This is what the lump/bump under Buddy’s eye looks like and how big it is. It’s even bigger today but I’m hoping it’s nothing more than swelling and the thought came to me: maybe it’s even a spider bite, esp. since he has been going under my bed lately, a place that’s dark and where spiders are more prone to hang out? It may also be another kind of insect bite or sting,too, such as a wasp or mosquito. Today when I touched his snout he also recoiled and yelped, as if it was very painful and he looked at me with his big old sad Dachshund eyes and I wondered too if maybe it could perhaps even be a dental absess? My mother had that once and one entire side of her face all swelled up and she looked like a chipmunk with it’s cheeks full of nuts. That might explain his horrible breath that literally smells like dead mice and I lovingly refer to as Fish Breath and Death Breath.
When he yelped about his snout I gathered him up in my arms and drew him close to me, cuddling him, resting his head cradling against my chest , petting him, and he looked up at me, wagged his tail, nuzzled into me, and licked my hand. I just love him so much, I hope to God that he doesn’t have cancer or something and he’s not dying but in case he is( and he is 12 now) I’m trying to hold him and snuggle with him as much as I can, every waking hour, to let him know how much I love him,and in case it ends up being the last time I have the chance to do it. I can’t even imagine living without him. The past 4 years with him I’ve had love and companionship like no other and he has filled a void in my sad, lonely, empty life that can’t be replaced. I worry as well as he appears to have lost weight; I can see and feel his spine now and his skin is looser and baggier but when I weighed him it still said he weighs 13 pounds, the same as always,and he doesn’t act sick; he’s still eating, playing with his toys, runs over to greet me, wags his tail, etc. I just love him so much I worry and I can’t shake this bad feeling….
This is also my last one surviving sunflower, growing tall and doing well but will soon out-grow it’s windowsill home and I’ll have to move it somewhere else, where it can sit on the ground in front of a window to get sunlight, but not right in the window itself as it’s getting too tall. I also have this really gross black diarrhrea for the past 2 days, it looks like tar,which usually indicates internal bleeding, and it’s liquid(maybe it’s oil, HAHAHAHA; liquid gold, and that’s how I’ll get rich; I can refine it), it just squirts out of my ass and the abdomenal pains are back bad again as well and it really wouldn’t surprise me if I actually do have colon cancer afterall; it just somehow got missed in the tests and went undetected. It would certainly explain the abdomenal pain, the diarrhrea, the bleeding, the colon polyp, the significant weight loss, the changes in bowel habits…I think there’s more going on than just IBS…..
My mother was watching a movie as well and I walked in during a scene where a woman was on a dinner date with a Little Person( used to be called a dwarf) and she indicated how she was embarrassed to be seen out with him and that he wasn’t a “catch” and he was hurt and reminded her that neither was she and she’s one to talk, and she looked like a weathered, old dyke, like how I do, and it got me thinking how looking for love you shouldn’t just “disqualify”, discount, and reject people and not give them a chance because of things they can’t help, such as their height, weight, age, skin colour, race, ethnic background, religion, disability, etc. and how so many possible chances at love might have been missed because you reject someone for the most superficial reason, because they’re too short, or too fat, or they’re too old,or bald, etc..you should give the person a chance and look for what kind of person they are, look for traits like kindness, honesty, integrity, compassion, loyalty, etc. the things that really matter. I don’t mean settling; I mean not having such overly-high standards that you make it almost impossible for anyone to match up, and in the process over-look what’s really important and possibly end up missing out on a great person because you’re being too picky. I just wish someone saw me that way; that they could look beyond the physical and see the real me on the inside.