s Internet activity, incl. getting copies of everything of everyone’s e-mail , plus he’s in the computer business and can go thru backdoors and hack in and get around passwords and other security measures to access accounts and censor ,alter,and delete stuff so I suspect it’s most likely him doing it, always trying to exert power, dominance, control and “punishment” over me, but he’s also taught the kids how to hack as well so it could be any of them, but regardless it makes me feel violated, betrayed, under siege, threatened, unsafe, and angry, so this will be my last post on this blog.

I’m sick and tired of my toxic family and their sabotage and I’m taking away this opportunity for them to destroy something I love so in order to protect it I’m going to let it go. Anyone that matters still will find a way to keep in touch and be able to find me. My family follows this blog, knows about it,tries to censor and limit what I say, interfere,and I don’t feel like I have free speech so I have to find another  secret outlet where I can freely speak my mind and express myself that they won’t know about.They’re never going to shut me up or control me. It’s sad though as I’ve been dedicating myself 10 years to this blog and I enjoy it, put alot of work, time and effort into it and really enjoyed it, but once again my toxic family has ruined something else for me.

 

Screenshot_1058 So I leave you with these last final thoughts:

Screenshot_1059

Thanx for reading.

The Storm.

Screenshot_906 Wow, that was sure some storm that we had! It started at 5:30 am and it woke me up the thunder was so loud! I woke up suddenly, startled, What the hell was that noise? and then I saw the lightening and I realized, Oh, it’s just a storm! I was surprised though as it just suddenly came out of nowhere, even rain wasn’t forecasted, and this was a big storm; 100 KM wind, torrential rain, and strong loud thunder and lots of lightening. Poor Buddy was so scared he was shaking and trembling and whining and I held him close and rocked him but once he got the chance to escape he ran for it and hid under the bed. It lasted over an HR at least, I’m not entirely sure as I went back to sleep but I later learned that it also woke up pretty well everyone else in the house too and the 17 YR old said it even shook her room and one of the neighbours told me later that it shook his entire house!

Screenshot_901 We’re still having the heatwave as well, likely for an entire week. It’s so hot I can’t be out in the backyard for long as that’s where it’s always the hottest. Now I have to mainly stay at the front on the veranda where it’s shady, cooler and breezier(another thing I’ll miss about the house if we move,too!) thanx to our big Maple tree at the front of the house, but after awhile it even got hot there,too. That’s how you know it’s really hot when it’s even hot at the front. Today’s even supposed to get up to 35 C and feel like 45 C. That’s just insane. I will definitely need a ride to church today as it’s way too hot to walk. I like the heat but this is even too hot for me. It was even 30 C at 9 am and I could only do my suntan for 45 minutes it was just too oppressively hot; I was melting out there!

I also had these weird dreams: North Korea is still doing it’s nuclear program, only underground, and I mean literally under ground, beneath the ground where no one can detect it,and that would serve Trump right if they really were though; he would be shown such a fool, ha,ha, and another that Armageddon is really soon, that it’s close and Jesus will return soon. I also checked online and it looks most likely that the hard rubbery lump(it’s like if you cut a small grape in half) under Buddy’s eye is most likely a lipoma; a fatty tumour, which is also common in older Dachshunds and is harmless. Oh, I sure hope that’s all it is. I tried to squeeze it in case it’s a cyst I could pop, drain,and deflate, and he didn’t seem to mind and he let me manipulate it, so it doesn’t appear to be hurting him at all. I guess if it gets too big or uncomfortable for him I could freeze and sterilize the area and lance it with a sharp pin or something to drain it, other than that, just leave it alone and keep an eye on it.

I also realized now that the year is already half over and I was hoping that this would be my year; the year that I finally find happiness and love, when I start over, begin a new life, free from my toxic family, yet here we are already in July and still nothing. I’m really discouraged and disappointed and I seriously fear it’s just never going to happen and likely never meant to happen, and that I’m just going to plod thru my miserable, unhappy, lonely life longing for happiness, love,and freedom that I’m never going to have and feeling a loss for something I’ll never be able to attain, that will always be out of my reach even though it’s also my greatest wish and I hope to experience before I die. Only 6 more months left to go of this year now and nothing’s changed in that department;my hubby and I are still “unevenly yoked”, I’m still stuck in this toxic environment with a family that doesn’t love or value me, and I haven’t met the Love of my Life yet(unless I have but I just don’t realize it yet?), so it doesn’t look too hopeful that anything’s going to change any time soon or that there’s any progress being made…. all I can do is wait, but it seems like that’s all I can do, all I ever do, and have been doing, but with no results but I continue to trust in God and wait for His timing in my life even though at times it all just seems so hopeless….

6 Months.

Dec.2018 I was just thinking today about how different our lives will be like in 6 months. We will likely be living somewhere else, in another city/town, in a new house. Will my mother even still be alive by then? Will I ? This will be my last summer here in this house, in the backyard I love.I’m really going to miss it. There will be no more Christmases here in this house and this upcoming Christmas will be at our new house. I’ll be attending a new church. My mother and I will have new doctors(assuming, of course, we can even find any that are available and taking new patients, that is) we will have all new neighbours and live in an entirely new and different place. It will be such a big and drastic change from how it is now and life will be so much different. All in just within 6 short months. I have no idea when we’ll move, but my feeling tells me likely sometime around September-October. I also had a dream moving day will be on a Friday. The roofer fixing our eavestroughs also said a couple of times that he might be interested in buying our house,too, so if he does (and we get enough $$$$ to move elsewhere) it will certainly save alot of hassle of having to put the house up on the market and paying realestate agent fees; we’ll just need the lawyer.

I also wonder in 6 months if I will finally have a free independent life away from my toxic family and if I’ll ever find love and happiness. I keep hoping and praying that there’s a “male version” of me out there somewhere; someone that will have the same interests and sense of humour that I do ,and share the same values, that will look beyond my appearance and see something inside me that he desires and loves,someone that will love and cherish me, treating me with kindness instead of contempt; that my soulmate  really does exist and is waiting out there somewhere for me, that it’s never too late and one is never too old to find love, be happy, and to start over again. It’s exciting to think that in just 6 mere more months I can potentially have an exciting new life, even though change is scary,too. Perhaps that’s maybe even why God’s prompting us to move; maybe I have to be somewhere else to meet The One that’s meant for me, and for me to begin a new life? God always has a reason for things, even if we don’t see it at the time.

As well, my mother says she’s still in pain with her back, even though she also does have times where she’s completely pain-free, but when the pain comes she says it’s really bad and rates it a 10/10 on the pain scale and all she can do is lay down on the couch all day in the one same position (where it doesn’t hurt; she has to find that sweet spot) and now she’s all stiff and sore, and she groans that she Can’t live like this and Can’t function, and I’m the one taking over all the stuff she normally used to do now,too, yet despite complaining about the excruciating pain she refuses to do anything about it though and refuses to take any painkillers. I offer her weed, Tylenol 3 and Tramadol that I have and she won’t take anything….so then why is she complaining about the pain if she won’t do anything about  it? My hubby also sneers I sound like a drug dealer, trying to push drugs on her, but I figure why suffer needlessly when you don’t have to? Why not take something for pain relief when that’s what’s it’s for? Why is she torturing herself? I think she just likes to complain and is punishing herself. She just likes to make things more difficult than they have to be.

The Job.

Job My hubby got a job, and it’s in the same company too so the drug and dental coverage still continues on, uninterrupted. He didn’t get the other one he thought he would even though he was the most qualified just because the other guy was bilingual even though he wasn’t as qualified. It’s not right. Once he said he would relocate he got lots of interviews. This one though is similar to what he’s been doing for 12 years though and involves the Unix computer program which he says is what basically runs the Internet. The only bad thing though is that we’ll have to move as he won’t be able to work remotely from a home office anymore like he did before and will have to go into the office every day so we’ll have to move closer to where that is and the company has a few openings in several places so we can choose, either near Toronto, Montreal, London(the one in Ontario, not the cool one in the UK), or Ottawa.

Ottawa is out of the question due to our past there, and so is Montreal as Quebec is known to be the worst for homeschooling; very hostile and intimidating to homeschoolers there, so that leaves the other three, and my mother said she prefers to be near Toronto, but the only problem with that is the obvious: we can’t afford the houses there. I was searching online in the surrounding areas to see what was available and the only things I could even find in our price range were apartments and townhouses which are out of the question and not even an option; all the detached houses started at a million and only went up from there. Holy shit, we can’t even afford half that! My mother and I would prefer Kingston,actually, as we like it there and they have nice homes in the style we like and when I checked online they were affordable and I found a few I liked that were within our range, and it’s only an hour from here so we could still keep our same doctors, but his company doesn’t have a location there…..shit….they have international locations though; too bad we can’t move overseas! Now that would be an adventure and I’d finally get out of this shit-hole country I hate! I really don’t know what we’re going to do, but I also know that God always provides and it only takes the one right house,so things will eventually work out I suppose, or at least I hope…

The 16 YR old’s being really bitchy, snotty, bossy, snarky, and snippy about it as well, insisting that her and the 15 YR old are the ones that get to pick out, choose and decide which house we buy, not my mother and I, even though we own this house and will be the ones selling it and buying the new one, so we have the final decision and they’re the kids, NOT the adults, and it’s not up to them. I don’t know who they think they are, but we pick out the house and they just have to live with it, like it or not, and then she starts getting all snarky and mouthing off that  don’t have any say and no one cares what I think and I’ll probably just pick out some ugly old crackhouse and if I don’t like what they pick I can just stay here, etc, really bratty and mouthy, it was unreal, but the reality is that it will be my mother and I that will be the ones going around with the realestate agent looking at places and deciding, and besides, they’ll only be at home for a few more years anyway(2-3 years or so) and then they’ll be gone but we’ll be there until we die, so we want to have a house that we like, and not just something that we settled for or that we’re “forced” to live in and don’t even like, esp. costing so much $$$$. We don’t even want to have to move in the first place as it’s always such a hassle and so stressful; we at least want to like where we live and have it meet our requirements and be something we want. My kids are such assholes. They get it from my hubby.

Metaphors Of Life.

windPalms The wind. When I was out in the sun tanning earlier in the day a strong wind came by and it was chillier in the morning and the wind made it colder and it bothered me and I wanted it to stop, yet later on as the sun got hotter the cool strong breeze was a welcome relief and I was glad for it and then the thought occurred to me: the wind was still the same, only the way I was looking at it had changed; it was still the same strong cool wind it was before, only my perspective had changed and I saw it differently even though it was still the same thing it now affected me differently and it got me thinking about trying to apply that concept in life in general: not in all cases, of course, esp. the more extreme ones, but in some circumstances, can simply changing one’s perspective, the way you look at a situation and react to it, make all the difference between something happening in your life being a good thing or a bad thing?  It is what it is, but the way you react and respond to it changes everything?

Like with my hubby losing his job, for instance. We see it as a bad thing; what will we do for $$$$, how are we going to pay the bills, what about drug coverage,do we have to move, etc… but maybe if we try and look at it in another way it’s not so bad; maybe instead it’s just a time of change, of growth, of opportunity, or perhaps even to force us into a necessary change according to God’s plan that we wouldn’t have ordinarily done otherwise and we needed a push? Maybe this is the beginning of a new career path or opportunity for him, perhaps, the incentive we need to move, to downsize, or maybe even my opportunity to  break free of my toxic family and start a new life separate from them? Maybe this is an answer to my prayers of getting out of this toxic environment; perhaps if my hubby moves elsewhere and we stay here, for example, or if the family separates into two separate units and ends up living in two different places, etc…. who knows? Perhaps this will lead my hubby to an even better job elsewhere that he wouldn’t have had otherwise if he hadn’t have lost this one? Instead of it being an end, perhaps it’s a new beginning? Maybe it’s time for change?Maybe what feels stressful and uncertain now will end up being an improvement and blessing later?

I’m going to try this. The wind is like a metaphor of life. It got me thinking if I just try and change my perception that if maybe things can be seen differently, in a different light, from another angle, approached from a different way, viewed from another lens, from another point of view, a different perspective, it might help. This will be very difficult for me though I know as with my Asperger’s I am very rigid in my thinking and I can only  ever think one way or come up with one option as opposed to having more than one solution or way of seeing things and I see things in black and white but I’m going to give it a try. This realization was very enlightening. Instead of trying to change what it is, try and change the way I see it; like the wind; it stayed windy the entire day, that never changed, but what was at one time seen as unwanted and annoying was just shortly later welcomed and appreciated. It hadn’t changed, but the way I was looking at it had.

The Pepperoni.

Pizza So my hubby and the kids ordered pizza last night when I was in bed and this time they actually remembered to save me a slice. Often they forget, or they save me the smallest, dinkiest piece ever.This time though, it only had one pepperoni on it and all the others had been all picked off and I could tell as there were still imprints left indented on the cheese where they had been. I was mad(because I always get the crap) and when I asked my hubby what happened to all my pepperoni he just shrugged, You don’t even like pepperoni! but I told him he knows that I always pick mine off and give it to Buddy who loves it and he goes , It fell off…. and then said it was “payback” for when I plucked a pepperoni off the 11 YR old’s pizza he’d left out on his place setting at the table and gave it to the dog……even though he also failed to mention that it was left out there all night, out in the open, not in a bag, container or in any other protective covering and it was all hard and plastic-like and he wasn’t going to eat it and it would have just been thrown out anyways and I wanted to make sure Buddy got it before my mother tossed it out for the squirrels…..

That didn’t matter though; it was just an opportunity for him to get in a little “dig” at me, to be mean, to hurt me, to be an asshole,a shit-disturber, just to piss me off, like he always does and like how he always looks for,and jumps at, every little chance he can find to use to annoy me, only I was having none of it and then I just went and took a piece of pepperoni off a slice of his pizza that he was saving for his lunch and put it back on mine; just taking back what was mine, what he took from me…..and he was FURIOUS! He was yelling at me,berating me,calling me names, and really mad, so it’s ok that he did it to me but he didn’t like it when I did it back to him? Then he threatens that next time they get pizza he won’t save me any more, no more pizza for me,I’m a bitch, etc…. blah, blah, blah…. I don’t know who he thinks he is, but I’m not letting him treat me like that or control me like that. He’s not getting away with that shit. He’s such an asshole, and I don’t really want to say that I hate anyone, but he sure comes close, and is the one person that I severely dislike the most in the world. I have to get out of here. Please God, get me out….get me out of here….

The plumbers also came and fixed the leaking toilet pipes that dripped thru the ceiling and were luckily able to fix it the “quick fix” using a replacement part in just 3 hours for just over 300$. They said they weren’t sure at first if they could, and if not they’d have to tear out and replace the plumbing in the entire third floor which they said was not up to code once they started tearing further into the ceiling and exposed it when the third floor addition was put on long before we bought it and moved in and it would all have to be torn down and rebuilt,not only the plumbing but the entire third floor, costing thousands and thousands(when we just had a 2 bedroom addition put onto our old house it was 40K just for that but that was when we used to have $$$$), which, of course, we don’t have (and my bedroom’s up there,too, can you imagine going months without a bedroom?), and now I’m also wondering is it safe? maybe that’s why we have so many cracks and bulges in our walls and ceilings? Is the house structurally unsound? Is the foundation sinking and the house will eventually collapse or something if it hasn’t been built properly, will the third floor come crashing down onto the others?…..oh, shit, and I did notice a small sink-hole at one side of the house on the other side of the fence and the fence is leaning inwards,and how are we ever going to be able to sell it now? With our luck the entire house will likely get sucked into a gigantic sink hole….

My mother also always makes my hubby a special, separate meal when he doesn’t eat the same meal as the rest of us as if he’s royalty or something even though it’s not a restaurant and you eat what’s served or you go without(or get your own), except for him; she makes his own special stuff because he’s so picky and when I asked about it she coos, I take care of everyone when in actual fact what she really does is meddle, interfere and  take over everything,always with an ulterior motive, all the while acting like she’s some sort of martyr, and she goes out of her way and bends over backwards for my hubby,too, almost as if she’s trying to “win” him over, or impress him,getting him to take her “side”, and it’s so weird the way she treats him more like a son than she’s ever treated me like a daughter and how the two of them always stick together and gang up on me,scheming, and he’ll never stand up to her, either, or take my side or support me(and neither will she against him); it’s like they’re 2 evil partners in crime and I’m always the odd one out. He even tries to sabotage my bond with Buddy now too; he’ll purposely contradict any command I give him(eg. I tell him to Stay! and he’ll call him to Come!) to confuse him,lure him away from me, and to over-rule me and piss me off. I hate my toxic family. I wish I could just go away and never come back.

Mr. Mouse.

MouseInGarbage Look what we found when we opened up the lid on our garbage can. Look really closely, in the middle, can you see it? It’s really dark in there so the photo isn’t too bright .It’s a live mouse! It’s just the cutest little thing(brown on top, white underneath) and my guess was that someone opened up the lid and it scrambled in and then the lid was shut and it got trapped in there(at least it has lots of food) but as it turned out my hubby had caught it in a mousetrap and thought it was dead, then guessed it was probably just sleeping( he seriously can’t tell the difference between something sleeping or dead? Really? I could tell even when I was just a kid!) and removed it from the trap and dumped it in the garbage can.So now we have a mouse in the garbage can and everyone’s scared to open it up so we have this live mouse in there no one knows what to do with. My hubby said to flush it down the toilet but that’s just cruel. I suggested just picking it up and tossing it back outside…then they freak out, Noooo, it’ll just find it’s way back inside!

The 11 YR old also entered a spelling bee and came in third, but only because the word was a homophone and he didn’t know which version it was(he should have asked for it to be used in a sentence) and he spelled the wrong one, and the 23 YR old painted the veranda railing only he did it in white because it was the cheapest paint, only 20$ as compared to the coloured ones that were 50$ even though it looked better the colour it was before( a burnt reddish/brown) and I thought would stay the same colour, as with the white columns it needs some contrast and now all white it looks like shit. My hubby and the girls were also talking and I interjected a comment and he growled at me that I was butting-in my opinion, like anything I have to say isn’t wanted, welcomed, valued, or appreciated, even though I was just trying to add to the conversation, be included and show interest in what they were talking about….but I got shut down like always.

I also failed again last night at yet another suicide attempt. This time I took alot of Benadryl and Trazodone  which certainly by all accounts should have worked and I even took an anti-nauseant to make sure I wouldn’t barf them up…. yet nothing and I was angry, dismayed,pissed-off, and disappointed to still wake up this morning and find myself still alive yet again. I’m such a failure and nothing ever goes right or works out for me I can’t even kill myself properly. I don’t know why God doesn’t just take me though, why He keeps me alive and keeps prolonging my suffering, pain,and misery. I can’t go on any longer and want to find peace. I also hate myself and my life and my toxic family and the way they treat me; it’s all just so hopeless and I can’t keep on doing this anymore. What’s the point? I can’t even think of one reason why I shouldn’t kill myself(and they’d be glad to be rid of me,too, so everybody gets what they want)….and I keep trying and trying and pray every day to God I die….but it never works! What plans does God possibly have for my life to keep me here, despite my best efforts to finally just end it all?Maybe He just hates me, like everyone else.

As well ever since I woke up today I’m really dizzy and feel like I’m going to faint and have to keep sitting down( it’s always worse when I change positions,too, like getting up standing after laying down or sitting) and I get double blurry vision and also see these black “spots” and “lines” out of the corner of my eyes, and my chest, arms,and upper back feel heavy and weak and I keep coughing.My stomach and abdomenal pain is bad too. Chronic pain is just a part of my daily life. The neighbours 2 houses down from us also put their house up for sale, moving back to Newfoundland in July, and I met the new owner of D’s old house; she seemed nice and has a Basset Hound that’s 12 just like Buddy!