The Doctor.

 I saw the doctor for my 6 month check up and we went over my bloodwork results, the usual decreased kidney function and the elevated liver enzymes as always he glossed over, not too concerned about, same old news, but he was concerned my cholesterol was so high, I think it’s something like twice what it should be or something, and he indicated it can be genetic in some cases and he thinks it might be in my case esp. as both my mother and I have it although he still said at least I’m better off than her because I don’t have diabetes like she does as well. He said I have to cut butter out of my diet which is no problem since with my lactose intolerance I don’t eat it anyway as it gives me cramps and makes me sick. He also put me on a new medication to lower it even though another doctor was hesitant to as it affects the liver (which I already have problems with)but he scoffed at the idea saying I’ll have a heart-attack if not, so it’s like I’m “sacrificing” the liver to save the heart. Whatever. I’ll let the liver and heart battle it out and see who wins.

I also told him about my Alpha 1 antitrypsin enzyme deficiency(which I am a carrier) which he was familiar with, and he was surprised and looked shocked and said it’s really rare(I hear that alot; I’m always that rare and unusual statistic) and that it often presents falsely diagnosed as emphysema(I don’t know how to spell that, but you know what I mean, the breathing issue) esp. as you age, and he asked about family members that have it and now he mentioned it I can think of several(aunts, uncles, cousins and such) that do, only it was always just passed off as due to being fat, old, or smoking….but now know it’s related to the genetic disorder that affects the liver and lungs.

He said as well my increased anxiety and insomnia can be due to and worsened by menopause with the change in hormones and should eventually balance out and settle down,and I was wearing my Rolling Stones T-shirt with their famous lips and tongue logo seen here and he noticed it and said, Your shirt…..what is that? I’ve seen lots of people wearing it….. so I told him it was the logo for the Stones. He palpated my belly as well and said my liver didn’t feel inflamed or enlarged so what’s causing my upper abdomenal pain? Is it my stomach ulcer then, my hernia, or something else?

Funny,too: the 15 YR old hearing about the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominations and inductees she goes, They’re all so old! ….well, yeah, that’s sort of the idea since they have to be in the Biz for at least 25 years in order to qualify… 😀

Self-Portrait.

 Self portrait. Stretched-out, saggy-baggy hippo. This is what I look like after having 11 kids. I feel your pain,sister, I feel your pain. I also had this weird dream last night I was in a store(I presume in Toronto) and I saw Toronto Mayor Tory, and he told me that there were hippo figures over there… and pointed, so I went over to look and it wasn’t a hippo, but a rhino or something, and I was just so let-down, so disappointed in him, so mad, that I yelled in his face, You’re so stupid! That’s NOT a hippo! How can you be a mayor if you’re that stupid? Who doesn’t know what a hippo looks like? I used to think you were ok, but not anymore! I saw my Babushka( who died 13 YRS ago) again in a dream too as I often do lately, and we were talking but I can’t remember what about. I also had this thought float thru my head: what if what I hallucinate is actually what’s real, and what I think is real-life is really just my imagination?

 This is the 17 YR old’s cool hair as well; it’s pink and purple, although in the photo the purple looks more blue.It was also 6 C when I got up and Buddy and I were freezing our asses off  (I could even see my breath!)going for his morning walk and we both needed sweaters, and I noticed too in church yesterday everyone was wearing either a sweater or jacket. I also went to Confession in case I do die soon, plus I was naughty with my vibrator again , and, well, you know, that’s the way it goes….

 This  is also one of the most beautiful things in the world and that life has to offer and my fave. kind of donut: jelly-filled.Nothing else compares. NOTHING. I love this even when I haven’t had any weed. My hubby (who also has a cold so eventually we’re all going to get it) went to Tim Horton’s and picked up a bunch of donuts and normally I never know but this time I did so I asked him to get my fave. because normally he never does and we mostly just get chocolate or the boring plain glazed ones that no one really likes anyway and they just end up the ones left behind after everyone’s picked over all the good ones and they just get eaten last in desperation. 😀

The nice old man who lives across from church also gave me a sunflower from his garden! Wasn’t that nice? That guy must be a messenger sent from God. He told me as well how to dry it out and plant the seeds for best success. He even said when the squirrels eat the seeds sometimes you get lucky and they shit them out and they grow again. Something weird,too: I put a David Lee Roth song on my iPod only it came out titled as Jefferson Airplane! Also, as I was downloading a song porn showed up on my computer screen and it was graphic and I quickly tried to delete it but it took forever to work!

The 11 YR old also was screaming back at me because I said something-or-other he didn’t like (I can’t even remember what it was, it was something so trivial but it set him off, he has what the 23 YR old calls Autistic rages) and he yelled at me hotly, Too bad we don’t have a Mute Button for you, so you’d shut up!!  and then the 17 YR old and my hubby backed him up when I said he’d better watch his mouth or I’d punish him and they taunted  there’s loopholes around it, it doesn’t mean anything, it can’t be enforced, I can’t do anything about it, etc. encouraging him to just defy me with no consequences, sabotaging my discipline and prompting him to defy and disrespect me, and at that moment I think I felt the most undermined, small, inferior, insignificant, diminished, powerless, and beaten than I ever have. My family sure seems to have a way to diminish me, crush me, tear me down, take away my dignity, hurt me, belittle me,turn against me, undermine me, exclude me, degrade me,dismiss me, and generally treat me like shit. I hate being me. 😦

I wish I had another family.

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I had another LIFE.

 

Enneagram.

  I took the Enneagram test, which shows which type of personality is. There are 9 different types: The Reformer, Helper, Achiever, Individualist, Investigator, Loyalist, Enthusiast, Challenger, and Peacemaker. I did the test which was 14 pages and the results were just completely amazing and just blew me away how precise they are! It described me just perfectly exact! It turns out that I am an Individulalist. It just freaked me out how accurate my results are; it describes me perfectly!

Buddy’s toe finally came off. It had been hanging by a thread and when the Band-Aid finally came off I got a closer look at it. I don’t know whether or not he had chewed the rest of it off, if it just fell off on it’s own, or if it got torn off the rest of the way when the Band-Aid came off but it must be starting to feel better as he’s walking better now and it’s starting to heal; now a red fleshy stump. I wonder if he swallowed it though? I also made a joke(that grossed-out the kids!) that he’ll keep the toe and use it as a charm on a necklace, like how you can wear a shark tooth on a necklace. Now I’m in menopause I also don’t know what I crave more lately; weed or dick, and after I had weed I heard a song…..only in German even though it was actually in English!

I also thought I was uploading The Beatles’ song Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band onto my iPod…..only it turned out it wasn’t just the song; it ended up to be the entire album, and my friend L (from the old church) who was in a bad car accident several months ago and had serious internal injuries, traumatic brain injuries and spent months in the hospital still has physio, speech therapy, and occupational therapy 6 times a week trying to regain her faculties back and she said she’s so busy with that she doesn’t have time for a life anymore, and I’m trying self-acceptance as well although I know I probably won’t attain it this side of Heaven. I know that I’m no prize; I know I’m ugly, fat, dumb, a failure, crazy, a jinx, grey, bald(for the most part)different, disabled, etc. and before I used to try and hide my Asperger’s and bipolar, for example, but now everyone knows I’m crazy and weird and I just sort of own it now and no longer try to hide it. That’s just me. I’m that weird, off-beat crazy bald free spirit. I will never love myself but maybe, just maybe, I can one day at least accept who I am.

New iPod And Computer.

 I got a new iPod. My old one was something like 3-4 years old and was just falling apart and literally being held together by DuctTape. Of course I don’t have the $$$$ for it because I’m poor and broke but I desperately needed one as I need it for my music when I go out or travel and for my camera so my mother lent me the $$$ (I hope she doesn’t charge interest!) and I pay her back each month. This one I got was gold and I got Music is life  by Bob Marley engraved on it. My mother scoffed, This time, take better care of it which was hurtful and insulting as I did take good care of it, unlike the kids who always drop theirs and crack their screens (my screen didn’t even have a scratch on it) mine just wore out from wear and tear from usuage and it basically over-heated and melted in the sun and came unglued and the button just fell off and now it also takes forever for the battery to charge too and only lasts 30 minutes or so when it used to last 2-3 hours. It’s just old.

 Here is my old one, just held together with DuctTape. Poor sad thing, really.

 

 Here it is again, from another shot.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the exact same day the new iPod arrived and I plugged it in trying to transfer my over 1000 songs from my iTunes on my computer over onto my new iPod my computer crashed, and it crashed hard; I mean really bad. It was the hard drive, and I don’t know much about computers but I think that’s one of the worst things to have die on a computer, and my hubby was taking his sweet time fixing it( because something for me is never a priority) and he never bothered to back up and save and transfer any of my stuff either but it all got deleted and erased so I had to start over but luckily for me Google Chrome had all my bookmarks and passwords saved, thank God but I still lost all my pictures, documents, etc.

Of course it isn’t that easy to just plug in the new iPod and have the music transfer over either.At least not for me,anyway. Something went wrong like it always does for me and the new iPod kept rejecting my password and locked me out and when I finally did sync it up with the computer and got the songs off the old iPod onto the computer and tried to transfer them to the new iPod only a few songs loaded and the rest didn’t, so as it is now I have this new iPod I’m only able to use as a camera and I’m still listening to music on the old one because that’s where all the songs are and I can’t figure out how to get them onto the new one and no one wants to help me.

F*ck, I hate my life. Nothing ever goes right or works out for me. Life is hard when you’re stupid and everything is always a struggle. All I want is music on my new iPod. Why does it have to be so hard?

 

Perfect For Me.

 Hold On by Kansas.

This song describes me and my life so perfectly.

The Pool Guy.

 The pool guy FINALLY came to check our leak and I was right: it is the skimmer, just as I’d thought. Some part of it has eroded(the pool was built in 1980, remember, so it’s decades old) so the guy did a temporary fix with some cement glue thing and once it dried a few hours later told us to fill the pool and wait and see what happens; if it works or not.Of course with our luck you know it probably won’t.  If the water level stays the same we’re good, if it still leaks out, well then…. hopefully this will work, and then we can get the pump circulating again, put the chemicals in and get it cleared up, although to get it done in time before my cousins visit from Europe in 2 weeks seems unlikely. He said if this doesn’t work, however, then a total repair has to be made, and for this they have to get underground to the pipes and it takes 2-3 days to do(plus time to order-in the parts) and costs 950$ that we don’t have. Hopefully  it can at least last long enough until we move and then it can be the new owner’s problem and they can get the total repairs later? Let’s just hope this works…..  this fix only cost 50$…..The 17 YR old was running around as well asking about the pool guy, Is he hot? Is he hot? What does he look like?  and I told her, You know, he can probably hear you! and I told her if she really cared that much to just go outside and look and see for herself. Hell, truth be told, if he was that hot, I’d  be out there staring at him myself!

Buddy’s lump under his eye also also seems to look a bit smaller today,too(so maybe alot of it is just swelling?), unless I’m just imagining it,like wishful thinking, but the kids all say they think it does,too, and I was so worried about him as well I kept waking up all during the night checking on him, and making sure he was still alive and breathing, just like I do with the kids when they’re sick or hurt ( and I did constantly, all the time, when they were babies!), and the 11 YR old’s really mean, too, taunting that he’s going to die soon!! and jeers that he’s UGLY! now having the big bump on his face, etc. and I think that’s just cruel; he’s just a mean person. He’s always trying to hit him, blow in his face, throw things at him ,provoke and annoy him as well. It’s like he has this compulsion or something to be an annoying pest and to aggravate. I think there’s really something truly wrong with that kid, as in a personality disorder kind of thing.

I think my ulcer’s back again as well, likely caused by stress from worry: my stomach pain is back again, really bad today, maybe even bleeding(which would explain my black diarrhrea!), and yesterday I had bad stomach and abdomenal pain as well as a bad back AND a splitting headache. My mother also said her pain’s mostly all gone now and she’s back to normal but said the odd time she feels like something inside her is moving around and she compares the feeling to like when a dog circles round and round trying to find a comfortable position to sleep before it settles and lies down. That’s just so weird, I wonder if it’s a hernia moving around then, or part of her bowel twisting around loose or something? Hopefully the MRI in 2 weeks will have some answers.

Interesting and kind of freaky as well: the new neighbours that just moved in have the exact same black truck as the old ones that moved out AND their dog even looks the exact same, only a much bigger version, like a huge pitbull. It’s so much a carbon-copy of the other neighbour’s that it took awhile for me to even realize the new people were in; I thought it was the other neighbour’s’ still left behind until I actually saw some of them and saw they were different people! Up until then, I was stumped, thinking, Isn’t that strange? I thought they moved out? Why is one of their cars and dog still here?

I’m relieved as well my mother said that there’s no way we’re taking out a mortgage on another house if we have to move. We either downsize and  buy something smaller we can afford(and it looks  only in this area) around here we won’t be moving elsewhere, such as closer to the city where we can’t afford, the same cost or less as we get selling this house,not more, then we stay in this area and either down-size to a smaller house only in this same area we won’t be moving far, or maybe not even at all, we’ll just stay here, in this house, if we’re not going to save any $$$$ ,anyway,and that way we also still get to keep our same doctors,too. I’m glad, as my biggest worry was if we did attempt another mortgage only now we don’t have the $$$$ to pay it ( we had the $$$$ before and paid it off in 15 YRS) that we wouldn’t be able to keep up with the payments and we’d end up losing the house as it would be too unaffordable and beyond our financial means and ability.

This Is Me!

 This song, Desperado by The Eagles could have been written about me and my life. It’s just….so….. me.

Sunflowers.

 Now it’s the long weekend in May and safe from frost traditionally I planted the sunflower seeds for my garden this year. I hope they work though and the birds don’t eat the seeds before they have a chance to grow. I have them poolside, leaning up against the fence. I’m looking forward to it so I hope they work, and I put an entire pack of seeds in, allowing for likely half to die so we’ll see how many flowers I end up with and if I die before they bloom in late summer then every time my family sees them they can remember me by my sunflower garden.Every time they see the sunflowers they can think of me.

We also had a BBQ and if today is my last day alive I had a good day; I planted sunflowers, I smelled lilacs; I spent it outside with the 11 YR old who was bouncing on the trampoline and when I took Buddy out for his walks the lilacs were out on the neighbours’ and I could smell their sweet fragrance every time I went by and I love the rhythm of the neighbourhood as I go on our walks too and don’t want to move. The girls tried to cut my hubby’s hair too only they forgot to put the clipper on the razor so now he has some bald patches(it’s really noticeable too but he can always wear a hat for a couple of weeks until it grows back in) and when I came home from church yesterday and got undressed I noticed I’d worn my blouse inside-out the entire time, but it was one of those gauze, flowy, embroidered “Peasant” blouses so it sort of looks the same way either way so hopefully no one even noticed…

 The 16 YR old also baked these “sundae” cupcakes and most people thought they were too sweet but that’s the point. Buddy and I loved them. I also heard this song on my radio last night when I was in bed from The Who (one of my fave. bands) I recognized from when I was a kid and it brought back happy nostalgic memories and I wanted to get it for my iPod only I didn’t know the title and only remembered a few words from the lyrics this morning when I got up and they have literally hundreds of songs so it was really hard trying to find it and then the inspiration just suddenly popped into my head, Check under Pete Townshend…. as he was the main writer for most of their songs…..and sure enough, I found it! It was actually one of his  solo songs, and not from The Who as such, which was why I was having so much trouble finding it before as I was checking under the band name. The name of the song is Let My Love Open The Door, BTW, in case you were wondering.

I also see the gastro doc this week and he’ll have answers to my tests such as the scan to see if I do have blocked bile ducts or any other liver issues and if the genetic test came back positive for the liver enzyme that also affects the lungs so hopefully I’ll have some answers but I fear it’ll be the same as always; they’ll say that all the tests came back normal and still no explanation for my symptoms and pain…then the week after I see the cardiologist, the handsome Egyptian guy and I will be nervous and awkward for that app’t because he’s just so hot and I’ll be distracted and it’ll be hard for me to be able to concentrate on what he’s saying to me when all I can think about is how much I want to f*ck him and imagining kissing every inch of his glorious bronzed body….oh, my God…..

 

Over The Mountain.

This song really resonates with me. I can really relate to it. You know how there’s just some songs that seem to be written for you?

As well, my hubby somehow programmed the Google Home device so that it won’t play Bob Marley anymore, so when I request it, it now says it doesn’t understand even though it used to play it no problem before. What an asshole. Just because he doesn’t like reggae he’s sabotaging it purposely so that I can’t listen to it even though he knows I love it but I found a way around it so I can still listen anyway. Nothing will stop my reggae, and especially NOT a controlling asshole like that. Who does he think he is,anyway? I can like, and listen, to whatever I want and he’s not the boss of me. I don’t have to do what he says! He can KISS MY HEMMOROID!! This isn’t even a marriage. It’s a prison sentence.

Lady Parts.

 My doctor called me to discuss the ultrasound results, the ones so urgent that they couldn’t wait until my app’t next week (which I cancelled BTW) and it turned out not to be anything too concerning or that couldn’t wait; they saw the cyst on my right ovary again and said it’s 2 cm in diameter, which I must say is bigger than I’d imagined, making it almond-sized, about the same size as the actual ovary itself, and I had just imagined a little pimple-like thingy. They said they want to keep up follow-up scans on it annually but he said he’s going to send me for another one in about 9 months. I guess they want to keep an eye on the cyst, to see if it keeps getting bigger,gets twisted,ruptures, or if it develops into cancer or something….to tell you the truth, I’m disappointed and was sort of hoping that it was, and then that would be my escape from my life, my way out, my opportunity at last.

Blood also showed up in my urine again, like last time,so he’ll be booking me yet another ultraound, this one an abdomenal one focusing on the kidneys and bladder. He said my bloodwork has always shown low kidney filtration rate so that just means that it’s “normal” for me although I somehow don’t think a low anything or continuing abnormal  lab test results is “normal” for anyone…… The specialist called as well and I have my liver MRI next week! That was fast! Usually it takes months!

Most of the snow had melted as well with the recent mild temps and rain but now we had it snowing for 2 days and it’s back again but it looks nicer now, all sparkling, glistening and white, it looked gross before, all melting and dirty, like in spring, like in the end of March. The 14 YR old also made me sad before not knowing who Eric Clapton was but the other day I was listening to Led Zeppelin and she recognized who they were and it just made my heart so happy! She really is one of mine afterall!! My mother had mentioned about buying a sub,too, and I thought she meant the navy was going to purchase another submarine;that she’d heard it on the news, I didn’t know what she was talking about, but it was the sub sandwich and she goes, You had your weed today; you’re really out of it! 😀