Here I am, dressed , prepped and waiting for my MRI, which I had yesterday. This time it only took about 15 minutes, I guess since they were only focusing on one specific part ( liver and bile duct) whereas the other times it took much longer, an hour or so, but it was a full-body scan. I’m glad I changed socks before I left too as the original ones I was wearing had holes in the heels and it reminded me of what my great-grandmother on my mother’s side always used to say, to make sure you never go out with holes in your underwear in case you get in an accident and then at the hospital they’ll see it and think you’re poor. The hardest part is to keep still and not move the entire time so I just went off to my Happy Place and pretended I was on the beach in the Caribbean by the ocean, under a palm tree, in the sun. Being enclosed and strapped in the capsule like that also seemed to Sci-Fi as well and made me feel like I was about to be launched off into space somewhere and there was also this grey line that went all the way down the middle of the tube along the top and it made me wonder if it’s there for some functional reason or just to give us something to look up at while we’re entombed in there although most of the time I kept my eyes shut.
During some the test I felt a warmth on my belly and lower back and also cramping in my belly and a burning feeling in my back and abdomen, sort of like when you get a sunburn. I was worried as well it may affect my new tattoo or my manicured nails but it was fine; I didn’t end up getting stuck to the inside of the MRI walls like a magnet on a fridge or anything like that. They said they got lots of good images as well so hopefully they’ll see whatever’s there causing my liver issues, if something’s stuck in a bile duct, for example, or any masses on the liver. Waiting for my ride home I also sat and observed everyone limping and hobbling into the ER and I tried to image what they were in for, and the worst of it was I couldn’t eat or drink up to 3 hours before and I was so thirsty (I dehydrate really easily) I felt like a dried up cactus in the desert, all withering away.
On the way back I also asked my hubby to help me bring in the empty garbage and recycling that was left after pick up, that we each take half and bring it in, and I couldn’t do it all as my arms were full and he refused to help me and snorted, Just make 2 trips! He’s such an asshole and certainly no gentleman and he always does this and makes me do it all myself and never helps. My mother ordered in a pizza last night as well(and never the kind that I like but always only the one my hubby likes) and only gave me 1 slice even though she gave the 10 year old 2 slices and my hubby got 4 slices and when I said it was unfair (I get 2 slices and save one for my lunch the next day) she smirked, I paid for it! and she’s always done that, used money as power and control over people and using it to punish and reward people that she likes or doesn’t like and it made me feel like a Second Class citizen in my own home. I’m always the last, the least important, the one left out, given the least; it makes me feel like a dog, being given the crap, the left-overs, the gross parts, the small pieces, the scraps, the morsels left from everyone else….the after thought…
The 16 YR old also mocked and jeered that I was “jealous” about the pizza when really I just want it to be fair and to just be included and treated like everyone else and not inferior, second-class, the one who gets whatever’s left over after the ones that matter eat first. Then she taunted me, At least I’m pretty and people like me, unlike some people! (referring to me)Bye-bye,loser! and I told her, You’re not as pretty as you think you are ( she needs to be humbled) and at least I have ethics! It really concerns me how mean she is; she’s just so full of herself, so shallow, vain and mean, like the Mean Girls in school that look down on and bully everyone else, which she does; she’s always going around saying how pretty she is and how everyone else is ugly and “beneath” her. With me being bullied for years in school that’s NOT how I raised her; it’s not right to talk to anyone like that, let alone your own mother, and my hubby never says anything because he treats me and talks to me the same way; that’s where the kids learned it from. They constantly put me down, insult me, call me names, make fun of my appearance, bully me and generally treat me like shit and then they wonder why I regret having kids, hate my family and life, am miserably unhappy,and want out…… The thought also came into my head: Anyone you meet could be your potential soul-mate…. I just hope God sends whoever it is into my life soon…I desperately need someone to show me life can be worth living again and that I’m worth loving.
I’m pissed-off as well I miss all my TV shows for an entire month because of the dumb Olympics, taking over all the TV networks and it’s not right that everyone should be disrupted and miss their regular shows; not everyone cares or watches that crap. They should put it on TSN so whoever wants to watch it can pay for it and watch 24 hours a day if they want but the rest of us aren’t disrupted and still get to watch our shows,too. That way it’s fair and everyone’s happy. That’s one of my biggest pet-peeves: missing my regular shows because of some stupid sporting event! Why does that shit always take priority, anyway? What about the rest of us, that aren’t rednecks and don’t give a rat’s ass about sports?
This makes me happy. Sunflowers always put a smile on my face and I was sad to see that the house on the way to church that always has the sunflowers every year is now empty with a Dumpster in the driveway so the people are gone and there won’t be any more sunflowers anymore for me to enjoy. My beauty’s been taken away. The 14 year old gleefully laughed and said it’s “karma” because she’s mean that way and likes to see me upset. That’s just how my family is; they’re toxic and delight in my misery, unhappiness,and suffering. Between the way they emotionally abuse and bully me, all my medical issues, having no love or support, and struggling financially, along with the brokenness and damage from a life filled with abuse, trauma, rejection, bullying, misery, tragedy, suffering, pain,and always feeling unloved, unworthy, worthless, and a failure with no hope for it ever getting any better or any way of escape I just can’t take it anymore or keep doing this.I just want out. I don’t feel like I’m giving up, but rather I know when I’ve had enough and I know when it’s time to let go.
Well, it’s a new year, it’s now 2018 already and I’m still here, I’m still alive. If I’m going to die while I’m 50 I only have a few mere days left though as I turn 51 in just 3 more days… my mind has already gone though and it’s been long gone for awhile; I forget and leave the oven on, I go into a room and then immediately forget what I went in for, I put an item down and then leave and forget where I left it, such as my drink or my iPod, I take pills thinking it’s time for more thinking it must be 4-6 hours later but it’s only been an hour and accidently overdose myself, etc.. my memory is shit. My health isn’t so good either and has been steadily declining over the past 2 years. My liver and kidneys are failing and possibly my heart as well. I have bad abdomenal pain and unusual bleeding. I have a head injury, I’m also so run-down exhausted tired, fatigued,and listless. I have zero energy, etc… I feel like I’m fading away.
There was a big fight at our house yesterday. My mother had accused the 23 YR old and his GF of not washing their dishes during the night and leaving them in the sink and told them it’s time they moved out and found a place on their own and he said it’s the 16 YR old’s job to wash them as doing dishes is her chore that she gets paid allowance to do but my mother and hubby said she doesn’t do them all night and if they’re up all night and use dishes then they have to wash their own. The 16 YR old said she saw his GF washing her dishes, and she was hurt to be falsely accused and I can understand that; I’m always being wrongly accused and blamed and faulted for everything all the time and I hate it and I’m sick of it. She got really upset and then my mother just blows it off( like she always does when she’s mean and hurts people, deflecting the blame away from herself) If she gets this upset just being told to do dishes I’d hate to think how upset she’d be if I actually said something mean! and I told her maybe she’s sensitive( like I am; I’ve been criticized, put down, bullied, and picked on so much in my life now any criticism, even the smallest thing, shatters me) and she still felt hurt by it, no one likes to be wrongly accused of something they didn’t do, and she(my mother) should stop being so mean to people. As for the dishes, all I know is when I wake up in the mornings is that I can never find utensils or cups for breakfast but I have no idea who‘s leaving the dirty dishes out all night and not washing them.
After my hubby kept hitting me (and it kept increasing harder and harder) yesterday during our fight over the car radio and I really had some time after to think about it, the impression came into my head I’m being abused. Emotional abuse has now become physical abuse. It’s escalating. (although there were a couple of times before,too, over the YRS, where he’d roughly and forcefully grabbed my arm and twisted it hard when he was mad at me about something but generally his abuse is emotional, mental, and psychological….which, BTW, is bad enough, it’s life-sucking, soul-crushing and draining)
I got this cute hippo from my hubby for Valentine’s Day. I called her Valentina. (yes, I do give all my stuffed toy hippos names, ok?) but it wasn’t as romantic as you might think or may have been hoping. In fact we were at the drug store picking up my prescription and because we had to wait I was looking at the Valentine’s Day stuff aisle and saw this adorable pink hippo with hearts so I picked it up, hollered over to my hubby, “Here! This is my Valentine’s Day gift!” and tossed him the hippo……and that was it. So much for romance. HA!
I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day anyway as before I hated it as it used to be a painful reminder of what I didn’t have : love and romance and probably never would….and now it’s still a sad reminder of what I don’t have, plus the loss of an illusion,too; that I never did get that “fairytale” love, romance,and marriage that I’d always wanted, hoped for,and dreamed of, and that my desire to have a family was a dream that turned into a nightmare.Instead, I ended up in an unhappy, loveless marriage, and still longing and dreaming for a romance that never materialized, and likely never will, and today is just like rubbing salt into the wound.
There’s an aviation term used once you reach beyond a certain point while flying where it becomes The Point Of No Return, where you can no longer go back to where you started if a problem should arise, but, rather, you have to go forward, towards your destination,and continue on, perhaps as you wouldn’t have enough fuel to return, or you’re flying in the middle of an ocean, for example, and you can’t turn around and go back from this point onward, you have to keep moving forward, you can’t change your mind and go back, and you have to stick with your plan. A certain “line” has been crossed and you can’t move beyond it, and that’s how I feel with my toxic family. I’ve just had enough of their exclusion, cruelty, ridicule, belittling, mocking, provoking, and emotional abuse. It feels like I have reached The Point Of No Return.
Even for Christmas only 2 of the kids even cared enough to get me gifts, and it’s not the gifts themselves I’m concerned about here but rather the thought put into them and the love that inspires you to get the gift in the first place, that someone was thinking of you,and I got all the kids gifts(since I had some $$$$ this YR) yet only 2 cared enough to think of me, and the “weed” calendar the second-oldest got me I’m still not even quite sure if she got it because she thought I’d like it……or if it was mocking me(with my family I can never tell)…and the 20 YR old and 9 YR old also gave presents to everyone except me,too, in a deliberate snub,and it’s just mean to purposely exclude someone anyway but even more so on Christmas! Christmas is supposed to be a time of giving, sharing, love, and harmony, NOT exclusion, rejection, hate, and revenge.
I’m thinking of maybe doing myself in again. The suicide feelings are back again. Your heart, spirit, and soul can only be broken so many times.I just can’t keep doing this.I want my family to see what they do to me, the damage they cause,how it makes me feel, and to know how serious it is.
Certain people in my family don’t like what I say about them on this blog, which they refer to as my “stupid blog”. They accuse me of “lying” about them, having an “exaggerated reality” and being “delusional” but in actual fact I just say what happens, what really goes on, and how it makes me feel, from my perspective. It’s also a way for me to vent, and is a form of therapy in a way,too, to get my feelings out, an outlet, and of course it’s from MY point of view because I’M the one *writing* it; who else’s perspective would it be from? They’ve even threatened to delete my blog because they don’t like what I write, thereby censoring me, taking away my freedom to write what I like, to express myself,speak the truth about how I’m treated, to vent, and taking away something I put a great deal of work into, more of that control, power, and threats my family uses over me but it’s really this simple: if they don’t like what I say about them then they should stop treating me like shit and stop being such assholes….and if they don’t like what I write then they don’t have to read my blog.
I also seriously planned on killing myself last night, sick and tired of my toxic family and how they treat me and how they make me feel but I didn’t have enough codeine; I would have needed 800 mg to do the trick and I didn’t have anywhere near that amount. Doesn’t it “figure?” Just MY “luck!” I just don’t have enough medications to succeed and I don’t want to do anything painful or messy….so where does that leave me? Maybe I can poison myself somehow? I’m determined to die and I pray to God every day to take my life…..maybe even with my diuretic my potassium will get so low my heart will just stop…I can only hope…it’s already broken….
Part of me then thinks though why should I allow them to drive me to kill myself? Then they win and I lose and I shouldn’t give them the satisfaction but I’m just so beaten down and defeated by life I just can’t do it anymore and I don’t see any other way out. When Patti found out she really laid into me and was mad and not supportive at all and not the way you should be to someone who’s suicidal, just reinforcing that no one cares, and unless you’ve been depressed or had bipolar then you don’t know what it’s like and will never understand so you can’t judge.
My cousin DID care though and he told me “PISS on them!”( my mother, hubby,and kids) and said I should tell them to “Kiss my ASS!” and of, course, I know God cares about me,and my dog….but that’s about it.