I was outside and I saw 2 squirrels sitting in a tree, a black squirrel and a grey one and the grey one I didn’t even notice at first as he almost blended in completely with the tree; he was camoflauged, but the black squirrel stuck out and was really noticable and I remember saying to myself how he doesn’t blend in…. and then I thought about it for a minute and then re-phrased it, He’s just in the wrong tree.It’s not that he doesn’t blend in. In the right tree he’d blend in. If the tree had dark brown bark instead of grey-ish he would have been hidden. It got me thinking: it all depends on how you look at it,and it also reminded me that I’m like that squirrel in life.(and my tree would be a rose-gold glittery palm tree.)
I have never blended in, been the same as other people,don’t fit in, and have always stood out, been different, been an outcast, the odd one out, the one that doesn’t belong, the one that doesn’t blend in and I always thought it was me but maybe there’s nothing wrong with me( other than the obvious, that is) maybe I’m just in the wrong tree? I just have to find the right people, the right group, my Clan, my Tribe, my People, my fit, my niche, my Home, my team, my squad, my comrades, my place where they’re the same as me and we can all relate….like how I did at the YMCA group in Ottawa in the late 80’s, the only time I ever felt accepted, welcomed, part of the group, fit in, liked, and belonged. I found it once, maybe I can find it again? I just have to find other fellow-minded people that are also shiny, glittery, off-beat,crazy-ass,free spirit, sunflower, hippo people like me….
My cut sunflowers have also opened up, and I was outside with Buddy and heard a gunshot so we came inside and Buddy just bolted up and ran in like a bat out of hell, and I knew it was a gunshot too and not fireworks as there was just the one bang! and no echo, unlike fireworks which always come with an echo, more like a boom! boom! My hubby in cleaning and packing up prepping to move is also throwing out lots of stuff, incl. other people’s things and he doesn’t even look and check or ask to see if they even want it thrown out or if they want to keep it; he just chucks it out,and I’ve rescued a few things from the garbage and I tell him not everything has to be thrown out and we are allowed to keep some things,and he kept tossing out the Shel Silverstein books I love too and I had to keep fishing them out for garbage and I finally just ended up hiding them. Books should never be thrown out( or burned) though but always kept or donated so that someone will always be able to love and enjoy them.
This is also my sad pathetic, wilted and last sunflower, on it’s last legs yet I still won’t give up on it. I’m determined to “resurrect” it and have it perk up. I still faithfully keep watering it and every day I go outside I bring it out with me and sit it in the sun and then bring it back inside later in the day so the squirrels and raccoons won’t ruin it. I keep putting hope, love, time, and effort into it hoping eventually it will pay off and I’ll eventually get a nice sunflower in the end, despite all the set- backs. It reminds me of me and my life. I could be that sunflower: despite all the set-backs,hardships, teetering on the edge. losing hope, trials and barely holding on, some days it looks like it’s starting to perk up and other days it’s almost dead, and even on days it’s looking particularly haggard , wilted,and weary it still holds on, endures, survives,and lives on, and with hope and care, maybe it can make it one day? Just like me. We just need time,love,care,hope, and the right conditions to blossom. Sometimes though, despite our best efforts trying to hold on, the outside environment is just too hostile and we can’t withstand the storm or survive the elements and we wither away and die.
I also notice as well that I’m increasingly having trouble distinguishing between reality and imagination/ fantasy and being able to tell if something’s real or not or if I just imagined it, dreamed it, or if it was a hallucination, and my hallucinations are increasing in frequency as as well, both visual and auditory, and the paranoia is getting worse as well, as well as increasing anxiety and it’s hard struggling when you can’t even trust your own mind and you can feel yourself losing your grip on reality and spiraling down the slippery slope of insanity being lost in the haze of mental illness, feeling it carrying you off, helpless to escape it and I don’t know if it’s due to my white matter deterioration or just my Asperger’s, bipolar,and depression, or maybe some of each?
Both my mother and I have such bad memories and are so forgetful as well we’re like a TV comedy sitcom about senile old folks. I hadn’t remembered if she’d put the suntan oil on my back or not( I can’t reach back there myself and need a hand) so I asked her if she did it yet or not and she didn’t remember either and goes, I must have done it…..don’t you remember? and then I told her, I don’t remember….and if you did do it, don’t you remember doing it? and she said she didn’t remember,either, and then I reasoned, Well, is my back all shiny? If it is, then the oil’s been put on, so she looked and said it was,and the tanning oil had been put back in the cupboard, so I guess she did. We have days like this, moments like this, and conversations like this all the time. I think I’m losing my mind.